Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.
 
"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious boat while your income is so low?" asked the IRS auditor.
"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, 'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most awesome boat you have ever seen'. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got this boat."
"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?"
"Well, you can see the boat, can't you?"
 
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
 
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to The President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:



Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
 
Good to see you back Mike. I figured you went crazy 'cause you couldn't go boating and they put you in an involuntary confinement.

Glad you escaped! :cool:
 
A male student asked his English teacher,
“What is the definition of a dilemma?"
The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to
illustrate that.”
“Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused
naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other.”



“Who are you going to turn your back on???
 
My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection. You should have seen her face when I got back and handed her some diet pills! I'm still looking for a place to live...
 
A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and out of despair asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How should I know?
I'm only 6."
 
Meteorological experts were predicting a gargantuan flood that would destroy the world.

The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your Maker."

The President went on national TV and announced, "Our scientists have done all they can. The end is near."

The Seattle evening news came on and said, "Today's five day forecast-same as usual."
 
Father shark teaches his son how to eat a human:
First you swim around one time so that a human can see you,
Then you make another circle, but closer, and then you attack and swallow a human.
Little shark asks: "Can't I just attack and swallow? Why make two circles?"
Father responds: "You can, but then you will be eating it with sh**"
 
Q: How many boaters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, because the right size bulb isn’t on board, the local marine-supply store doesn’t carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.
 
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