Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

'Drinking with a Texas Girl'
A Mexican, an Arab,
and a Texas girl are
in the same bar.
When the Mexican
finishes his beer,
he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out
his pistol, and shoots
the glass to pieces...
He says,'In Mexico ,
our glasses are so
cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously
impressed by this,
drinks non-alcohol beer
(cuz he's a muslim!),
throws it into the
air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces...
He says, 'In the
Arab World we have
so much sand to make
glasses that we don't
need to drink with
the same one twice either.'
The Texas girl,
cool as a cucumber,
picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into
the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass,
setting it on the bar,
and calling for a refill,
she says,
'In Texas ,
we have so many
illegal aliens that
we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.'


God Bless TEXAS
 
oldguy.jpg
 
Living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years, it is now believed that Bin Laden called the U.S. Navy SEALs himself.
 
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump,​
why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"


 
Daddubo said:
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump,​
why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"


Click to expand...



:smt043:smt043:smt043
 
You laid on my naked body and applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation. You drove me near crazy while you drained me. Today when I awoke, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail. Only the sheets bore last night's events. My body still bears marks of your ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you. Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you,











You Frigging Bed Bugs!!!!!!
 
mail
is 72 years old.


Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls,

mail
​
she wouldn't be in Oz.​
She'd be in Congress!
 
HOLY HUMOR

**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees.....
 
MEDICAL UPDATE ​




Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!!​

This is good to know!!

MEDICAL RESEARCH
>
2.549881079@web161513.mail.bf1.yahoo.com

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
thatpatients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receivingchicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....:wow:
Just thought you'd like to know.​





BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!
OK, I'll be going to my room now. :smt101​
 
Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.



His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start; can't figure out why.
 
Last edited:
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad! Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mum....
 
I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
Lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
Continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.

And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene.....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
Just continue cleaning up the poop.
 

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
 
Brilliant in its Simplicity................

A) Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B) Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women
C) In three generations, there will be no Democrats.




Damn - I love it when a good plan comes together!
 
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected
his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad..

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors
would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with
Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise "Change",
but don't count on things smelling any better.

changeithink.jpg
 
> TWO OF THE YEAR’S BEST COMEBACK
> RESPONSES
>
> Number 1:
>
>
> If you ever testify in court,
> you might wish you could have been as sharp as this
> policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney
> during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine
> the police officer’s credibility ….
>
> Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the
> scene?’
>
> A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a
> person matching the description of the offender, running
> several blocks away.’
>
> Q: ‘Officer — who provided this
> description?’
>
> A: ‘The officer who responded to the
> scene.’
>
> Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description
> of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow
> officers?’
>
> A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
>
> Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then
> officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in
> preparation for your daily duties?’
>
> A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
>
> Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the
> room?’
>
> A: ‘Yes, sir, .. I do.’
>
> Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
>
> A: ‘Yes, sir.’
>
> Q: ‘Now, … why is it, officer, if you trust
> your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary
> to lock your locker in a room you share with these same
> officers?’
>
> A: ‘You see, sir — we share the building
> with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been
> known to walk through that room.’
>
> The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess
> was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for
> this year’s ‘Best Comeback’ line – and we
> think he’ll win.
>
>
> Number 2:
>
> Now We Know Why He Was a General —–
>
>
>
> In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was
> asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness
> toward the people who have harbored and abetted the
> terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on
> America.
>
> His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
>
> The General said, “I believe that forgiving them
> is God’s function …. OUR job is to arrange the
> meeting.”
 
Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Top of the mornin to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for." inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Arrgh to be sure", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."



http://www.mr4x4.com.au/index.php/component/kunena/4-the-chatterbox/473-jokes/report?Itemid=0
 
More details are being released………………

President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, known as "Bush's Fault". Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters will continue the investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. Conservatives, however, have proven that it was caused by the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves. Residents of D.C. please don't be alarmed with the earthquakes, it's just the country shifting to the RIGHT!!

 
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