Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

RThe Mammogram

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors..

Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36B to a size 38 LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4 inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be rightttt backkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....
 
I was sitting out on the deck with my wife having a beer. I leaned over and said, "I love you.". My wife asked, oh, is that you or the beer talking? I said, "um, that's me talking to my beer, why?"
 
Yeah! Tyrone needs to watch where he's walking cause curbs can be >> dangerous



Augusta, GA

Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told
police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson
of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his
jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an
employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys
for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he
stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the >> injury
did not appear to be severe.

After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was
transported for treatment.

The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken
arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible
broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose
and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of
the curb after stabbing the Marine.

Now that was a well written Police report.
 
Two for one:The Libyan people want a new muslim leader,I say give him ours.
 
Why I'm Depressed


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel: “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land.”


Nearly 75 years ago, (when welfare was introduced), Roosevelt said: “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel. This is the promised land.”


Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the promised land!


I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc...... I called the Suicide Hot Line.


I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.


They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
2CB7B3B5047C4BBD9DB40932D50F68F5@ppcbasic
 
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming,
universal health care, or the stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you
a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, Thinks about it and says,
"Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming,
universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
 
THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2010

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.. His father said,
'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your
mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the
father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he
asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past
your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I
heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if
I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f'king bike!
 
A Doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
​




The German doctor comments:


"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."




A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."




The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us. In the USA a couple of years ago we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States , and now....... the whole country is looking for work !!!!!!"





 
I couldn't have said it better myself!




Father & Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”
She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the conservative side of the fence.”

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended."

Well, I forwarded it to you.
 
A Wish To Live Forever



I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.


"I want to live forever," I said.


"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"


"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out
of their asses!"


"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
 
I'm not sure I've ever read anything that says it all better than this.
66pony said:
I couldn't have said it better myself!




Father & Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”
She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the conservative side of the fence.”

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended."

Well, I forwarded it to you.
Click to expand...
 
the father daughter one is great
 
A black man, a rapist, and a homophobe walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, Kobe, may I have your autograph?"
 
President Obama was having trouble sleeping when he
Woke up he saw the ghost of George Washington standing over him!

Obama asks him, “What’s the best thing I can do to help my country?”

Washington replies “Set an honest and honorable example like I did.”
and fades away.

The next night while tossing in bed Obama wakes up to the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson standing over him!

Obama asks him, “What’s the best thing I can do to help
my country? "

Jefferson replies, “Respect the Constitution like I did!” and fades away!

The next night Obama awakes to the ghost of Abraham Lincoln! He asks Lincoln, " What's
the best thing I can do to help my country? "

Lincoln replies “Go see a play!”
 
This fits a lot of Politicians, but I leave it the way it was sent to me….


While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man…Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle’” ..
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a ‘post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain.
“You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”
 
Psalm 2011


















Priceless​

​

I don't care who you are or what you believe, this is funnneeee!!!​






















mail
​







Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.​
mail
​
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.​
mail
mail
​
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.​
mail
​

He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.​
mail
​
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.​
mail
​
I am glad … I am American,
I am glad … that I am free,​
mail

But I wish … I was a dog,
And Obama … was a tree!​
~Author Unknown​
 
Three men were in a bar, one man says " we should have went to my bar they give you free tacos. The second man says "we should have went to my bar shooters are only $2.00. The third man says" we should have went to my bar they give you all the drinks and shooters you can drink for free then they take you upstairs and you get laid". Both guys stare at him in amazement and say" did that really happen to you?". Not yet he replies but it happened to my Sister.
 
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