Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

[Daddubo]

Husband vs. Wife

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to fool around?' 'No,' she answered.. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to over 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.

 

[Trucky]

A Marine teaching a lesson

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school
teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He
was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On
the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard
the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew
they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the
window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his
tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence...




The rest of the year went very smoothly.

 

[lbud]

Re: A Marine teaching a lesson

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
... If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!

The husband, typical non-romantic, replied, “I am on the commode. Please advise."

 

[HUMPH]

The Dam



This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond onhis property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department ofEnvironmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response ishilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.



State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:



SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality thatthere has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel ofproperty. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor whodid the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet streamof Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A reviewof the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is inviolation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource andEnvironmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, beingsections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failedduring a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstreamlocations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous andcannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desistall activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flowcondition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the streamchannel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that afollow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure tocomply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site mayresult in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Pleasefeel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.



Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr..Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 hasbeen handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing andmaintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, Ithink they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of naturesbuilding materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their damproject any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely statethere is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their damresourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their damdetermination and/or their dam work ethic.



These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, Ido not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permitprior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said damrequest?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through theFreedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those otherapplicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will seeif there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, ofthe Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the PublicActs of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the PennsylvaniaCompiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beaversentitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financiallydestitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State willhave to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed duringa recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a naturaloccurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, weshould leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them andcalling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition pleasecontact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously didnot pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build theirunauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and waterflows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoySpring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and EnvironmentalProtection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referredfor more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? TheSpring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no wayfor you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmentalquality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears areactually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should bepersecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you aregoing to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are notcareful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact youon your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,


RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

 

[HIFI]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits
the Middle East. Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know
where to start with providing help to rebuild their countries.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and
Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the
infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims. :>)

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN, damn, those Brits are smart!

 

[Lucky's]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[Trucky]

Crumpled Money

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued.

"Well go look in the garage..."

 

[Buckeye Boater]

Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
...
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[jrseitz]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."...

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said,

*

*

"Yeah, well... You started it."

 

[Trucky]

Football

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.
In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday,
go hunting on Sunday,
and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
___________________________________________
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________
A University of Delaware football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.
He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
___________________________________________
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "
"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
___________________________________________
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________
University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;
the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________
How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________
Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________
How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
___________________________________________
What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player’s life?
Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.

 

[Escapade]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers #9
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A
woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving
in the United States Congress.

 

[Trucky]

Sea story

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad... The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!" The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz." THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better!

 

[Lucky's]

Re: A Marine teaching a lesson

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

 

[HUMPH]

Loved this one!



A woman went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.


"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."


The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."


When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."


The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.


Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,


"Hi Keith."
























");

 

[Trucky]

Things I've Learned In The South

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya.
If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?

People actually grow, eat and like okra.

Fixinto is one word.
It means I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch.
There is only dinner and then there's supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
We do like a little tea with our sugar.
It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is,
you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular.
All ya'll is plural.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You carry jumper cables in your car, for your OWN car.
Why else would you carry them?

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip. Don't forget the obits.

Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr.(first name)

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know what a hissy fit is.
And you know how to pitch one.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

 

[IanBat]

Re: Things I've Learned In The South

[FONT=&quot]Attempting to Set A New Password:
[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Website: Sorry, your password has expired - you must register a new one.

User: Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

Website: No, but your password has expired - you must get a new one.

User: Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

Website: Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Website: No, you must get a new one.

User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.

User: OK, roses

Website: Sorry you must use more letters.

User: OK, pretty roses

Website: No good, you must use at least one number.

User: OK, 1 pretty rose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

User: OK, 1prettyrose

Website: Sorry, you must use additional letters.

User: OK, 1f'ckingprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

User: OK, 1F'CKINGprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User: OK, 1F'ckingprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

User: OK, 1F'CKINGprettyroseshovedupyour*ssifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightf'ckingnow

Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used .[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[randmhall]

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many
years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you
need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in
no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look
after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot
fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."

 

[The Bill Collector]

New Parrot


[SIZE=+0]A woman went to a pet shop and

immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live

in a house of prostitution, and

sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to

have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's

cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,

but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,

the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then

began to laugh about the situation considering how and

where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."[/SIZE]

 

[MonacoMike]

Loved this one!



A woman went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.


"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."


The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."


When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."


The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.


Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,


"Hi Keith."
























");

New Parrot


[SIZE=+0]A woman went to a pet shop and

immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live

in a house of prostitution, and

sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to

have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's

cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,

but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,

the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then

began to laugh about the situation considering how and

where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."[/SIZE]

You could have heard this over a month ago. LOL

MM

 

[IanBat]

History of the Condom
I've always been a keen student of history but I didn't know this.
In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower
intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of
the goat first.