Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A man is driving down the motor way in the fast lane with a trailer full of monkeys​

he notices his friends jeep in the adjacent lane. He slows down and ushers his friend to pull down the window.

"John I'm in a massive rush, if I give you $50 could you bring these monkeys to the zoo?"

"No problem" replies John

About 4 hours later, the man drives the opposite direction on the motorway and is surprised to see John's truck with the monkeys still in the back. He ushers John to roll down his window once more.

"John wtf are you doing? I gave you $50 to bring those monkeys to the zoo".

"I did" replies John
"But I had money leftover so we are off to the cinema".
 

Optimus Prime is at home, watching TV, when his power goes out.​

Frustrated, he calls the electrical company, and they have someone sent over. As he goes to ask the lineman what's going on, he notices that his jaw won't move, so he goes to get some motor oil to lubricate his jaws.

10 minutes later, he arrives back at his house, his mouth full of motor oil. He approaches the lineman, and asks, "Why did my power go out?"

The lineman gives him a quick glance, and tells him, "Well, sir, it appears as though you've blown a transformer."
 

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop.​

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"
 

Guy gets hired as a salesman at a huge big box store...​

....the type of store that sells everything.

At the end of the first month he is top salesperson, and the boss calls him in for a chat.

"You're amazing" says his grateful boss, "your first month on the job and you're top salesperson already! Not sure how you do it, for example just the other day you sold that customer all the fishing stuff".

"Well, we had gotten around to talking about fishing, and I told him about the special when you buy a pack of lures, we can give you a discount on the tackle box, so he bought both. And then I explained that when he buys a rod and reel, we put the line on the reel free of charge, so he went for that. And while we're at it, I told him about the 20% rebate on the outboard motor, when he purchases a new boat from us".

"Wow! All that stuff, you sold him lures, tackle box, rods and reels, and a new boat and motor, and he just came in looking for fishing lures" exclaims his very impressed manager.

"Well no actually, he didn't come in looking for lures, he came in looking for tampons, so I told him 'hey, your weekends fucked now, you may as well go fishing!'"
 

Have you heard about the new French tank? It had fourteen motors.​

13 go in reverse.


The last one goes forward, in case the enemy attacks from behind.
Surrender monkeys.....

1701122755546.png



Reminds me of a listing on Gun Broker for a number of WW2 French pistols and rifles with the description: Dropped once......never fired.
 
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.He said, "They crashed near my farm, so I buried all of them. One of the police officers ask with shock, "Are you sure they were all dead?"The farmer said, "Some of them were screaming, "We are still alive" but I didn't believe them. You know how these politicians lie."


Talk about tragedy. I heard there were a few empty seats. :)
 

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