Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery..

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said,
[FONT=&quot]"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you; but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"My wife's[/FONT][FONT=&quot].", answered the man.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]''What happened to her?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot], the curious man asked.

The man replied, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"She yelled at me, and my dog attacked and killed her."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

He inquired further, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"But who is in the second hearse?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

The man answered, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
When the dog turned on her."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed
between the two men.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Can I borrow the dog?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

The man replied, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Get in line."[/FONT]
 
[FONT=&quot]Japanese Sex..............[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Husband: Sukitaki.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Wife replies: Kowanini![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!






[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Unbelievable![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You need help!![/FONT]
 
[FONT=&amp]This pretty well sums up the M.P.s of today![/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]An elderly farmer was in the Emergency Ward having stitches put in his
hand, due to an accident with a piece of machinery.

The doctor carrying out the procedure struck up a conversation with the old
man.

Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our
leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post
Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post
Tortoise' was?

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post
tortoise."

The old farmer, seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, continued to
explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he
doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his
ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumbass put him up there to
begin with."

[/FONT]
 
Last edited:
Staff Meetings Can Be Fun

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of
a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss,
who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to
have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad
slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations
were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and
camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be
there overnight.

6. Viagra, be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a
woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.
 
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
 
ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME




His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,

and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is ... . .
You're NOT my flight instructor?'

"Life is short.
Drink the good wine first.










































 
[FONT=&quot]The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older and a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched ME all night."

[/FONT]
 
A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub,

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.’

She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?'

'Nay,’.

Jock replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
Here is an email sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.



Dear Mr. Page...
I always love your articles. and I generally agree with them. I would suggest, as in an email I received, they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress.

Here are some other politically correctness to consider: I agree with our Native American population . I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay.

We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive . Gone. It's offensive to us
white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population . Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged . We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children . The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children .

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic . Wrong message to our children .

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates . Wrong message to our children .

The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying . . . Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should . Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress loves . . .

As a die hard Oregon State fan, with all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers . "

Keep those cards and letters coming.
 
:lol:

Ken, the only team names left that doesn't offend anyone are the Seahawks and the Mariners. Both, coincidentally from one of the most politically correct (and left leaning) cities in the US--Seattle!
 
Church Ladies With Typewriters

\They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.









Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
IanBat said:
For any one with Kids at school, or is over this blame everyone else attitude

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Pwghabw4N80?rel=0


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Click to expand...

Good one Ian. We'd be doin' hard time if we ever pulled that off around here though. It's too bad; we're brought up to tell the truth, and then condemned for it when we become adults. It's not just the school systems any more either. Some work places are equally as bad.
 
Chris Nowell said:
Good one Ian. We'd be doin' hard time if we ever pulled that off around here though. It's too bad; we're brought up to tell the truth, and then condemned for it when we become adults. It's not just the school systems any more either. Some work places are equally as bad.
Click to expand...

I don't believe it is actual, though this whole attitutude of equal performance, it is up to the school, employer etc..........I spent 9 years as a service manager/industrial relations with one workshop alone employing 45 tradesmen. It drove me nuts...

I'm a better tradesman, I work harder, I fault find better...I should be paid more......pay has to be equal....


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
IanBat said:
I don't believe it is actual, though this whole attitutude of equal performance, it is up to the school, employer etc..........I spent 9 years as a service manager/industrial relations with one workshop alone employing 45 tradesmen. It drove me nuts...

I'm a better tradesman, I work harder, I fault find better...I should be paid more......pay has to be equal....


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Click to expand...

That's why there's "flat rate" shops eh? :thumbsup:
 
I love my job:


Think of this when you have a bad day!​



Aspire to inspire before you expire



If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!


This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in
Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...





~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.


Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.


The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.


His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.


Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't $**t for two days because my ass was swollen shut.



So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?


May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

​
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.

Forum statistics

Threads
113,259
Messages
1,429,523
Members
61,136
Latest member
Gforce lll
Back
Top