Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post,​

​
was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.​

​
Some of his sayings​


​




1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman, ... Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:​


​



The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.​
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.​

​

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.​


​



And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.AndEveryone is ignorant, only in different subjects.​




 
I got
caught taking a pee in the swimming pool
today.
The
lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell
in.



I was​
talking to a girl in the bar last night. She
said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got
your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said,
"If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there
instead of
you."



I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to
guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling her
boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to
lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said,
"Yesterday."​
 
Last edited:

MUST be read by all people over60..........

A few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida 's southeast coast. We are living in the "Delray/ Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee". There are 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are natural.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? No longer. Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.

Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap. Before we know it, it's time for lunch.

We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters.

The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.

At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind.

Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate.

Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS – INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED!



 
Can-Boat
 

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[FONT=&quot]Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I told her, "Colonel Sanders." [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Guess where I am now...[/FONT]
 
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to another man with a strange looking brief case on the floor next to him.
Curious the first man asks what is in it.
The second man places it on the bar and opens it to reveal a small man playing the piano.
The first man is amazed and asks where he got it.
The second man says he got it from a genie who is granting wishes in the back alley.
The first man then asks if he thought the genie would grant him a wish.
The second man says "sure, but you better speak loudly, I'm pretty sure the genie is hard of hearing."
Puzzled, the first man asks why he would think such a thing.
The second man replies "Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist."
 
Woman Shot in her own Driveway

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.



Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied

that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but recovered quickly.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed. The expiration date was before November 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
 
Standing behind a family checking into a very nice hotel.

The father says "I hope the porn is disabled on the TV" ... the clerk looks up and says, no sir I believe we only have normal porn, you sick bastard.
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 note fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that
bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower display It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every
time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., mate! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
A woman from Perth, who was a tree hugger, a card carrying Green Party member, and a highly vocal anti-forest harvesting, purchased a piece of timberland near Margaret River.



There was a large tree on one of the highest points on her block. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.



In considerable pain, she hurried to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Greenie, and an anti-forest harvester and how she came to get all the splinters.





The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"




He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Ministry of Environment, the Ministry of Natural Resources and the Forestry Planning Board before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.



I'm sorry, but due to the State's health care policies and cutbacks, they turned you down!"


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
[FONT=&quot]1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?


22. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

23. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?[/FONT]
 
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a blonde lady recognizes him as an
International Rugby player. They start to talk, and eventually go home to
his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says
REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok
pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says
NIKE.

'What's that?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says
AIDS.
The lady screams:

"Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies:

"No, no.....!!! Calm down,"

"It will say ADIDAS in a minute or so............!!!"


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
Hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
THE GOLFING NUN........



A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.



'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'



'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'



'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'



'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'



'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.



And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'



'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'



'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'



'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'



Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



'You missed the fu*#ing putt, didn't you?'
 
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
 
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
'About 2 hours.' The guy left but did not return that day.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said,
'About 3 hours.' The guy left and again, did not return that day.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,
but he never comes back later.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house! '
 
DIVORCE vs. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide.
Just get a divorce!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
The Norwegian Furniture Dealer
Ole, a furniture dealerfrom Norway, decided to expandthe line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris
to see what he couldfind.


After arriving inParis , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thoughtwould sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided tovisit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying hiswine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the otherchair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a verybeautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,

asked him something inFrench (which Ole could not understand), so he motioned to thevacant chair and invited her to sit down.

 He tried to speak toher in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutesof trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of awine glass

and showed it to her.She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting togetherat the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a platewith food on it,

and she nodded. Theyleft the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playingromantic music.

They ordered dinner,after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and theygot up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of afour-poster bed.

To this day, Ole has no idea how shefigured out he was in the furniture business
Uff da!
 
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