Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

I made a promise a while back that I wouldn't send jokes that might be offensive, crude, not politically correct, etc. BUT.... I lied. Here's a couple that came in yesterday.
Enjoy
Larry




A man is sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He has no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, walk past and feel sorry for the poor man.
​
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman asked, "'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in![FONT=calibri, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh . . .
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've
never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to
drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had
ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to an AAA
battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just
came out anyway. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's privates, she composed
herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a
lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.

















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An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,



"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.



"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"


Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......



"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...



Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.


If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.


Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.


You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

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Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all of my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a very large, extremely unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. Then, in a very loud voice, the receptionist said: "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the people in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But, as usual, I quickly recovered and, in an equally loud voice, replied: "NO, I HAVE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR WHO DID YOURS."
The entire room erupted in applause!!
NEVER, EVER MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!
 
Two policemen call the station on the 2 way radio.



"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"



"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the
floor she had just mopped clean."



"Have you arrested the woman?"



"No sir. The floor is still wet."
 
Wow, things in the joke department must be pretty slow for ME to be coming up with three in a row....................

Subject: An Irish Mother

Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son!

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that
lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him.
He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy
or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and
they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery.
Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.
They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week.
They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.
The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.
Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week,
first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens
laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your
grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said
it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on,
so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened..

Your loving Mum.

P.S... I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
 
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and
ten cockerels to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any cockerel not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his cockerels.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which cockerel was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite cockerel, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed
old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other cockerels were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the cockerels coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd
sneak up on a pullet, do his business and move on.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became
an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also
awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking
up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
 
UPS Pilots (Sorry Scott, have no idea if this true, but I thought it funny:)

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechan-ics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pi-lots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of hu-mor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submit-ted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions re-corded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be seri-ous.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
 
What has 75 balls and screws old people?
BINGO!
 
Never Squat With Your Spurs On!​




Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with​




bush pilot Wiley Post...who was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.​

​




Some of his sayings:​








​








1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.​





9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that​




comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.​





11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.​


The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.​

































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A man put a "wife wanted" ad in the classifieds.
The next day he received 100 responses.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
 
A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”
“Irrelevant.
 
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.


So Shirley (my wife) called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.


This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.


We always look for cars with Obama stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It’s so important at our age!!
 
Dr. Geezer.

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."


Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.


So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!







An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."


Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.


So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!
 
KING ARTHUR AND THE OLD UGLY WOMAN

Young Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question - What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day -- or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT -- make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.











OKAY?





Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?












The moral is . . .








If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to be ugly...




























 
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