Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A wife found a porn magazine in her son's room the other day. She showed it to her husband, and it was BDSM. She asked him "What should we do?" Husband: "Probably not spank him." She belted him with the magazine. Now the husband knows where the son gets it from.
 
Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.” “Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?” “Back to back.” “But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.” “Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”
 
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’
 
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’
The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
 
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,
"What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc....

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the
White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullcrap!"
 
I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop.

He said, "I want you to try, and sell this to me."

So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called my cell phone, and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200, and it's yours."
 
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life"

He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a $1M bank account."

He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25M bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."
 
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
 
John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. He looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says: "Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...." John inscribes the words in his heart. At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say. 'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? " "I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...." The widow screams and faints. "What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says: "You are standing on my oxygen hose, you idiot."
 
The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. “I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.” The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.” The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.” She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.
 
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking. "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one. "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second. "I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."
 
There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom. The Marine goes to leave without washing up. The sailor catches up with him later and says, "In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands." The Marine replies, "In the Marines, they teach us not to pee on ours!"
 
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
 
Twenty years in prison...
wife: what's wrong honey why are you crying?
husband: remember when I got you pregnant and you were only 17
wife: that was a long time ago honey
husband: remember I was 18 and your dad said I marry you or do 20 years in prison?
wife: yes I remember so what?
husband: I would have gotten out today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was sobbing downstairs looking at his marriage certificate.
wife: What is wrong honey?
husband: I can't find the expiration date on this.
~~~~~~~~~~
Take the 3 day challenge....
No bad jokes on Feb. 29,30, & 31. We CAN make a difference! JOIN today!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard graduate: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Ok, where are you from, jackass?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

China has a population of a billion people. One billion.

These are older and outdated #s but this is still semi interesting so try to bear with me here.

That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two older dudes loved football. They wondered if there was football in heaven. So they made a deal that whichever of them died first would come back in spirit form and tell the other if there was football in heaven or not.

Sure enough, one of them died. A bit of time went by and the other old fellow was home alone one night when his deceased buddy appeared to him in his living room. They greeted each other, then the question came up: is there football in heaven?

The friend who had died said: "I have good news and bad news." Other guy said: "Give me the good news first." Then the answer came: "Yes, there is football in heaven."

Then the old guy said: "What's the bad news, then?"

"You're starting at fullback this Sunday."
 
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips.

She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you...”
 
Two new sailors were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other sailor replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
 
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