Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

[Hampton]

Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.

Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

 

[Hampton]

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise....
Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency....
Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...
and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope....
Our four... no...
Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry...
are such elements as fear, surprise...
I'll come in again.

(Exit and exeunt)

Chapman:
I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)

(The cardinals burst in)

Ximinez:
NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!
(To Cardinal Biggles)
I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Biggles:
What?

Ximinez:
You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are...'

Biggles:
(rather horrified):
I couldn't do that...

(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)

Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)

(The cardinals enter)

Biggles:
Er... Nobody... um...

Ximinez:
Expects...

Biggles:
Expects... Nobody expects the... um...
the Spanish... um...

Ximinez:
Inquisition.

Biggles:
I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -

Ximinez:
Our chief weapons are...

Biggles:
Our chief weapons are... um... er...

Ximinez:
Surprise...

Biggles:
Surprise and...

Ximinez:
Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there.
Stop. Phew! Ah!... our chief weapons are surprise... blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

Fang:
You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church.
'My old man said follow the...'

Biggles:
That's enough.
(To Cleveland)
Now, how do you plead?

Cleveland:
We're innocent.

Ximinez:
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Superimposed caption:
DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER

Biggles:
We'll soon change your mind about that!

Superimposed caption:
DIABOLICAL ACTING

Ximinez:
Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless -
(controls himself with a supreme effort)
Ooooh! Now, Cardinal - the rack!

(Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)

Ximinez:
You... Right! Tie her down.

(Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)

Ximinez:
Right! How do you plead?

Cleveland:
Innocent.

Ximinez:
Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack.
Oh dear... give the rack a turn.

(Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)

Biggles:
I...

Ximinez:
(gritting his teeth)
I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Biggles:
I...

Ximinez:
It makes it all seem so stupid.

Biggles:
Shall I...?

Ximinez:
No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack)

(Cut to them torturing a dear old lady,
Marjorie Wilde).

Ximinez:
Now, old woman - you are accused of heresy on three counts - heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action - four counts. Do you confess?

Wilde:
I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Ximinez:
Ha! Then we shall make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE SOFT CUSHIONS!

(JARRING CHORD)

(Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)

Biggles:
Here they are, lord.

Ximinez:
Now, old lady - you have one last chance.
Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly - two last chances.
And you shall be free - three last chances.
You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Wilde:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Ximinez:
Right! If that's the way you want it - Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

(Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture)

Ximinez:
Confess! Confess! Confess!

Biggles:
It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.

Ximinez:
Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Biggles:
Yes, lord.

Ximinez:
(angrily hurling away the cushions)
Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

(JARRING CHORD)

(Zoom into Fang's horrified face)

Fang:
(terrified)
The...Comfy Chair?

(Biggles pushes in a really plush comfy chair)

Ximinez:
So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)

Ximinez:
(with a cruel leer)
Now - you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven.
(aside, to Biggles)
Is that really all it is?





Biggles:
Yes, lord.

Ximinez:
I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman.
Confess! Confess!
Confess! Confess!

Biggles:
I confess!

Ximinez:
Not you!

 

[Jack F]

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).
WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO. THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE (FRIGHTENING !)

 

[billandamy]

Hampton with a long forgotten (to me anyway!) MP clip...nice!

Jack F...funny cartoon dood!

:lol:

 

[gnealon]

CIA try outs are about to begin. They selected 3 men and asked them all to bring their wives to the interview.

First man entered the room and sat down. CIA dude handed him a gun and said... "Prove your devotion to the CIA. Go back into the waiting room and shoot your wife in the head" So the guy goes into the waiting room and 5 minutes later comes back... hands the gun back to the CIA dude and says "I'm Sorry.. I have been married for over 10 years, i love her and can not do that". "No problem says the CIA dude"

Second man enters the room and gets the same run down. Goes into the waiting room and comes back 10 minutes later. "I am sorry, i have been married to my wife for 15 years and can not do it. I love her too much" "No problem says the CIA dude"

Third man, who's been married over 20 years, enters the room and gets the same run down. He goes into the waiting room. All of a sudden you hear... Pop Pop Pop, BANG, SMASH, BANG, CRASH.... Silence

The CIA dude comes running out and says "What is going on?"

Third guys said... "You put blanks in the gun, i had to strangle her to death!!!!!!"
:lol::lol::lol:

 

[Jack F]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_2lM55MYa4[/youtube]

 

[Jack F]

THE JOB - URINE TEST

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees
fit. In order to get that paycheck in my case, I am required to pass
a random urine test (with which I have no problem). What I do have a
problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have
to pass a urine test.

So, here is my Question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to
get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on
their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping
someone sitting on their ass - doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can
you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to
pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'..

 

[Sea Gull]

THE JOB - URINE TEST

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees
fit. In order to get that paycheck in my case, I am required to pass
a random urine test (with which I have no problem). What I do have a
problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have
to pass a urine test.

So, here is my Question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to
get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on
their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping
someone sitting on their ass - doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can
you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to
pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'..

Is this a joke?

 

[Jack F]

Is this a joke?

Guess not

 

[beachcombersc]

That's racist! I'm ashamed. I laughed.

I must be really slow, or not a much of a racist. I didnt get it till you said that.... Either way, Thanks!

 

[Arizona Tom]

Man waits in a hospital waiting room while wife is in surgery , The doctor comes in with his head down and pulls off his mask . The husband says , " Did everything go Ok ? " The doctor replies... " Well , there were some problems , and I am sorry to tell you that your wife is going to be a vegatable for the rest of her life . You are going to have to feed , bathe , dress , and help with every need she has forever ! " The husband cries... " Oh my god what am I going to do ? " Then the doctor says ... " I was just kidding... she's dead ! " :grin:

 

[Jack F]

Man waits in a hospital waiting room while wife is in surgery , The doctor comes in with his head down and pulls off his mask . The husband says , " Did everything go Ok ? " The doctor replies... " Well , there were some problems , and I am sorry to tell you that your wife is going to be a vegatable for the rest of her life . You are going to have to feed , bathe , dress , and help with every need she has forever ! " The husband cries... " Oh my god what am I going to do ? " Then the doctor says ... " I was just kidding... she's dead ! " :grin:

That was sooooo Bad.... but funny

 

[Jack F]

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

​

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
​

Q</B>. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
​

 

[Hampton]

Alice brought her duck, Cuddles, into her veterinarian. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, but your duck has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,“replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.

”$150!” Alice cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?”

The vet shrugged, “I’m really sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

 

[K-9]

:smt038that is what we charge here.:smt043:lol:

Alice brought her duck, Cuddles, into her veterinarian. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, but your duck has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,“replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.

”$150!” Alice cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?”

The vet shrugged, “I’m really sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

 

[Jack F]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".

 

[Brutus C Paw]

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

 

[Jack F]

MAKES SENSE TO ME !!!!!!!

If Big-Chested women work at HOOTERS

Where do "ONE-LEGGED" women work???



Scroll down for the answer
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

 

[Jack F]

 

[K-9]

my horoscope today" avoid spending too much on un-needed items" so I canceled the newspaper.