Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Discussion in 'The Tiki Bar' started by The Bill Collector, May 6, 2009.

  1. Hotlanta

    Hotlanta New Member

    91
    Oct 15, 2006
    Alpharetta GA
    270 SD 2005 -
    496 I/O
    My life story...
    When I was 14,
    I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

    When I was 18 ,
    I got a girlfriend,
    but there was no passion,
    so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

    When I was 22,
    I went to work and dated a passionate girl,
    but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama
    queen,
    cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl
    with stability.

    When I was 28,
    I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
    She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
    Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
    excitement.

    When I was 30,
    I found an exciting girl,
    but I couldn't keep up with her.
    She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
    She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
    She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
    So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

    When I turned 35 , I found a smart ambitious girl with her
    feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.
    She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


    I am older and wiser now,
    and am looking for a girl with big tits.
     
  2. Jack F

    Jack F Active Member

    Oct 3, 2008
    Cape Cod
    2008 240DA,
    Garmin 545s,
    North Star NS100ss.
    MMSI#338093894
    350 Mag Seacore BR3
    The woman’s version:

    Fist time she married for the bulge in the front.



    Second time she married for the bulge in the back.
     
  3. Jack F

    Jack F Active Member

    Oct 3, 2008
    Cape Cod
    2008 240DA,
    Garmin 545s,
    North Star NS100ss.
    MMSI#338093894
    350 Mag Seacore BR3
    [​IMG]
     
  4. PMC

    PMC Active Member

    Apr 10, 2009
    Long Island, NY
    2001 40 Sedan Bridge
    Cummins 6CTA
    [FONT=&quot] Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and a Guy from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


    The Guy from New York fumed,
    'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]

    The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

    The rich businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

    The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

    The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

    The group fell silent for a moment.

    The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

    The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

    The rich businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

    The guy from New York said, 'Why the hell can't they play at night?[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot][/FONT]
     
  5. ultratiger89

    ultratiger89 New Member

    178
    May 25, 2009
    Planet Mars
    2003 260DA, Kohler 5E
    350 Mag BIII
    A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she
    yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count
    to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'

    "Very good," said her mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're
    blonde,' said the mommy.

    The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "'Mommy,
    Mommy,'" she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the
    other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.
    See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'

    "Very good," said her mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

    "Yes, it's because you're blonde.:

    The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
    Mommy,: she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered,
    all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her
    tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

    "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

    "No, Honey, it's because you're 24."
     
  6. charlg

    charlg New Member

    745
    Jan 7, 2007
    Newton, MA
    2000 280 Sun Sport
    / Raymarine C80 w/ Radar / Sirius weather
    / SH GX5000S VHF
    Twin 350 Mags / B1's
    / Corsa exhaust
    Subject: dating

    >WHITE WOMEN
    >
    >First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
    >Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
    >Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
    >
    >IRISH WOMEN
    >
    >First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
    >Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
    >20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
    >
    >ITALIAN WOMEN:
    >
    >First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
    >Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti &
    >meatballs.
    >Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat
    >ring. 5th
    >Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of
    >having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
    >
    >JEWISH WOMEN:
    >
    >First Date: You get oral sex.
    >Second Date: You get more oral sex.
    >Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never have sex again.
    >
    >INDIAN WOMEN
    >
    >First date: Meet her parents.
    >Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
    >Third date: Wedding night.
    >
    >BLACK WOMEN
    >
    >First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
    >Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real Expensive
    >dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
    >Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone
    >other than you.
    >
    >MEXICAN WOMEN
    >
    >First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, And
    >have sex in the back of her car.
    >Second Date: She's pregnant.
    >Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his
    >girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her
    >grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's
    >boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for
    >the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks
    >like a home along the Rio Grande.
    >
    >DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
     
  7. Hampton

    Hampton Air Defense Dept TECHNICAL Contributor

    Nov 26, 2006
    Panama City, Fl
    2008 44 Sedan Bridge
    Cummins QSC-500's
    Straight Drives
    I have learned of a magical food with many spectacular attributes. Before I tried it, I was bed-ridden. I couldn't move about the house unless others were there to assist me. My thoughts were simple and random. After only a few weeks, I was able to double my body mass and gained enough strength to move about energetically without help. I was able to run more than twice as fast as I ever had before. Additionally, it's quite pleasant to the senses. Just puting it in my mouth and swallowing it is one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. I can't wait until my next opportunity.

    What is it?














    Breast milk.
     
  8. Ship Tzu

    Ship Tzu Member

    89
    Nov 29, 2008
    London
    Sundancer 250DA 1995
    5.7L V8
    I got a call the other day from my cc company. they said they thought that thieves had been using my credit cards as unusual purchases were being made.
    I asked how much they were spending, when they told me I said let them keep them, they are spending less than the wife.:smt001
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2009
  9. Jack F

    Jack F Active Member

    Oct 3, 2008
    Cape Cod
    2008 240DA,
    Garmin 545s,
    North Star NS100ss.
    MMSI#338093894
    350 Mag Seacore BR3
    Subject:"INTERNET WARNING!"


    Subject: "INTERNET WARNING!"
    �INTERNET WARNING!�

    If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it....











































    .








    It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

    [​IMG]
     
  10. K-9

    K-9 New Member

    477
    Jul 4, 2009
    long island sound
    1980 sea ray sundancer 260 raymarine c120w radar/sonar+
    6.2mag 320hp
    B3 seacore ss props
    control of profits without risk of ASSetts
     
  11. berth control

    berth control New Member

    886
    Nov 16, 2008
    Saugatuck, MI
    1985 270 Sundancer
    3.7 liter Mercruisers
    why do they call sea gulls sea gulls?

    Cuz if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
     
  12. Hampton

    Hampton Air Defense Dept TECHNICAL Contributor

    Nov 26, 2006
    Panama City, Fl
    2008 44 Sedan Bridge
    Cummins QSC-500's
    Straight Drives
    Golf Lessons

    A foursome of guys are waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of women are hitting from the ladies' tee.

    The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

    She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

    One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

    He never even had a chance to duck.

    Might have saved her marriage too : )
     
  13. K-9

    K-9 New Member

    477
    Jul 4, 2009
    long island sound
    1980 sea ray sundancer 260 raymarine c120w radar/sonar+
    6.2mag 320hp
    B3 seacore ss props
    women are not comfortable with putting there ball in a hole,we men know how hard it is putting our balls in a cup!!
     
  14. charlg

    charlg New Member

    745
    Jan 7, 2007
    Newton, MA
    2000 280 Sun Sport
    / Raymarine C80 w/ Radar / Sirius weather
    / SH GX5000S VHF
    Twin 350 Mags / B1's
    / Corsa exhaust
    Doctors have just identified a food that decrases a woman's sex drive by 90%......






    It's called wedding cake.
     
  15. Jack F

    Jack F Active Member

    Oct 3, 2008
    Cape Cod
    2008 240DA,
    Garmin 545s,
    North Star NS100ss.
    MMSI#338093894
    350 Mag Seacore BR3
    Italian Golfer

    An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

    I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

    'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

    'Who said my Father's dead?'

    The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

    'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

    'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

    'Who said my Nono's dead?'

    Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

    'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

    The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

    'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

    At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy wa nt to get married?'

    'Who said he wanted to?'
     
  16. Jack F

    Jack F Active Member

    Oct 3, 2008
    Cape Cod
    2008 240DA,
    Garmin 545s,
    North Star NS100ss.
    MMSI#338093894
    350 Mag Seacore BR3
    Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really

    cute, really hot girl in his office.. but she was dating
    someone else.

    One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and
    said, I'll give
    you $100 if you let me have sex with you....The girl looked
    at him, and
    then said,'NO!'

    Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the
    money on the floor, you
    bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked
    it up.'

    She thought for a moment and said that she would consult
    with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the
    situation.

    Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the
    money really
    fast He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
    She agreed and
    accepts the proposal.

    Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still
    waiting for his
    girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the
    boyfriend calls and
    asks what happened.....? Still breathing hard, she managed
    to reply,

    'The bastard had all quarters!'
     
  17. Jack F

    Jack F Active Member

    Oct 3, 2008
    Cape Cod
    2008 240DA,
    Garmin 545s,
    North Star NS100ss.
    MMSI#338093894
    350 Mag Seacore BR3
    World's Shortest Fairy Tale

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl: 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' and the guy lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing and hunting, and played golf a lot, and drank beer and scotch, and had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.

    The end
     
  18. H2ONUT

    H2ONUT Active Member

    Nov 26, 2006
    Shelton, CT
    2000 215EC
    5.0 EFI Mercruiser Alpha
    After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

    'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

    'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

    'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

    'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile?

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

    'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

    'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

    'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

    The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

    'So bust him,' says the Chief.

    'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

    The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

    'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

    The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    Chief: ' A senator?'

    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

    Cop: 'I think it's God!'

    The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

    Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
     
  19. Stray Cat

    Stray Cat Active Member TECHNICAL Contributor

    Oct 4, 2006
    Pool 10 Guttenberg, IA
    2006 300DA Sundancer
    350 Mags / Bravo III
    A bored husband is in the kitchen killing flies with his swatter. His wife comes in to the room and says
    "What ya doin?"
    He says, "Killin flies"
    She says, "How many have ya killed?"
    He says, "3 males and 2 females so far"
    She says "How can you determine their gender?"
    He replies "The males were on my beer can, and the females were on the phone"
     
  20. K-9

    K-9 New Member

    477
    Jul 4, 2009
    long island sound
    1980 sea ray sundancer 260 raymarine c120w radar/sonar+
    6.2mag 320hp
    B3 seacore ss props
    :grin:
    :grin: that is wierd like you are watching me or something...:huh:
     

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