Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

The man comes to his doctor and tells
him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells Stormy to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband any more.

The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
 
The man comes to his doctor and tells
him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells Stormy to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband any more.

The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
GFC, Your one of the good ones....I expect nothing less than for you to kick this cancers ass!!! Don't let me down brother!!
 
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you Mama
 
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Want to hear a Coronavirus joke? You probably won't get it.

(Too soon?)
 
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.



Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and,after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."
 
Your Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried, "$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
 
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A man was taking a leisurely drive down a country road, taking in the sights, when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. Glancing at his speedometer, he realized the chicken was keeping even with him traveling at 30 miles per hour. Amazed, he turned back for a closer look and saw the chicken had three legs.
He accelerated to 40, and the chicken was still there. 50, still there. He reached 60 mph and the chicken put on a tremendous burst of speed, overtook him and darted across the road and down a dirt driveway.
Thoroughly mystified, the man turned down the driveway and followed it for about a mile, where it ended at an old farmhouse and barn, where a farmer was working on a tractor.
He stopped and exited his car, and the farmer came over and asked if he could help the man.
"Yes", the driver replied, "I was driving along the road, and I was outrun by what looked like a three legged chicken! I've never seen anything like it, do you have any idea what it could have been?"

The farmer gave a big laugh and said, "Sure do! I'm a chicken farmer and we've been working on developing a three legged chicken for years. We've finally got it, and it's gonna make me rich!"

The driver said, "Why would you want a three legged chicken?"

The farmer replied, "Well, everybody loves drumsticks. If it's just you and your wife sitting down to chicken dinner, there's no problem, but suppose you have company? This way, everybody gets a drumstick. I tell you, it's gonna be great!"

The driver agreed. "Well, I see your point. That would be quite popular. How do the drumsticks taste?"

The farmer shrugged and said "I don't know. We haven't managed to catch one yet."
 
I bought my wife an am clock radio. It took her 3 weeks to realize it also worked at night.

My wife and I were watching the news and the anchor reported that 100 Brazillians had been arrested at a soccer match. She turned to me and said "Wow, that sounds like a lot. How many millions in a brazillion?"

I heard a breaking news report about a driver going the wrong way on the Interstate near our house. I called my wife and said, "Honey, be careful on the way home. They're reporting that somebody's driving the wrong way on the Interstate".
She said, "One?! There's HUNDREDS of them!"
 
I bought my wife an am clock radio. It took her 3 weeks to realize it also worked at night.

My wife and I were watching the news and the anchor reported that 100 Brazillians had been arrested at a soccer match. She turned to me and said "Wow, that sounds like a lot. How many millions in a brazillion?"

I heard a breaking news report about a driver going the wrong way on the Interstate near our house. I called my wife and said, "Honey, be careful on the way home. They're reporting that somebody's driving the wrong way on the Interstate".
She said, "One?! There's HUNDREDS of them!"

And then the fight started........
 
How do you make a candle happy? Just blow it out : it will be DE-LIGHTED
 
Last Saturday afternoon in Washington, D.C., an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic Cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending Sunday’s Mass and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling her a saint.

The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over most of Pelosi’s views.”

Pelosi’s aide said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the Church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”

As Pelosi’s aide promised, Nancy appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, “While Ms. Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a drunken thumb-sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for evading her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. Just look at the streets in her district! Feces everywhere. The woman is simply not to be trusted.”

The Cardinal concluded. “But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Ms. Pelosi is a saint.“
 

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