Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Discussion in 'The Tiki Bar' started by The Bill Collector, May 6, 2009.

  1. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred.

    As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

    The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.

    The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
     
  2. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    At the court of a small provincial town, a lawyer calls his first witness, an old woman around 80 and he asks her with a professional style: "Do you know me, Mrs. Rowland?" "Of course, I know you Mr. Smith! says the old woman. I know you since you were little, and I have to confess that I am very disappointed in you. You lie, you cheat on your wife repeatedly, you gossip about your clients. Of course, I know you!"

    Speechless, by the unexpected answer, the lawyer points with his finger on the other side of the court room and says: "Do you know the defense lawyer?" "Oh, yes! I know Mr. Soft as well. I was holding him in my arms when he was a baby, and I can say that I am disappointed in him, too. He’s a drunk and a gamester. He finds it hard to develop a normal relationship with anyone and he is one of the worst lawyers of our town!"

    At that point, the Judge interrupts the process and demands from the two lawyers to approach the bench. When they do, he bends over and whispers to them: "If one of you jerks ask her if she knows me, you’re screwed!"
     
  3. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
     
  4. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  5. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    A man goes into a florist and says, "I want to buy some flowers for my girlfriend". "Certainly sir", she responds, "and what in particular are you after"? After some thought, the man answers, "SEX".
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  6. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidentally sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it. A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  7. Steve S

    Steve S Active Member GOLD Sponsor

    787
    Jun 5, 2007
    Northern IL.
    2000 400 Sedan Bridge with twin CAT 3116's

    2000 340 Sundancer - SOLD!
    210 Monaco 1987 - SOLD!
    Twin Caterpillar 3116's 350 HP straight drives
    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
    their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
    yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
    reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
    and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
    Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
    ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
    the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
    always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
    I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
    to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
    would always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
    but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

    "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
    says the man.

    The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

    The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long
    legs who agrees with everything I say.."
     
    WV 320 Dancer and boatman37 like this.
  8. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?

    A: Snap-on tools!
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  9. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me." "I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  10. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and he shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your a$$!"
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  11. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    It is just crazy no one knows whats happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. Its a nightmare... no way to know whether to carry sweets or money!
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  12. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    A man is in Vegas where he lost all of his money so he can't pay for a cab to return to the airport. He sees a cab and begs the driver to give him a free ride to the airport but the cab driver declines.

    The next year the man returns to Vegas and get filthy rich when he decides to leave for the airport. There is a huge line of cabs, and at the very end of this line was the very driver who never gave him a ride the previous year.

    The man walks up to the front cab "Excuse me, sir if you give me a free ride to the airport I'll let you give me a handjob." The driver declines immediately. The man then asks all the drivers in this line the same thing.

    When he gets to the last driver, he pays the fee and the cab driver begins moving, when he moved by the line, the man puts two thumbs up through the window so all the other drivers could see
     
    WV 320 Dancer and boatman37 like this.
  13. Gofirstclass

    Gofirstclass Well-Known Member

    Apr 20, 2010
    Tri Cities, WA
    1995 550 Sedan Bridge,
    2010 Boston Whaler 130 Super Sport,
    1981 Boston Whaler 130 Sport,
    CAT 3406C's, 580hp.
    Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited:

    “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!” “No way!”

    “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

    Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”

    The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”
     
    WV 320 Dancer and boatman37 like this.
  14. Gofirstclass

    Gofirstclass Well-Known Member

    Apr 20, 2010
    Tri Cities, WA
    1995 550 Sedan Bridge,
    2010 Boston Whaler 130 Super Sport,
    1981 Boston Whaler 130 Sport,
    CAT 3406C's, 580hp.
    When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```

    I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Walmart!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Women really know how to hold a grudge.

    My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

    It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

    His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

    “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

    “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

    So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

    “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

    So they start walking down the fairway, After a bit Arthur asks “Where did it go?”

    “I don’t remember.”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
    Got thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money. Why should I have to pay real money to see fake boobs?
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  15. Gofirstclass

    Gofirstclass Well-Known Member

    Apr 20, 2010
    Tri Cities, WA
    1995 550 Sedan Bridge,
    2010 Boston Whaler 130 Super Sport,
    1981 Boston Whaler 130 Sport,
    CAT 3406C's, 580hp.
    Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. Let the Weiner jokes begin.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I've got my first date of 2019 next week I mean, it's a court date, but it's a date and I'm dressing up.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    He is teaming up w Eric Holder for the next presidential election:

    ****WEINER-HOLDER 2020****
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    To go along with Free the nipple day,
    February 18 is officially FREE THE WEINER DAY.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  16. JMG

    JMG New Member

    24
    Dec 28, 2018
    2006 Sea Ray 185 Sport
    4.3l Mercruiser
    An elderly gentleman reads about the benefits of nude yoga, so he decides to give it a try. Stripped down in his living room he goes through stretches, Downward Facing Dog, The Lotus, etc. He's doing a handstand against the wall when his wife walks in.
    "Honey, I can't find my glasses. You haven't seen them, have you?" She walks a little closer and can vaguely see him.
    "Oh, there you are... honey, you forgot to shave! And your tie is crooked!"
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  17. Blueone

    Blueone Well-Known Member SILVER Sponsor

    Jan 24, 2007
    Lake Erie, Ohio
    2004 420 Sundancer
    Cummins 6CTA 450's
    take the bus.jpg
     
  18. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    Undertaker to bereaved husband. When did you 1st notice your wife was dead?

    Well he replies, "The sex was the same but the dishes were starting too pile up."
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  19. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
     
    WV 320 Dancer likes this.
  20. MonacoMike

    MonacoMike Well-Known Member PLATINUM Sponsor

    Sep 15, 2009
    Indiana lakes and Lake Michigan
    2000 Cruisers 3870
    97 270 Sundancer
    85 Sea Ray Monaco 197
    8.2 Mercs,
    7.4 BII
    260hp Alpha 1
    To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole. "Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."

    The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion. "Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is." They walk up to the house and knock on the door. "Come on in," a voice in the house says. The couple open the door and enter the foyer.

    The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch. When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?" "Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that." "Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return." "Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says. The genie smiles. "Consider it done." "And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks. "Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

    The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you." The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room. When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?" "31," she replies. "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
     

Share This Page

Show Sidebar