Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

What’s the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy... just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all, and didn't want to give his cold to his granddaughter. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather…”Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, er, not very much, Papop, it was really sort of boring. We didn't see a single *******, queer, lesbian, piece of ****, horse's ass, Obama lover, blind bastard, dip****, Muslim camel humper, or son of a ***** anywhere we went!"
 
The Queens Riddle-
When Barack Obama met with Queen Elizabeth II, the Queen of England , he asked her…
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"


"Well," said the Queen,
"The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Obama frowned, and then asked,
"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"


The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"


Tony Blair walked into the room and said,
"Yes, your Majesty?"


The Queen smiled and said,
"Answer me this please Tony.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"




Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered…
"That would be me."


"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.


Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question.
"Joe, answer this for me."
"Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"


"I'm not sure," said Biden.
"Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.


Frustrated, Biden went to work in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.
Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot Joe."
“Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"


Paul Ryan answered,
"That's easy, it's me!"


Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!"


Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."
"It's Paul Ryan!"


Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"



...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE
 
The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
• The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

• The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"













Why are you scrolling down?


It's your turn to say something.
 
A small boy's question.

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-on son......go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
 

I'm sure this was posted before but it is funny

The Old Boat

​

They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good boat story!!

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-stators who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

The old woman fainted
 
Best Break-Up Letter Ever!

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from
his girlfriend back home.

It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky..............


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me.

Take Care,
Ricky
 
After her son leaves for a party, the Mother decides to change the sheets, and accidentally notices an S&M magazine under the pillow. Shocked by such behavior, she calls up the Father to the room -

Mother (shouting): "What have we raised? What is there to do?! What are we going to do?!"
Father (calmly flipping through the pages of the magazine): "Well, one thing's certain: we're not spanking him ever again, that's for sure."
 
Football Season

I know many of you may already be looking forward to football season. Well, here's a little recap of last year...

Coincidence? Just wondering...

Alabama beat Arkansas,
and Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee,
and Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Auburn,
and Auburn fired their coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame,
and the Pope resigned...

Darn, I wish the White House had a football team!
 
The T.S.A. Disclosed the official Airport Screening Results
October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.
 
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams at him. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married...."
 
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
 

As I approach my twilight years, I am struck bythe inevitability that the party must end. And one clear, cold morning afterI'm gone, my spouse will awaken in the warmth of our bedroom and be struck withthe pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore."

 No morehugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls justto chat, no more "just one minute."

 Sometimes,what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to returnbefore we can say good-bye, or say "I love you."

 So while wehave it, its best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal itwhen it's sick.
This istrue for marriage.....and old cars, and children with bad report cards, anddogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them becausethey are worth it, because we are worth it.

 Some things we keep -- like a best friend who movedaway or a son-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make ushappy, no matter what.

 Life is important, like people we know who arespecial. And so, we keep them close!

 Suppose one morning you never wake up, do allyour friends know how you really feel? The important thing is to let every oneof your friends know your true feelings, even if you think they don't love youback.

So, just in case I'm gone tomorrow, please restassured I voted against that a$$hole Obama.....both times.

 
As we all prepare for another round of useless gun controlrhetoric
along with potentially even more useless gun control legislation I
thought it appropriate to again pass along the basic rules of a
gunfight along with my suggestion to load up on as much ammunition as
you can before you can't afford it.......

In a gunfight, the most important rule is..............HAVE A GUN


Shooting Advice from various Concealed Carry Instructors. If you own
a gun, you will appreciate these rules. If not, you should get one
and learn how to use it and learn the rules :

A. Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.

B. Its always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C. Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D. Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arm’s length

E. Never say "I've got a gun." If you need to use deadly force, the
first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F. The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response
time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

G.The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win - There is no
such thing as a fair fight. Always win - cheat if necessary.

H. Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets . . . You may
get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with
it, 'cause it will be empty

I. If you're in a gun fight:
If you're not shooting, you should be loading.
If you're not loading, you should be moving,
If you're not moving, you're dead.

J. In a life and death situation, do something . . . It may be wrong,
but do something!

K. If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you
have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L. You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or any other word, but a large bore
muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much a universal language.

M. You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself
and your family.


"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands
around reloading" Thomas Jefferson
 

Subject: THEN ALL IN A SUDDEN IT IS THE WINTER OF ' 'YOUR ' LIFE

I FIRST STARTED READING THIS and WAS READING FAST UNTIL I REACHED THE THIRD SENTENCE. I STOPPED AND STARTED OVER READING SLOWER AND THINKING ABOUT EVERY WORD.
THIS IS VERY THOUGHT PROVOKING. MAKES YOU STOP AND THINK. READ SLOWLY!

AND THEN IT IS WINTER

You know. . . time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is... the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...it's over. A new adventure will begin!
Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY!
DO SOMETHING FUN!
BE HAPPY !
HAVE A GREAT DAY
Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.
LIVE HAPPY IN 2013!
LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,
YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE
SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!
~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that
you don't care to do them anymore.
~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.
~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, "MY FRIEND!" Send this on to "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!
It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.




 
Redneck Hooker

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars”, she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks,
so they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer.

“What's going on here people?”, asks the officer.

“I'm making love to my wife!”, Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

“Oh, I'm sorry”, says the cop, “I didn't know.”

Bubba says, “Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face…”
 
A Muslim immigrant goes to the doctor and says, "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and says: "You need to pee and chit in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.

Then put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor and says, "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "You were homesick."
 
Book Report-Too funny!!!
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books,
'Titanic' and 'My  Life' by Bill Clinton .

GetInline.aspx

GetInline.aspx


One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool teacher gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.

Titanic:.... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing



 


No English dictionary has been able to adequatelyexplain the
difference between thesetwo words...

In a recently heldlinguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best inthe world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with astanding ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final questionwas:.. How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a waythat is easy to understand.

Some people say there isNO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astuteanswer……..

When you marry the rightwoman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, andwhen the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

He won a trip to travelthe world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.
 
SCOTTISH WEDDING At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J.yelled...

​
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made

your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.







SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine

was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.





New Book

A man goes into Borders and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have

the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"




Poor Lance Armstrong -

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated

Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7

Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.





Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the
remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!




The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my

aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to

turn your clock back".







SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite

18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen







So True

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.




The Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.





Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For goodness sake , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"




Sex Research (could be handy)
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome,
now I understand why they call you handsome!


EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
 
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