Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A guy goes into a store to buy things, wanders around, picking up everything he needs, and
then goes to the checkout counter where there is a very cute cashier girl, she smiles at him.
He puts all his items on the counter and then gets his credit card out to put into the machine.
She says, "Strip down, facing me." So he starts taking off his shirt, undoes his pants,
and then the Security Guard grabs him from behind and says, "What are you doing?"
A bit embarrassed he tells him what the cashier girl said to him, and then she says, "I was telling
him how to put his card into the machine."
 
[FONT=&quot]These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in the National Health Service, Greater Glasgow.
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[FONT=&quot]1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
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[FONT=&quot]2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
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[FONT=&quot]3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]days.
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[FONT=&quot]4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
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[FONT=&quot]5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
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[FONT=&quot]6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
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[FONT=&quot]7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
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[FONT=&quot]8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
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[FONT=&quot]9. Discharge status:-[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Alive, but without my permission.
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[FONT=&quot]10. Healthy, appearing decrepit, 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
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[FONT=&quot]11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
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[FONT=&quot]12. She is numb from her toes down.
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[FONT=&quot]13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
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[FONT=&quot]14. The skin was moist and dry.
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[FONT=&quot]15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
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[FONT=&quot]16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
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[FONT=&quot]17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
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[FONT=&quot]18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
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[FONT=&quot]19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
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[FONT=&quot]20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
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[FONT=&quot]21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
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[FONT=&quot]22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
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[FONT=&quot]23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
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[FONT=&quot]24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
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[FONT=&quot]25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
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[FONT=&quot]26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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[FONT=&quot]27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
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[FONT=&quot]28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
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[FONT=&quot]29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
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[FONT=&quot]30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
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[FONT=&quot]31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
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[FONT=&quot]32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
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[FONT=&quot]33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
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[FONT=&quot]

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[FONT=&quot]For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]
 
ABOUT THE WRITER: The Author is a Prize-winning humour columnist for a daily paper...


Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through London.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR ARSE!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of England's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken soup, which is basicallywater, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litreplastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrepexperience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, ****ting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre ofMoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep ****ting. I was thinking, 'What if I **** on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was pissed off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too hammered to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Lord Lucan yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Glasgow, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Lehmans Bank, didn't you?'


And the best one of all:
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
These might be old but they just came through on my email and I laughed,,,, maybe again?


A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses. "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, disconnects, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly; "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you." "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband.
"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
___________________________

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Mickelson replied,
"The holes are numbered."
___________________________

A young man and a priest are golfing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, Father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."



The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest messes up his 7-iron shot and only dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
__________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron, standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." She begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know -- put me down for a three."
___________________________

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing, and hit his it into a clump of trees.
He found the ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit between. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?" The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
___________________________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,
is it?"
 
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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!
 
The Bud Light Drunk

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
 
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog !"
 
The morality of dishonesty.

Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.


One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.


While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole." ?
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.


After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
"Wait”, said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the £800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.


The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of £3 million.
The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for £1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe its better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.



Moral :Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank . Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.





Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as
to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son:

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get
your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."

You're going to love the Dad's reply:
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?
 
Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your Congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'







Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'







Brothel Trip




An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'







Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'







Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '






Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

______________________________




A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'




'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


--------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
 
*THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION*


*ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:*




*1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my
life. 2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I wake up
screaming. 3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes
everything you are not.. 4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But
I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed. 5. I thought that I could love
no other -- that is until I met your brother... 6. Roses are red, violets
are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the
violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. 7. I want
to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your
face. 8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at
telling lies! 9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped
in to smell this way? 10. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts
vodka, one part lime.*
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local store. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife.

They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."


2wc4dgk.jpg
 
The Buddha walks up to a hot dog stand and says..."can you make me one with everything?"
 
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.



A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.



A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old man said simply.


'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.


As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'


'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
 
CrotchLess Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs, enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that. I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot

=
 
Madam Devereaux opened the brothel door in New Orleans and saw
a rather dignified , well-dressed , good-looking man in his late forties
or early fifties . " May I help you sir ? " , she asked .
The man replied , " I want to see Valerie . "
" Sir , Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies . Perhaps you would
prefer someone else " , said the madam .
He replied , " No , I must see Valerie . " Just then , Valerie appeared
and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit . Without hesitation ,
the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie , and
they went upstairs . After an hour , the man calmly left .
The next night , the man appeared again , once more demanding to
see Valerie . Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two
nights in a row as she was too expensive . " There are no discounts .
The price is still $5000 . " Again , the man pulled out the money ,
gave it to Valerie , and they went upstairs . After an hour , he left .
The following night the man was there yet again . Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night , but he
paid Valerie and they went upstairs .
After their session , Valerie said to the man , " No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row . Where are you from ? "
The man replied , " New Brunswick . "
" Really " , she said , " I have family in New Brunswick . "
" I know " , the man said . " Your sister died , and I am her
attorney . She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance . "
 
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
 

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