Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

After walking out of a bar inebriated the guy walks past an alley. He hears a woman's voice. Quicke 20 bucks. Good idea in his drunken state. As their going at it a patrol car pulls into the alley shines a light on them and the policeman yells out what the hell are you doing. The inebriated guy yells back having sex with my wife. What the hell are you having sex with your wife in the alley for. Officer, I didn't realize it was my wife till you shined the light on her.

 

Just scheduled the physical for this year and it reminded me of a conversation with my doctors administrative assistant last year...

AA: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: Need to schedule a physical with Dr. C.
AA: Have you seen him since we moved in the the UH Health System last July?
Me: No.
AA: Then you first have to come in for a "Get Acquainted" visit first and then we can schedule you for the physical.
(I paused for a moment here not appreciating what I saw as a BS, waste my time, money grab appointment)
Me: Miss, In the past, Dr. C has had his hands on my scrotum about 10 times, we've met.
AA: A physical it is!

 

Some funny shit

https://www.instagram.com/reel/ChzPkOeMIwj/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

 

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 8-year-old
grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets me ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!"

Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country.

Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he
added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole
thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream
is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.

My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did
something I will remember for the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am
this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. You must be a Democrat, shove it up your ass and cool off!"


Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it.

 

Now that is the most heartwarming story I've heard all week!

 

might have posted this before but still funny