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Discussion in 'The Tiki Bar' started by The Bill Collector, May 6, 2009.
H2ONUT, at this rate you should catch Gary by mid night :lol:
I'll post more tomorrow... my e-mail here is FILLED with funny crap!
I hate that answer:smt021
What a great thread! Thank you!
I had an awful day and I logged on here to read an relax, only to find a smile!!:grin::lol::grin:
Yes, after all the drama lately I thought this would lighten things up......:smt043
Thank you all for your contributions... Keep 'em coming !
:thumbsup::thumbsup: - I'm getting that - and I haven't bought it yet:smt021
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
'John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years... Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says
to the birch, Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? The
birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the little sapling. The birch
says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It
is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,
however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
OK... here goes one of those genie lamp jokes!!
Guy walks down a beach and find a genie lamp...rubs the lamp and out comes a genie. Typical story, guys gets 3 wishes BUT there is a caveat to the wish. Everything the guy wishes for his MIL (mother-in-law) gets twice the amount.
The guy thinks really long and hard and comes up with 3 wishes
1. I wish to have a mansion on top of a hill.
Genie says... of course, but remember... your MIL will get a mansion twice the size on top of a hill twice as high.
2. I wish to have a billion dollars
Genie says... of course, but remember... your MIL will get 2 billion
3. Guy says... beat me half to death!
Little Johnys walkin by his parents room and hears some noises,so he opens the door,and theres his mother,bent over the dresser and his father behind her banging away,Johny doesnt say anything,but his father gives him a wink and a shit eating grin.....Johny walks away and closes the door
A little while later the father goes looking for Johny.....cant find him anywhere.....finnally goes to Johnys room and opens the door......theres Johnys grandmother ,bent over johnys desk...and Johny behind her banging away !!!
Johnys father goes "Johny ,what the hell do you think youre doing ???"
Johny looks at him with a shit eatin grin and goes " It's not so funny when its your mother is it ?? !! "
Three old ladies, Nancy, Margarita and Dora were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached them. With
a long raincoat on, the flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in
front of them and opened his coat. Nancy immediately had a stroke.
Then Margarita had a stroke. But Dora, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far.
Thats a keeper, I just fwd it to a few people.
Oh, that's bad:smt043:smt043:smt043:smt043
Little Johny jokes are the best.
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word... He knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent over, spread his cheeks,And yelled, 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak!
I was out to dinner w/ my wife and another couple one night. At the end of dinner she wanted to take her food home since she couldn't finish it. She told me, in front of the other couple, that she is going to do it "doggy style"! As in... doggy bag! haha
This man and a little boy are walking into the woods...............the farther and deeper they go,the darker and scarier it gets.............suddenly,the boy looks up at the man and says "Daddy,I'm scared !!!"
the man says "hmpf,youre scared ?,I have to walk out of here alone !!
One of my cousins is a heavy equipment operator. We were in a Walmart several years ago with his then 5 year old son.
A rather large woman was in front of us in line. She had a pager. It started beeping.
My cousins kid yelled out loud as he could.
"Look out Daddy, she's backin up!"
Also true: My buddy's young son was playing goalie on the soccer field. Most of the action was on offense, but several of the parents noticed my friend's son was standing with his hand down the front of his soccer shorts. When he couldn't stand the other parent's chuckling any longer, my friend cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled 'Hey Johnny, take your hands out of your pants!'. Johnny looked back at him, and in front of everyone, yelled back 'But Dad, it feels good!'.
The parents went into hysterics.
Two sailors walk into a bar
The third one ducks.