Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh

your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .



When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:



Routine...
(1)The woman buys the food.
(2)The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3)The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4)The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone



where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can



take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5)THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.



More routine...
(6)The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7)The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.



He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat



Important again:
(8)THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND



HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.



More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils,



napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.



And most important of all:
(11) EveryonePRAISEStheMANandTHANKS HIMfor his cooking efforts.



(12)The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off'and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
 
Who does the land of Israel belong to?

An Israeli's sense of humor at the UN set the record straight. An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.






A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!



The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.' The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.




 
A good old boy from down South won a bass boat and trailer from the marine store 100 miles away. He pulled it home with his rusty truck and parked it in the field out back. His wife came out and said "What are you going to do with that thing?" He said "I'm going fishing." The wife said, "There's no water within 50 miles!!!" About that time his buddy showed up and asked what he was doing. Again he responded that he was fishing and to leave him alone because he was getting a bite. His buddy said, "It's a good thing I can't swim or I'd swim out there and kick your butt!!"
 
Sanctions against Canada & USA


This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's only supply of convenience store managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa, AOL,Sprint, and GE customer service reps.

It's getting ugly folks.
 
Teaching Maths in Britain

1.Teaching Maths In1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2.Teaching Maths In1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4.Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5.Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6.Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7.Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests,is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The Parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.You do the maths.

8.Teaching Maths 2017
أالمسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل100دولار.صاحبتكلفة
الانتاج80منالثمن.ماهو الربح له؟=
 
Last edited:
We have all talked to this guy - finally, a picture of him:

securedownload1-1.jpg




Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, You have passed all the tests,except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make asentence using the words Yellow,Pink,and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibarsaid, 'The telephone goes green,green,And I pink it up, and say, Yellow,this is Mujibar....'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
 
SENIOR Q AND A's



Q: Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his
wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?Where it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt .."
Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!
 
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ' Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ' Nope, ain't Stanley ' The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, ' Yup, he ' s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.. ' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ' No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, ' How can you tell? ' Gomer said, ' Well, Stanley had two assholes. ' 'What? He had two assholes? ' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen ' em, but everybody used to say: 'There 's Stanley with them two assholes. '
 
mwph said:
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ' Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ' Nope, ain't Stanley ' The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, ' Yup, he ' s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.. ' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ' No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, ' How can you tell? ' Gomer said, ' Well, Stanley had two assholes. ' 'What? He had two assholes? ' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen ' em, but everybody used to say: 'There 's Stanley with them two assholes. '
Click to expand...
:smt038:smt038:grin::grin:
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12
twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs
clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.
 
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1.. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.
 
COWBOY TOMB STONE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in The Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah ..
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?


cowboy.jpg
 
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.
Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not
understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad. ...I became a prostitute...

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur
coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque..For me
little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a
membership to the Limerick Country Club......... .................. (takes a
breath)...... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve
on board my new yacht in the Caribbean and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a
PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
 
Cussing In Church



A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic Church and says to the
secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.

'The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?

'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church.

'The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to
listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor
asks the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?''

There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of
this damn money.

''I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this ***** giving you a hard time?'
 
After a long night of making love, the guy

notices a photo of another man, on the woman's

nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.




'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.




'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.




'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.




'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his

ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,

hoping to be reassured.




'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'

she answers.




'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.


She whispers in his ear




'That's me before the surgery.' ...:smt021


************************************
 
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ..
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!


Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date
 
LENA and OLE ---</SPAN>
Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.
Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole
and says, 'I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere
tractor and took her
to the hospital to have their
first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor
looked over at Ole and
said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!
' Well, Ole got excited by dis,
but yust den the doctor spoke
up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!
' The doctor den held up
a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole!
You got you a daughter!
' She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this,
an then the doctor said,
'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't
done yet!' The doctor then
delivered another boy and said,
Ole, you yust had yourself
another boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought
Lena and their three Children
home in the self-propelled combine.
He was real serious and he asked
Lena , 'How come we got tree on
the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night
we ran out of Vaseline and You vent
out in the garage and got dat dere
3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda!
It's a darn good ting I didn't get
the WD-40.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Forum statistics

Threads
113,301
Messages
1,430,278
Members
61,164
Latest member
MrElie
Back
Top