Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Is this the proper use for a generator?


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I don't claim to know too much about lifesaving but if anyone is going to bring this guy back to life, my money is on the girl on the right...


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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,' Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
**** or drown...

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A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating turkey, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'



'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more turkey.'

He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought a peanut butter sandwich instead. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating turkey sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!





She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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IanBat said:
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
**** or drown...

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Click to expand...

As we're in the Audiology biz, just loved that Ian but don't think I dare print and put it on the Patients' Notice Board!
 
I have one Dad sent me 2 nights ago, that cracked me right up.......however I think I could be banned from the thread for being to racially politically incorrect


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IanBat said:
I have one Dad sent me 2 nights ago, that cracked me right up.......however I think I could be banned from the thread for being to racially politically incorrect


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Click to expand...

You could PM it to a few select individuals who are just sitting around "Lolly gaggin' :grin:
 
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good
news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five
crabs in it.

"Gee-whizz thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I
get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull
her up again".



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One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.




"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."






Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.




"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."




The devil led him to the door of the next room.




In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.




"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.




The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.




Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."




The devil smiled and said............




(This is priceless...)






"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 
I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed an oil stain below the motor.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
 
Saw a good bumper sticker on the way home today;

Make it idiot proof !!!!!

+

+

+

and someone will make a better idiot !
 
Subject: Shave and a Shoeshine





A Texan walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said,
"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber (using a straight razor by the way) began to lather his
face, while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had
ever seen,knelt down and began to shine his shoes.


The Texan said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The Texan said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him, he is the one shaving you."
 
During a recent golf outing, I had been slicing off the tee on every hole.

I asked my Scot-born caddy if he noticed any obvious reasons for my poor tee shots.

To which the caddy replied,

"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver !”


I picked up my driver and cleaned the club face, at which point, the caddy said,


"No, the other end !"
 
From The London Times:

A Well-Planned Retirement


Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and
8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very
pleasant attendant....The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7).


Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he
just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council and
asked it to send them another parking agent.


The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the
zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the
attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot
attendant had never been on the city payroll.


Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or
France, or Italy, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket booth
installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up
every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated
at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this
amounts to just over $7 million dollars..... and no one even knows his
name.
 
Two Tasmanian's were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Tasmanian says to the second,
"If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing’,
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”
The second Tasmanian crooked his head sideways for a minute,
scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it’d make us even."




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Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down

my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,



"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."



No wonder I have been gaining weight!



Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with

Dawn Dish washing Soap. It's label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!
 
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