Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

How fast can you guess these words with missing letters?



















1. F_ _K


2. PU_S_


3. S_X


4. P_N_S


5. BOO_S


6. _ _NDOM






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Answers:






1. FORK


2. PULSE


3. SIX


4. PANTS


5. BOOKS


6. RANDOM










You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?






Well, Congratulations! You don't have Alzheimer's - but you are a pervert!








In God We Trust
 
Not really a joke but something we are destined to do especially if we have Children

WORRY

Is there an imaginary cutoff period when
Offspring become accountable
For their own actions?
Is there some wonderful moment when
Parents can become detached spectators in
The lives of their children and shrug,
"It's their life", and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties,
I stood in a hospital corridor
Waiting for doctors to put a few stitches
In my son's head and I asked,
'When do you stop worrying?'
The nurse said,
'When they get out of the accident stage..'

My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.


When I was in my thirties,
I sat on a little chair in a classroom
And heard how one of my children
Talked incessantly, disrupted the class,
And was headed for a career
Making license plates.
As if to read my mind, a teacher said,
'Don't worry, they all go through this stage
And then you can sit back,
Relax and enjoy them.'

My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.


When I was in my forties,
I spent a lifetime waiting
For the phone to ring,
The cars to come home,
The front door to open.
A friend said,
'They're trying to find themselves.
'Don't worry!
In a few years, they'll be adults.
'They'll be off on their own
They'll be out of your hair'

My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

By the time I was 50,
I was so tired of being vulnerable.
I was still worrying over my children,
But there was a new wrinkle..
Even though they were on their own
I continued to anguish over their failures,
Be tormented by their frustrations and
Absorbed in their disappointments..
And there was nothing I could do about it.

My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.


My friends said that
When my kids got married
I could stop worrying
And lead my own life.
I wanted to believe that,
But I was haunted by My Parents' warm smiles
And their occasional,
'You look pale. Are you all right' ?
'Call me the minute you get home'.
Are you depressed about something?'


My friends said that
When I became a Grandparent
That I would get to enjoy
The happy little voices yelling
Grandma! Grandpa!

And now I find that I worry
Just as much about the little ones
As my big ones.
How does anyone cope
With all this Worry?

Can it be that parents are sentenced
To a lifetime of worry?
Is concern for one another
Handed down like a torch
To blaze the trail of human frailties
And the fears of the unknown?
Is concern a curse or is it
A virtue that elevates us
To the highest form of earthly creation?


Recently, one of my own children
Became quite irritable, saying to me,
'Where were you?
I've been calling for 3 days,
And no one answered
I was worried.'

I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.:thumbsup:


PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS & GRANDPARENTS
(OH! And also to your children... That's the fun part)
 
Some of us are there already, some close, and the rest, getting there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

​
BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

Thelittle silver haired ladysays, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have anice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)








"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."










​
cid:0BDDC4960F7943FE8CC075BD16BE5297@althea2b915bf8
 
It's the new kid's first day working at the marina fuel dock.

A sailboat pulls up, and the veteran dock attendant nudges the new kid, and says "great....another Whistle Pisser!" The new kids asks "what's a Whistle Pisser?" Dock veteran responds "you'll figure it out...just pay attention."

The two help the sailor into the dock, and help him with his lines. The Sailor puts on his Tilley hat, hops onto the dock, takes his pipe out of his mouth, and asks "gentlemen....how much is your diesel?" "$4.25 a gallon sir," says the new kid.

Sailor's reply: "*loooong 'holy cow'-type whistle*...where's your bathroom?"
 
have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old.�
well . . . You'll love this one.



my name is�alice�, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.�



i noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.



could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?



upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.



this balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.�



after he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended�morgan�park high school�.�



'yes. Yes, i did.. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.



when did you graduate?' i asked.



he answered, 'in 1965. Why do you ask?'



you were in my class!', i exclaimed.



he looked at me closely.�



then, that ugly,�



old,�



bald,�



wrinkled faced,�



fat-assed,�



gray-haired,�



decrepit�



son-of-a-b!tch�



asked,�


'what did you teach???
 
I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left." By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:


"The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left."
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)
 

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's to show how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, engineers, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:
 
This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if it does not stop meddling in Egypt they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps .

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents either.

It's gonna get ugly, people.
 
Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or
neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next
day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal, Sister Paschal, decided that something
had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them
there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little
princesses).



To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the
girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints
on the mirror.
 
FOX has just signed on Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan for a new hit series...

"Two and a Half Grams"
 


I was eating lunch today with my 12 year old grandson when his mom asked him "What is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day" She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something profound... He said: "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House andif he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment." I almost snorted my iced tea.
 
> THE BOTTLE OF WINE
>
> Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
> As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
> With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
> Resuming the journey, Sally tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
> "What in bag?" asked the old woman.
> Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
> The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
>
> "Good trade . . ."

 
MOSHE FELDMAN

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're
just like Moshe.

'Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Moshe Feldman ; He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Moshe Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Moshe Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like
an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you
should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Moshe Feldman,
could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Moshe, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if
she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Moshe Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Moshe, he died and I married
his f****** wife.

Sound familiar to anyone....??? :huh:
 
And the other's side perspective....

WOMEN'SASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:

30% of womenthink theirass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...​


The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.





=
 
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