Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Whale Of A Time

So these two whales, male and female, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, the male says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

The female says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!"

The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, the male says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which the female, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."
 
hobbies_next_week_a_tank_demotivational_poster_1255733679.jpg
 
Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the Report card that's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home.
 
Nacho Boat said:
Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the Report card that's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home.
Click to expand...

That is awesome:thumbsup:, wish I'd thought of it 30 years ago.:lol:

I will NOT be sharing this one with my kids.:grin:
 
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
 
THE COWBOY

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago….....'
 
Job Interview in Texas


A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
 
Subject: A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a
cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will
you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on
the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo..
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through
an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after
a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to
the cowboy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud
says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a
second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow!
That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't
know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for
that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .... Now give me back my dog.
 
HOW TO START EACH DAY

> WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

>

>

> 1. Open a new file in your computer.

>

> 2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

>

> 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

>

> 4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

>

> 5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

>

> 6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

>

> 7. Feel better?

>

> GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

>
 
[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]them and eat 'em!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh!t [/FONT][FONT=Arial Rounded MT Bold, Helvetica]out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ahole and a briefcase.[/FONT]
 
Confucius say "If you cant find the book youre looking for, youre probably at the...
picture.php
 
"Confucius say "If you cant find the book youre looking for, youre probably at the..."

Drinking again?
 
Quint4 said:
"Confucius say "If you cant find the book youre looking for, youre probably at the..."

Drinking again?
Click to expand...

david, you need to read the name of the book store again...
and have a drink...
 
kevinnice said:
david, you need to read the name of the book store again...
and have a drink...
Click to expand...

I want a drink, but I don't get it either. Where is there a name of a bookstore? Is there a link that should be showing up?
 
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