Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left..

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you." (Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.)
 
I was in a pub in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my ass and said, "Give me your number, sexy."



I replied "Have you got a pen?"



She smiled and said "Yes."



I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
 
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.


Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
 
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a ****ty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bum and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way
to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
gripping the wall; he slowly makes it to the kitchen.

There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was
it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when suddenly his wife smacked it with a wooden spoon.

”**** off!!!” she said,……………. “they're for the funeral”.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.

But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone

calls him a real man. How come?





Man replies:



It's very simple.


Confucius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3

different keys, it's a bad lock.


But when one key can open 10 different locks, we

call it a master key!'.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
A rich man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
Everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

I want the Bastard who pushed me in!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
Last edited:
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached
by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bull****ting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”







Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
Oops sorry!

Colin Said


'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]Tower:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]TWA 2341:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Tower:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
______________________________________

[/FONT]
 
[FONT=&quot]A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"What was your last known position?"
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Student:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"When I was number one for takeoff."

[/FONT]
 
[FONT=&quot]Tower:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Eastern 702:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Tower:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Continental 635:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

[/FONT]
 
[FONT=&quot]While taxiing at[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]London[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]'s Airport, the crew of a[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]US[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Air flight departing for[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Ft. Lauderdale[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]US[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Air crew, screaming:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am[/FONT][FONT=&quot],"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]"Wasn't I married to you once?"[/FONT]​
 
Tax Return Audit

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:
12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico
and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
1 useless President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HE!! DID I MISS?
 
Men's Mastercard Commercial

Cover Charge $15.00
Round of Drinks $23.00
Table Dance- $30.00
Another round of drinks $23.00
Couch dance and tips $50.00
A round of shots $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room $300.00
Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: ***PRICELESS****
 
Re: Tax Return Audit

There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"... At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together"
 
Re: Tax Return Audit

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen." the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."
 
Re: Tax Return Audit

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Forum statistics

Threads
113,259
Messages
1,429,472
Members
61,135
Latest member
Gregger
Back
Top