Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Discussion in 'The Tiki Bar' started by The Bill Collector, May 6, 2009.

  1. Escapade

    Escapade Member

    972
    Jan 10, 2007
    Lake Michigan
    390 Sundancer 2005
    Twin 8.1's
    Oly & Leana,
    Oly was working overtime last week and stayed even later on Friday Night. As he was walking home he thought about taking a shrtcut through the park. As he neared the entrance of the park he heard a voice call out " Hey 25 bucks for a quicky ". well Oly thought for a moment, I aint never had a hooker before and been making extra money this week... Since the wife will most likely be aslep when he would get home Oly pulled 25 bucks out of his pocket and went into the bushes. Not soon after a flash light pops on and a cop says " Hey what you two doing " Oly replies, Oh notting I'm just sitting hear wit my wife. The cop says, Oh I'm sorry I did not know that was your wife. Then Oly says" neither did I till you turned that flash light on.....
     
  2. GrtLkBtr

    GrtLkBtr Member

    34
    Jan 31, 2007
    St. Joseph, MI
    1995 270 Sundancer
    7.4L 300hp B1
    Subject: Thought for the day

    SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES;

    NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS…
     
  3. Hampton

    Hampton Air Defense Dept TECHNICAL Contributor

    Nov 26, 2006
    Panama City, Fl
    2008 44 Sedan Bridge
    Cummins QSC-500's
    Straight Drives
    I boarded an airplane and took my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

    I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat . As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside mine. Eager to strike up a conversation I blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

    She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

    I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

    Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really?" I said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

    Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

    I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

    "Tonto," I said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
     
  4. Hampton

    Hampton Air Defense Dept TECHNICAL Contributor

    Nov 26, 2006
    Panama City, Fl
    2008 44 Sedan Bridge
    Cummins QSC-500's
    Straight Drives
    Three Californian surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in California . In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost several fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England "

    The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House."
     
  5. Jack F

    Jack F Active Member

    Oct 3, 2008
    Cape Cod
    2008 240DA,
    Garmin 545s,
    North Star NS100ss.
    MMSI#338093894
    350 Mag Seacore BR3
    :smt043:smt043:smt043:smt043:smt043 I almost woke up the kids
     
  6. gordovip24

    gordovip24 New Member

    41
    Aug 9, 2008
    Pasadena, MD
    1986 390EC
    T-454 FWC Mercruisers
    A Touching Story of Love and Marriage


    A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he
    suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip

    cookie wafting up the stairs.

    He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
    Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
    bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,

    gripping the railing with both hands.

    With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
    into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have

    thought himself already in heaven.

    There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were
    literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
    seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
    table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a

    cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a
    spatula by his wife.


    Stay out of those,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
     
  7. tmhudson2

    tmhudson2 New Member

    885
    Aug 30, 2007
    Nashville, TN
    Boatless
    Boatless
    Leaving Work Early


    Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

    After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

    The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

    The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

    The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

    The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

    "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
     
  8. gordovip24

    gordovip24 New Member

    41
    Aug 9, 2008
    Pasadena, MD
    1986 390EC
    T-454 FWC Mercruisers
    Two old vets are drinking in a bar.



    One says: "Did you know that moose have sex 10 to 15 times a night."



    "Aw, s_ _t," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW."



     
  9. Escapade

    Escapade Member

    972
    Jan 10, 2007
    Lake Michigan
    390 Sundancer 2005
    Twin 8.1's
    President Obama was out jogging yesterday when he got ahead of the secret service agents. As he turned to see thier whereabouts he fell over a bridge rail into a small river. Three youg boys fishing on the banks pulled the president to safety. The president comended them saying he would repay each one with a favor. The frist boy asked for tickets to a ball game. Obama said, he would send Polosi's jet to take him and his family to any game of thier choice. The second boy said, he wanted a new fast car. Very well said the president, we own General Motors, I'll have a new corvette seint to you right away. When asked third boy replied he would like a Blue electric wheel chair with a satelite dish and a wide screen tv with suround sound. The president perplexed by his response said, why you seem fine to me son. Once my Dad finds out I helped pull you from the river I'll be needing it, Replied the boy.
     
  10. fc3

    fc3 Just another eclectic geek TECHNICAL Contributor

    Nov 12, 2006
    Northern NJ
    1999 Sea Ray 330DA
    Twin 7.4 MPI (310 propshaft HP) V-drives
    Twin Mercury Marine marinized 7.4L L-29 V8s
    Cast iron block w 4-bolt mains
    nevemind. H20nut posted it already. Must have missed it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2009
  11. Stray Cat

    Stray Cat Active Member TECHNICAL Contributor

    Oct 4, 2006
    Pool 10 Guttenberg, IA
    2006 300DA Sundancer
    350 Mags / Bravo III
    Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

    Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.
    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
    The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.
    They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.
    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....

    ..."freeze a jolly good fellow
     
  12. charlg

    charlg New Member

    745
    Jan 7, 2007
    Newton, MA
    2000 280 Sun Sport
    / Raymarine C80 w/ Radar / Sirius weather
    / SH GX5000S VHF
    Twin 350 Mags / B1's
    / Corsa exhaust
    For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most
    of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story..
    When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
    On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
    has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a
    motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India
    to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
     
  13. wileecoyote

    wileecoyote Member TECHNICAL Contributor

    949
    Oct 18, 2008
    Southern MD/ Potomac river
    1989 340 EC
    7.4LX2 Hurth 630A Drives
    6.5Kw QS Genny
    I went to a wedding the other day, the groom was an antenna and the bride was a satellite dish. The wedding was boring, but the reception was excellent!
     
  14. Vince_nj1

    Vince_nj1 Active Member TECHNICAL Contributor

    Aug 25, 2008
    North Barnegat Bay
    2006 320 V-Drives 6.2s, Bow Thruster, Generator, Raymarine C80, Radar, Fish Finder
    6.2 Horizons 320HP

    :smt043:smt043:smt043 I know I shouldn't laugh at this, but that is funny
     
  15. Jack F

    Jack F Active Member

    Oct 3, 2008
    Cape Cod
    2008 240DA,
    Garmin 545s,
    North Star NS100ss.
    MMSI#338093894
    350 Mag Seacore BR3
    I'm with you,, but I couldn't help my self and forwarded this to about 12 people.
     
  16. gordovip24

    gordovip24 New Member

    41
    Aug 9, 2008
    Pasadena, MD
    1986 390EC
    T-454 FWC Mercruisers
    A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear
    a voice call from behind a sand-dune say, "One Marine is better than
    ten Taliban."

    The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the
    dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes,
    then silence.

    The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban
    soldiers."

    Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the
    dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of
    battle, again silence.

    The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand
    Taliban."

    The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends
    them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as
    a huge battle is fought.

    Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the
    dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more
    men, it's a trap. There are two of them.":thumbsup:


     
  17. Jack F

    Jack F Active Member

    Oct 3, 2008
    Cape Cod
    2008 240DA,
    Garmin 545s,
    North Star NS100ss.
    MMSI#338093894
    350 Mag Seacore BR3
    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
    with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions, he observed.'

    To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
    with eating.. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

    He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is
    with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

    He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is
    alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy..'

    At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
    took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy
    has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
     
  18. VTSeaRay

    VTSeaRay Active Member

    Feb 19, 2008
    Northern Vermont / SW FL
    2007 210 Select w/5.0L 260HP MPI Mercruiser Alpha 1
    8 cyl 5.0 Merc mpi, w/alpha 1 with 19" prop, with the speedo hole on the leading edge just above it
    LOL - No kidding, the other day I was at the local Costco, and this indian family entered the store at the same time I did, and the mom and dad had a little boy in a stroller. Mom and kid had dots on their head, and I had to mentally restrain myself from bending over to the kid, and wiping the dirty spot off his forehead.

    -VtSeaRay
     
  19. Hampton

    Hampton Air Defense Dept TECHNICAL Contributor

    Nov 26, 2006
    Panama City, Fl
    2008 44 Sedan Bridge
    Cummins QSC-500's
    Straight Drives
    Good one!
     
  20. Jack F

    Jack F Active Member

    Oct 3, 2008
    Cape Cod
    2008 240DA,
    Garmin 545s,
    North Star NS100ss.
    MMSI#338093894
    350 Mag Seacore BR3
    The Four Cats

    Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

    The first man was an Engineer,
    The second man was an Accountant,
    The third man was a Chemist, and
    The fourth man was a Government Employee.


    To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square", do your stuff.

    "T-square" pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

    Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.


    But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,"Spreadsheet", do your stuff.

    "Spreadsheet" went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

    Everyone agreed that was good.


    But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure", do your stuff.

    "Measure" got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and pouredexactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

    Everyone agreed that was pretty good.



    Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

    The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak", do your stuff.

    "CoffeeBreak" jumped to his feet.......


    Ate the cookies.......

    Drank the milk.......

    **** on the paper.......

    Screwed the other three cats.......

    Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......



    Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........


    Put in for Workers Compensation................and

    Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...........





    AND THAT IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
     

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