Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

This guy is very funny.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvjdOLpl25U[/youtube]
 
I just had my annual eye exam and the doctor gave me a new test that he uses to measure the amount of retina pigmentation loss one experiences after the age of 30. This is a relatively new test. He gave me a copy of it to put on my computer so I can test myself every few weeks. I asked for permission to forward it to others and he graciously said I could, seeing it was new and so valuable. So, I am sending it to family and friends over the age of 30 (with a few special exceptions)... !






































Ask your doctor how to stop the burning in my eyes from having looked at that picture.... :smt089
 
I just had my annual eye exam and the doctor gave me a new test that he uses to measure the amount of retina pigmentation loss one experiences after the age of 30. This is a relatively new test. He gave me a copy of it to put on my computer so I can test myself every few weeks. I asked for permission to forward it to others and he graciously said I could, seeing it was new and so valuable. So, I am sending it to family and friends over the age of 30 (with a few special exceptions)... !


Frog-1.jpg


See it now? It's head is visible above the fat lady's shoulders.
 
View attachment 6919



By the way, the farmer says they can grow up to 18" long!

Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it?
 
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[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]This Old Tool has been reintroduced[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, Times]in Washington D.C.[/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]by the New Administration. Are you starting to feel it yet?[/FONT]


View attachment 6920
 
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What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Do you know what they call a 3rd grader in West Virginia?
Gifted.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
 
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What did the girl from Maine say the 1st time she had sex?



Dad gets off me your crushing my Marlboros.
 
A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Hampton, VA. At the cash register my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license.

She presented her West Virginia driver's license and the clerk grabbed it away from her and scoffed, "if you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!"

A manger was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.
 
A couple of my favorite West Virginia jokes:

A West Virginian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The West Virginian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said, "They're to hold my balls while I drive." "Boy," exclaimed the West Virginian, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?"


Q. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

A. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

And my favorite of all time...

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
 

For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:

Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and I-90 will be closed this weekend. Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic disruptions in Charleston, WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO, Kansas City, MO, and Omaha, NE.

A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota, so that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt Rushmore.
 

For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:

Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and I-90 will be closed this weekend. Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic disruptions in Charleston, WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO, Kansas City, MO, and Omaha, NE.

A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota, so that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt Rushmore.

That's racist! I'm ashamed. I laughed.
 
Wisdom of a Retiree


I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'



Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
 
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.</B>



When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."







The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"



The wife yells back to him,













"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
 
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Looking forward to Retardment

This is from a teacher who asked her third grade pupils to write about how they spent their spring break holiday. One child wrote:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't
know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too,
but they jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: 'Early Birds'.

Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So, the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
 
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
 

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