Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:


Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle- shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.…………….

at this point the husband started crying...
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car...
 
[FONT=&amp]Kevin - When he grows up...

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
want to be when you grow up?"
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a
billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in
Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an
Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen
door in a hurricane." [/FONT]


[FONT=&amp]The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to
acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin’s hooker."[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT]
 
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly Stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But
how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied;
>
>
>
>
>
>
'Cause you're ugly.
 
1 . Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law - If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This is also true when you change checkout lines at Walmart, K-Mart and the
Grocery store.

6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10 . Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
 
Justin Trudeau says we should create harmony by learning Arabic. The Liberal Party wants us to learn more about Muslims and accept them into our culture. We might as well ALL get on the band wagon.

This is my very first attempt at translating English into Arabic. What do you think?







Arabic_zpsce3dd831.jpg


I think this could be fun!
 
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wifes clothes!!!
 
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] A little Thanksgiving humor. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the parrot and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute..[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe
I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[/FONT]
 
Hi boater,

Did you hear about the cargo ship that got a hole in it?

...it had one hull of a problem!

Lol - puns. They are the tasty treats of the English language. We can't help but smile after we are done with them.

Here are 10 other fun puns with a boating twist for a good for a chuckle - or groan!

---

1. I used to have a fear of boats, but that ship has sailed.

2. The fishing boat had to conform to the other vessels out of pier pressure.

3. Why did the admiral decide against buying a new hat? He was afraid of cap sizing.

4. I'm not one for buoyancy but whatever floats your boat.

5. Vacations were cheaper before steamships, because cruises were always on sail.

6. Making a boat out of stone would be quite a hardship.

7. Careful, the Loch Ness monster eats fish and ships.

8. Submarine commanders really like to submerge themselves in their work.

9. Get in the boat... OAR ELSE!

10. A couple of punks crashed my boat party the other day. They just barged right in.

---
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
 



Subject: Tasteless Humor

​







I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway ·

























​

​



​





​

=
 
Bert, at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale; he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret at age 75 looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
 
Quite a few of you may have noticed I have been very thin on the jokes thread lately.

Most of my jokes came courtesey of my Dad. I have spent the last 4 months running 2 -3 hours down the coast with him in a nd out of hospital, witah all bar a few days approxiameatlelly a 12 week stint in hospital.

4 weeks ago, I had to force the decision for him to enter an aged care home. Unfortunately he had also lost the concentration to navigate the computer, so that hasnt been transferred in to him.........................Thanks for all the laughs Dad
 
IanBat said:
Quite a few of you may have noticed I have been very thin on the jokes thread lately.

Most of my jokes came courtesey of my Dad. I have spent the last 4 months running 2 -3 hours down the coast with him in a nd out of hospital, witah all bar a few days approxiameatlelly a 12 week stint in hospital.

4 weeks ago, I had to force the decision for him to enter an aged care home. Unfortunately he had also lost the concentration to navigate the computer, so that hasnt been transferred in to him.........................Thanks for all the laughs Dad
Click to expand...

Thank him for me and wish him well also.

MM
 
Sorry to hear that Ian, thank him from me and wish him all the best too.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
[FONT=&quot]Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Metropolitan Police.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The blondes all nodded.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Now,"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]he said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The blonde immediately said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The detective shook his head and said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Of course he has only one eye in this picture![/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]It's a profile of his face! [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You're dismissed!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Yes! He only has one ear!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You're excused too!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"This is probably a waste of time, but...." [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The blonde said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"You're absolutely right![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]His bio says he wears contacts![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The blonde rolled her eyes and said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."[/FONT]
 
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]CAR TROUBLE [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She says, "What's the story?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]SPEEDING TICKET [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]RIVER WALK[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]BLONDE ON THE SUN [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]IN A VACUUM [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
What do you call a deer with no eyes??
No eye deer

What do you call a deer with a bad eye??
Bad eye deer

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes??
Still, no eye deer
 
This is from an 82 year old friend
Two old guys, one 80 and
> one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The
> 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and
> wasn't even short of breath. The
> 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked
> him what he did to have so much energy. The
> 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It
> keeps your energy level high and you'll have
> great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way
> home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was
> looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any
> help. He said, "Do you have any rye
> bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole
> shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said,
> "I want five loaves." She said,
> "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the
> 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied,
> "I can't believe everybody knows about this ****
> but me."
 
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