Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

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Apologies is this is a repeat...

A cowboy named Bud was watching his herd in a mountain pasture in California when suddenly a new BMW drove up in a cloud of dust.

The young man was in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, and leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, then at his peace herd and answers, "Okay."

The yuppie gets out and pulls out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on

the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location to feed into another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

Then he opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot verifying the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer. He now turns to the cowboy and says, "You have 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. You can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud!

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
 
The owner of a bar notices a new customer slamming shots.
He approaches the guy and comments you should slow down your really getting wasted and I can't serv you anymore. The guy looks at him and says with a distained look just found out my oldest son is gay. The owner then talked with him for a while and the guy left feeling better.
Two weeks go by and he is in the bar slamming shots again. The owner approaches him again and comments So it's bothering you again that your son is gay. No, I just found out my other son is gay. Once again the owner talked with him for a while helping the guy to feel better.
Six months later the same guy is slamming shots now the owner can't contain himself. He approaches the guy and says doesn't anyone in your family enjoy having sex with a women? The guy stares at him and says yup just found out my daughter does.
 
Skydiving for the first time the parachute will not open. Free falling not knowing what to do. He sees a guy wearing nothing more than street clothes heading up towards him as fast as he is falling down. As they pass next to each other. The parachuter yells to the guy. Do you know anything about opening a parachute? The other guy yells back no. Do you know anything about lighting a gas stove?
 
Long time ago I owned a twin beech D18. I hauled a group of advanced sky divers on a regular basis. Many said they had hundreds of takeoffs but no airplane landings. Point of pride for them.
 
fr8dog said:
Long time ago I owned a twin beech D18. I hauled a group of advanced sky divers on a regular basis. Many said they had hundreds of takeoffs but no airplane landings. Point of pride for them.
Click to expand...
I took off 68 times before I ever landed in an airplane...

And I have many jumps from a Beech 18
 
I try it once if I live that was it I'd never do it again
 
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