Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, ........

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
 
Two couples plan for months to head out on a year long cruise on Bob and Susie's 65 sailboat. The second couple Tom and Anne were Bob and Susie's life long friends and guests aboard for the long trip. After 2 weeks into the trip heading from Hawaii to Tahiti a major storm hits in the middle of one night. While all hands were on deck to handle the sheets and tend to a broken boom, suddenly the mast stay snaps the boom comes around and knocks Anne into the water in the darkness. They never saw her again. Will all the damage, tragically the ship sinks and Bob, Susie and Tom drifted on debris. One morning they saw in the distance a small deserted island.

They manage to swim to the small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.




After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.



She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.



Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.










So, they buried Susie.
 
Ewww... that's bad on so many levels.
 
Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large
German-speaking population, a farmer walking down
a country road notices a man drinking from his pond
with his hand. The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht.
Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.'
Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have s*** in it.
The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York and just down here
Campaigning for Obama's health care plan, I can't understand you.
Please speak in English.'

The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get
more."
 
Nehalennia said:
Two couples plan for months to head out on a year long cruise on Bob and Susie's 65 sailboat. The second couple Tom and Anne were Bob and Susie's life long friends and guests aboard for the long trip. After 2 weeks into the trip heading from Hawaii to Tahiti a major storm hits in the middle of one night. While all hands were on deck to handle the sheets and tend to a broken boom, suddenly the mast stay snaps the boom comes around and knocks Anne into the water in the darkness. They never saw her again. Will all the damage, tragically the ship sinks and Bob, Susie and Tom drifted on debris. One morning they saw in the distance a small deserted island.

They manage to swim to the small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.




After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.



She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.



Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.










So, they buried Susie.
Click to expand...

:smt043:smt043
This will definitely be forwarded.
 
A young new couple settled into bed each getting in on their respective side of the bed. As the man throws the covers over him, he lets out a very loud expel of gas. His new wife surprised, said “What the heck was that?”. Thinking quickly, the man said “Oh… that’s Fart Football. I am ahead… 7 points!!!”. After a few moments, the wife expels her own gas and giggles “7 points… we are tied!”. The wife then expels a small but audible point gathering gas flatulation. Then quickly and proudly says “Field Goal!! I am ahead!!! 10-7”. The true competitive nature of the new husband surfaces, not willing to be out done, squeezes hard to obtain certain victory. He squeezes so hard that he only quietly squirted out what was to be the winning score. Thinking quickly, he said “Half Time….. switch sides!!!”
 
*Old Butch*

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept
records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was
replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to
his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just
listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.


Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
 
WHEN SOMEONE STEALS YOUR KODAK MOMENT............

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WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

 
5 Minute ManagementCourse JJJ
​

​

​

​
Lesson 1:
​

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings .
​

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs .
​

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor .
​

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel . '
​


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves .
​


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs .
​

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
​

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies .
​

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
​



Moral of the story:
​

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure .
​



Lesson 2:
​


A priest offered a Nun a lift .
​

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg .
​

The priest nearly had an accident .
​

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg .
​

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
​

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again .
​
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
​

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak . '
​

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
​
and went on her way .
​

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 . It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory . '
​

Moral of the story:
​
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity .
​



Lesson 3:
​

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp .
​

They rub it and a Genie comes out .
​
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish . '
​
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk . 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world . '
​
Puff! She's gone .
​

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep . 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life . '
​

Puff! He's gone .
​

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager .
​
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
​
lunch . '
​


Moral of the story:
​
Always let your boss have the first say .
​

Lesson 4
​


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing .
​

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
​
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not . '
​

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested . All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it .
​

Moral of the story:
​
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up .
​




Lesson 5
​

A turkey was chatting with a bull .
​

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy . '
​
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull . They're packed with nutrients . '
​

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree .
​

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch .
​

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree .
​

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree .
​


Moral of the story:
​
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there . .
​



Lesson 6
​


A little bird was flying south for the winter . It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field .
​

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him .
​

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was .
​

The dung was actually thawing him out!
​

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy .
​
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate .
​

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him .
​


Morals of the story:
​
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy .
​

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
​
friend .
​

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
​
your mouth shut!
​


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
​
 
No Christmas in D.C. this year!!

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity
Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in
the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill
the stable.
 
oops....
 
Last edited:
Not as funny with out the pictures. :lol:
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
 
THIS IS WHAT SORRY LOOKS LIKE

a_sorry.jpg


This is what bad spelling look like
a_bad_spelling.jpg



This is what intimacy looks like
a_intimacy.jpg


This is what deaf looks like
a_hard_of_hearing.jpg


This is what stupid looks like
a_stupid.jpg


This is what 'oh s***' looks like
a_oh_****.jpg


This is what your tax dollars look like
a_tax_dollars.jpg


This is what McBurndt looks like
a_mcburnt.jpg


This is what 'I can wait' looks like
a_i_cant_wait.jpg


This is what a Nightmare looks like
a_nighmare.jpg



This is what a blonde's car looks like
a_blond_car.jpg


This is what 'I thought your husband
was out of town' looks like
a_out_of_town.jpg
 
I like it better with photos but the red Xs did leave more to the imagination.
 
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