Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em




Twas the Month before Christmas




Twas the month before Christmas



When all through our land,



Not a Christian was praying



Nor taking a stand.



See the PC Police had taken away



The reason for Christmas - no one could say.



The children were told by their schools not to sing



About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.



It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say



December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.



Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit



Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!



CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-Pod



Something was changing, something quite odd!



Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa



In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.



As Targets were hanging their trees upside down



At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.



At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears



You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.



Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty



Are words that were used to intimidate me.



Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen



On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !



At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter



To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.



And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith



Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace



The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded



The reason for the season, stopped before it started.



So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'



Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.



Choose your words carefully, choose what you say



Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,



not Happy Holiday !



Please, all Christians join together and



wish everyone you meet



MERRY CHRISTMAS



Christ is The Reason' for the Christ-mas Season!​

​
 
Subject: Worst 1st Date......


If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that a fternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon becam e aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date pr oceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this pass it on.
 
A nuder un
Ole & Lena

Lena is Pregnant with Ole's Child.
Late One night, Lena vakes Ole and says,
'I tink it's Time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor
And took her to the hospital to have their first Baby.
She had a Little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole
And said, 'A son! Ain't Dat Great!'
Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the Doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't Finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little Girl..
He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a Daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind Of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said,
'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The Doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, You yust had yourself another Boy!'
Ole was Flabbergasted by this News!
A couple days Later, Ole brought Lena and their Three Children home In the self-propelled combine. He was Real Serious and He asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on The First Try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline And You vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I Didn't get the WD-40!


​
 



YES,I'm rich!







Silverin the Hair, Goldin the Teeth, Crystalsin the Kidneys,
Sugarin the Blood, Leadin the Ass, Iron in the Arteries and
an inexhaustible supply ofNatural Gas.

​

​


I never thought I'd accumulatesuch wealth

 
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)


1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.


-- Alan, age 10


No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.


-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10




3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?


You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8




4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?


Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8




5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?


-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)




-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.


-- Martin, age 10


6.. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?


-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7




-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7




-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.


- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?


It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )




8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?


There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8



And the #1 Favorite is .......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?


Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

 
​
​
​
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:


"Well, dumbass, stop clapping!"​

 
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The
little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like poop."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."


 
388909_253441481375064_213483202037559_848628_1135935297_n.jpg
 
to early - I'd change that to Sandusky's...
 
well at least we wont have to hear about any peternoty cases
 
Two old Jewish men, Sid & Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in L.A. Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of

any people of our faith born & raised in Mexico ?'

Al replies, 'I don't know; let's ask our waiter.'

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?'

The waiter says, 'I don't know senor; I ask the cooks.'

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes & says, 'No, senor; the cook say no Mexican Jews.'

Al isn't satisfied & asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?'

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with Gringos' replies, 'I check once again, senor!' He goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico .

Our people are scattered everywhere.'

The waiter returns & says, 'Senor, the head cook Juan say there is no Mexican Jews.

' 'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!'

'SENOR, I ask EVERYONE,' replies the exasperated waiter. 'All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, & Tomato Jews.

 
Sex Terms ...

If Sex with 3 people is called a threesome.

If Sex with 2 people is a twosome.

Now we understand why they call you........


"handsome"!



:lol: . :lol: . :lol:
 
THISTEST ACTUALLY WORKS FOR SOME PEOPLE.



MAKE SURE YOU DO THE MATH TESTING BEFORE LOOKING AT THE MOVIE LISTING.
The Movie Test

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Star Wars". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!


Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Movie List:



1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joys of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

 
electricaldoctor said:
THISTEST ACTUALLY WORKS FOR SOME PEOPLE.



MAKE SURE YOU DO THE MATH TESTING BEFORE LOOKING AT THE MOVIE LISTING.
The Movie Test

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Star Wars". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!


Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Movie List:



1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joys of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Click to expand...

That sucks! Im really not that big of a fan of Jurasic Park....
 
Last edited:
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