Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'The Tiki Bar' started by The Bill Collector, May 6, 2009.
A mother and her young son move from upstate New York to a small west Texas town. The first day after arrival they are walking the streets of downtown when the boy blurts out "Mother, look at all those bowlegged cowboys!". The mother smacks the boy on the butt and says, "Don't say that, we are new in town, they will never understand and accept us. If you do something like that again I'm going to punish you". The next week, before the boy could stop himself, once again he blurted out, "Mother, look at all those bowlegged cowboys!"
The mother scolds him again and reminds him he will be punished. The next week, she makes him read page after page of Shakespeare. "This is your punishment," she said. "Next week we are going back downtown. I hope you've learned something and not embarass me anymore."
The next week they went back downtown. Once again, the boy saw the cowboys. Once again, he began to speak...but this time said:
"Hark, O Mother dear. What manner of men do we have here? What manner of men, indeed, are these, who wear their pants in parenthesis!"
mary came home fron school and said "jimmy showed me his wee wee today".
her mother took a deep breath and said "and?"
mary said "it reminded me of a peanut"
her mother chuckled and said "it looked like a peanut?"
mary said "no, but it sure tasted like one"
her mother fainted.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
:smt043Bumper sticker on pick-up at red light-I read it out loud and :lol:
MISSING -WIFE 5'5"110LBS AND DOG BLACK LAB 60LBS
REWARD FOR DOG CALL18005550987:thumbsup:
It's July, 2009. A resort town sits next to the shores of a lake. It's raining. The little town looks totally deserted. It's had tough times. Everybody's in debt and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer...
The pig farmer takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel...
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit...
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there...
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms and leaves town.
No one earned anything. There’s no additional dollars. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.
And that, boys and girls, is how the government is doing business today. :smt021
It seems so simple when you put it that way.:lol:
How to tell when Bananas go bad !
> These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.
> The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
> 16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
> 15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
> 14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
> 13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
> 12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
> 11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
> 10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
> 9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '
> 8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
> 7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
> 6 'Yeah, we have a quota.. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
> 5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
> 4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
> 3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
> 2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
> AND THE WINNER IS....
> 1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart.
As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so
he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?'
The customer replied that he didn't
know. She asked him to drop his pants.
She reached over the counter, grabbed
hold of him and called over the intercom,
'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'
The next man in line thought this was
interesting, and like all men would, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he
told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked
if she could have some brought to the
register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated
that he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his pants. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up
the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage
boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said
he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and said...
(gotta love this one...................)
'Cleanup, Register 5'
THE MISTRESS ............
> A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
> when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
> gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him
> later and walks away.
> The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”
> “Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress...”
> “Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a
> divorce !”
> “I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a
> divorc e it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
> in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and
> no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”
> Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
> his arm.
> “Who’s that woman with Stanley ?” asks the wife.
> “That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
> “Ours is prettier !!!!", she replies.
So this penguin is having car trouble, leaking transmission fluid everywhere. He drive the car to the shop and the mechanic says "I'm a little busy, can you leave it with me for a half an hour?"
The penguin says sure, and leaves to go to the ice cream shop. (Penguins love ice cream.)
So he orders an ice cream cone and the attendant hands it to him. But the penguins got no thumbs, just flippers. So he drops the ice cream and gets it all over his shirt.
Disgusted, he heads back to the mechanics shop to see what's up with the car. He asks the mechanic if he's checked it out.
The mechanic answers "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says "No, that's just a little ice cream."
So Mickey Mouse is pouring his heart out to his attorney, and asking about what a divorce settlement with Minnie would look like.
His attorney stops him and says, "Listen, Mickey, think through this. Even if Minnie is a little crazy do you really want to divorce her?"
Mickey says, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f---ing Goofy."
Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms
and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realize that I was talking to the sheep!"
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Not necessarily a joke, but funny.
The last always seems to be the best.
Subject:</B> NO APOLOGIES ACCEPTED
At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country`s prior actions,here`s a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.
These are good</B>
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded "does that include those who are buried here?
DeGuale did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop</B>
When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop.</B>
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.</B>
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."
You could have heard a pin drop.
If you are proud to be an American, pass this on! If not, delete it.
I am proud to be of this land, AMERICA
Think about this:
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
That during the mad cow epidemic our government could track
a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right
To the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ?
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
Unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around
Our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow..
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq ...... Why don't we just give them ours? It was
Written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
Over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this --
You cannot post 'Thou Shall Not Steal' 'Thou
Shall Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not
Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and
Politicians .... It creates a hostile work environment.
You forgot one detail... the tourist upon leaving says, "the only way I will come back here is if you sign this document giving me full rights to tell you how to run this place."
You been watching Westerns lately?
You flew right over my head on that one...:huh: