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Discussion in 'The Tiki Bar' started by The Bill Collector, May 6, 2009.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing - they were both stuck-up c*nts.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are walking on the beach when, up ahead, they see a man with no arms and no legs sunbathing near the water's edge.
Walking up to the man, they feel sorry for him and strike up conversation. After a bit, the brunette says, "Gee, I'll bet its been a long time since you've had a hug". The guy looks up at her and says, "Matter of a fact, it has been a long, long time.". So, the brunette leans down and gives him a long, tight hug.
Then the redhead says to him "How about a kiss? How long has it been since you've been kissed?" The guy's eyes light up and he says, "Wow. I can't remember when the last time was that I got kissed." So, the redhead leans down and gives him a deep, long kiss.
The blonde looks down at the guy and smiles. Then she says, "I'll bet it's been quite a while since you've been screwed." At this, the guy starts grinning ear to ear. He looks at her wistfully and stutters, "I - I - I just can't even remember the last time I got screwed". The blonde leans down close to his ear and whispers, "When the tide comes in, you're screwed."
Gay guy dies, three guys show up to the funeral. The first says
"After hes cremated, I'd like to toss his ashes from a boat because he so liked it when we went sailing"
Second guy says, "After hes cremated, I'd like to sprinkle his ashes in my garden because he so liked it when we worked in the garden"
Third guy says, "after hes cremated, I'd like to sprinkle his ashes on some hot chili so he can tear my a**hole apart one more time"
Why did OJ move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Guy walks into his doctor and says "doc, you gotta help me, I wake up in the morning and screw my wife, on the way to work I carpool with the neighbors wife and she gives me a BJ, I get to work and go into the copy room, one of the young girls always follows me in and I bang her on the copying machine, At noon I take my secretary to work and bang her in the a** cause thats how she likes it. Then the boss goes to lunch, his wife shows up, I screw her on his desk. Then I get home, theres the housekeeper, no panties up on all fours, bang her. When my wife gets home, we have dinner and then I screw her again."
Doctor says "whats the problem?"
He says "it hurts when I jerk off"
Three priest's and three boys are out fishing. Boat starts sinking. First priest says, "save the boys!"
Second priest says, "screw the boys!"
Third priest says, "do you think we have time?"
Lotta truth to this one!
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A new "Wives Store" opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited!!
These are some of the newest and funniest jokes I have read in a long time!!!
Thanks to all.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid...
This is a great thread...
I just wish I could remember more than a couple of jokes at a time..:lol:
I had a mother’s day party at my house yesterday and used most of these joke.
Some very funny and new ones
You're doing better than me. I can't even remember 1, even though I've laughed at a million :smt100
Straight out of my 13 year old's mouth on Mother's Day as we walked into Dick's Sporting Goods store":
"Why do lesbians shop at Sport's Authority?"...
"Because they don't like Dick's!"
Now as Jerry Seinfeld would say: "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Lucas and Spielberg finally approved a script for the 4th Indiana Jones movie (written, unfortunately, by the writer of Rush Hour 2 and Speed 2). The only problem is that Harrison Ford, the series’ star, is now going on 62.
Possible Titles for the 4th Indiana Jones Movie
Indiana Jones and the Broken Hip
Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Nursing Home
Indiana Jones and the Adult Diapers of Doom
Indiana Jones and the Blinking Left Turn Signal
Indiana Jones and the Early Bird Special
Indiana Jones and the Overhyped Prequels
Indiana Jones and the.. Where Am I? Who’s There? Son, Is That You?
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Really, the Last One, We Mean It This Time
Why doesn't Helen Keller sky dive?
It scares the hell out of the dog!
I love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
Mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
Of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
But rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
Body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
Screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.'
1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die? ?
1st woman : I Froze to Death.
2nd woman : How Horrible! ?
1st woman : It wasn't so bad.
After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the
den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman : I was so sure there was another
woman there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement.Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I
had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.
1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software...
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
straight answers.. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can
track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............