Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Discussion in 'The Tiki Bar' started by The Bill Collector, May 6, 2009.

  1. JMG

    JMG Member

    62
    Dec 28, 2018
    2006 Sea Ray 185 Sport
    4.3l Mercruiser

    A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"

    Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

    After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

    fter a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

    "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

    He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

    She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.

    She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

    "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
     
  2. JMG

    JMG Member

    62
    Dec 28, 2018
    2006 Sea Ray 185 Sport
    4.3l Mercruiser
    A woman, playing golf, hit a drive that struck a man nearby.

    He put his hands together between his legs and fell down, rolling around in pain.

    Rushing up to him lying on the ground, she pleaded with him to let her help him, because she was a doctor.
    Reluctantly, the man agreed.

    Carefully moving his hands from between his legs, she unzipped his pants and slid her hands inside, gently massaging for a few minutes.

    "Does that make it feel any better?" she asked.

    "That's very nice, thank you", the man replied, "but I still think my thumb is broken".
     
  3. Frtbroker

    Frtbroker Active Member

    138
    Feb 12, 2014
    Illinois
    1998 370 Sundancer 10ft dinghy
    7.4 Horizons HO
    Happy Holiday's Comet.jpg
     
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  4. JMG

    JMG Member

    62
    Dec 28, 2018
    2006 Sea Ray 185 Sport
    4.3l Mercruiser
    What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
    "Hey - do you smell carrots?"
     
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  5. JimG

    JimG Well-Known Member SILVER Sponsor

    Nov 4, 2008
    Southern WV
    2007 310 DA
    Kohler 5ECD
    Twin 350 Mags
    Raw Water Cooled
    V-Drives
    Merry Christmas to all my friends at CSR...
    A little early I know, but I have so many happy beautiful friends, I thought I'd get the ugly f^ckers out of the way first. After careful consideration of your performance in 2019, I have decided to extend our friendship for another 12 months. A little Christmas message for you. Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives a thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you go, little buddy! Today you should take a moment and send an encouraging message to a f^cked up friend, just as I have done. I don't care if you lick windows, or f^ck farm animals. You hang in there cupcake, because you're f^cking special to me, and you're my friend. Look at you smiling at your computer/phone, you crayon eating mother f^cker!
    Merry Christmas!
     
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  6. Creekwood

    Creekwood Well-Known Member GOLD Sponsor

    Apr 26, 2009
    Oakville and Georgian Bay, Ontario
    '97 330 Sundancer, Raymarine C80 suite with radar, Mercury 310 Hypalon w/8hp Yammie 2stk
    2X 454 carbs w/ vDrives
    Three fat old guys in Speedo's lying on pool lounge chairs outside their condo building in Miami. Chatting about their working days.

    First guy says: I built my business in NYC for 40 years. Started with nothing. No silver spoon for me, no sir. Then one day --- a massive plant explosion one night took it all away from me. Horrible day. But lucky for me the insurance covered it all and now I am down here in Miami enjoying the good life.

    Second guys says: 52 years. 52 years I built my company in Philly. Banks tried to take it away when times got tough, but I was tougher. Hung on and built a successful business and did really well. Then one day in late December -- the fire. Took it all away. 52 years and down to ashes. Tragic. But no one hurt, and my insurance was good too. So here I am sitting by the pool living a good retirement.

    Third guy says: I had a great business in Jersey. Took over from my dad. Almost 60 years we toiled at the business through tough times and great times. Dad was gone for only 5 years when the flood hit. Wiped it out. 60 years gone in one flash flood. But... our insurance policy was solid. So doing well down here in Miami.

    They sit quietly for a few minutes sipping their drinks, then the first guy says:
    "How do you start a flood?"
     
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  7. Creekwood

    Creekwood Well-Known Member GOLD Sponsor

    Apr 26, 2009
    Oakville and Georgian Bay, Ontario
    '97 330 Sundancer, Raymarine C80 suite with radar, Mercury 310 Hypalon w/8hp Yammie 2stk
    2X 454 carbs w/ vDrives
    Well bless your little heart! Thank you.
     
  8. Windjammer

    Windjammer Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    464
    Nov 10, 2007
    Marietta, GA
    340 Sundancer 2006
    8.1 Mercruiser V-Drives
    It has finally arrived . . . the 2020 football scouting report is currently making the rounds of Division 1 football coaches:

    Wayfron P. Jackson:
    6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.
    Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name. Signed with Tennessee .


    Quinticious Jenkins:
    6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C.
    Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm. Signed with Auburn .



    Woodrow Lee Washington:
    6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.
    Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said somethin' bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20/20. Signed with the University of Oklahoma .

    Willie "Night Train" Smith:
    6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old.
    Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT'
    s. Signed with the University of Alabama .

    Tyrone "Python" Peoples:
    6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges.
    Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six colleges. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company. Signed with University of Miami .

    Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:
    6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion.
    Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville . Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
    Signed with the University of Florida .
     
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  9. Windjammer

    Windjammer Active Member SILVER Sponsor

    464
    Nov 10, 2007
    Marietta, GA
    340 Sundancer 2006
    8.1 Mercruiser V-Drives
    On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

    The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
    After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, he
    warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "
    When you do, you will become more potent than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
    When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "
    1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for"

    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we
    could end up with a dangling participle.
     
  10. JMG

    JMG Member

    62
    Dec 28, 2018
    2006 Sea Ray 185 Sport
    4.3l Mercruiser
    My wife came into the living room last night in a panic.
    "Look what I found under our son's bed!" she exclaimed, tossing a stack of pornographic magazines on the coffee table. "What should we do?"
    I picked up the stack and saw they were bondage and S&M magazines.
    I said, "Well, spanking him's probably not going to do any good."
     
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  11. JMG

    JMG Member

    62
    Dec 28, 2018
    2006 Sea Ray 185 Sport
    4.3l Mercruiser
    My girlfriend found out she's adopted. She was devestated. In tears, she kept asking me, "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her, and after a while the tears stopped. Eventually, she asked me to make love to her, so I did... and the tears started again.

    Upon reflection, getting behind her and shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY!" was probably a little insensitive.
     
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  12. JimG

    JimG Well-Known Member SILVER Sponsor

    Nov 4, 2008
    Southern WV
    2007 310 DA
    Kohler 5ECD
    Twin 350 Mags
    Raw Water Cooled
    V-Drives
    TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS and all through the boat,
    The bilge pumps were hustling to keep us afloat,
    The children were nestled all snug in their berths,
    (We sleep here most nights to get our money's worth)

    As Ma read Jackie Collins and I guzzled beer,
    She said "You've had enough, now come to bed dear."
    Then out on the dock there arose an uproar
    As I reached in the Igloo to get just one more.

    So up went my head out of the hatch.
    (Though I should have thought first to undo the latch.)
    I saw stars for a moment, and as quick as a blink
    My wife yelled, "See, you've had too much to drink!"

    The moon on the water lit the marina up bright
    (Which was good, since the kids had lost my flashlight.)
    Then what with my wondering eyes should I see,
    But a fat, fuzzy old guy in a Bayliner Capri.

    Instead of an outboard hung on the rear,
    Tied to the bow were eight tiny reindeer.
    More rapid than Reggie, these coursers they flew,
    And on each of their hoofs was a Topsider shoe.

    With crashing and bashing and banging and knocking,
    I knew in an instant they must be docking,
    "No Dasher! Hold it, Dancer! Damn you Prancer and Vixen.
    Stop, Comet! Grab a line, Cupid! Get bumpers, Doneer and Blitzen!
    Look out for that boat! Watch that seawall!
    Now fend off, fend off, fend off all!"

    He was dressed in a red cap ringed with fur trim
    Along with a Speedo that covered just a fraction of him.
    I was shocked and astonished. What could I say?
    I also go boating dressed exactly that way.

    He then grabbed a bag, a bulging huge sack,
    And hoisted it up onto his back,
    He also had sponges and a mop in his grip,
    As he waddled his way o'er to my slip.

    He said "My name's Nick, and my friend, I can tell
    That your gel coat needs buffing and your teak looks like hell.
    Your vinyl needs cleaning, your lockers arranging,
    Your holding tank pumping, and your oil a-changing,
    You've put these jobs off for too long and you know it.
    So here's all that you need. This time don't blow it."

    Then as quick as he came, he was back on his boat,
    His reindeer revving and eager to tote.
    "Merry Christmas!" he called as they cruised through the night.
    "And regarding the beer Joe, your wife she is right."
     
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  13. JMG

    JMG Member

    62
    Dec 28, 2018
    2006 Sea Ray 185 Sport
    4.3l Mercruiser
    I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
     
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  14. JMG

    JMG Member

    62
    Dec 28, 2018
    2006 Sea Ray 185 Sport
    4.3l Mercruiser
    I was recently diagnosed with an eye problem that would require surgery. Being a little nervous about the procedure, I would mention it to acquaintances to find out if any had experienced anything similar and ask their impressions. I was talking to a neighbor, a first generation Japanese immigrant, and asked him, "So, have you ever had cataracts?"
    He smiled and shook his head. "No, so sorry, I drive a Rinkun."
     
  15. Blueone

    Blueone Well-Known Member GOLD Sponsor

    Jan 24, 2007
    Lake Erie, Ohio
    2004 420 Sundancer
    Cummins 6CTA 450's


     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2020
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  16. Espos4

    Espos4 Well-Known Member

    Jan 1, 2017
    Long Island NY
    2007 240 Sundeck
    350 MAG Bravo 3 W/DTS
    I finished watching it 10 minutes ago, probably won’t stop giggling to myself for another 10 minutes.
     
  17. electricaldoctor

    electricaldoctor Well-Known Member TECHNICAL Contributor PLATINUM Sponsor

    May 14, 2008
    Thousand Islands, Rockport, Ontario.
    1988 390 EC
    454 Mercruiser Gassers
    Video is not available.
     
  18. Blueone

    Blueone Well-Known Member GOLD Sponsor

    Jan 24, 2007
    Lake Erie, Ohio
    2004 420 Sundancer
    Cummins 6CTA 450's
    Worked for me... I put up another one just in case
    The 2.5M hits that you tube got was probably more than the Globes got last night :)
     
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  19. JMG

    JMG Member

    62
    Dec 28, 2018
    2006 Sea Ray 185 Sport
    4.3l Mercruiser
    Never eat at a restaurant where the sign in the restroom reads "All Employees MUST Wash Hands Before Returning To Work - ESPECIALLY Carl!"

    People always tell me that I remind them of someone. I think it's because my parents were first cousins. That's why I look so much alike.

    Whenever someone asks me, "Hey, boxers or briefs?" I always say, "Why are those my only two options?"

    I'm more of a dog person but, hey, I'll eat anything if you cook it right.
     
  20. Blueone

    Blueone Well-Known Member GOLD Sponsor

    Jan 24, 2007
    Lake Erie, Ohio
    2004 420 Sundancer
    Cummins 6CTA 450's
    F7130FF2-0CC3-42D5-8A6B-9B3B74F8A94D.jpeg
     
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