Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

[Nacho Boat]

Black Testicles


Jim, A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely -




















A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

 

[berkan]

:grin:
Some nice pic`s!

 

[Nacho Boat]

My wife claims that she caught me writing into Dear Abby....

Please read the below ----



Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs are phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them.."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide next to the garage behind my boat so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind the boat, that I noticed that there were some hairline cracks in my gelcoat, right where the hull meets the transom of my boat.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it over to the boat yard to have it repaired? Thank you.

 

[Quint4]

ha ha ha....good one.

 

[Nacho Boat]

The Indian With One Testicle ​

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die! ​

Why ??? ​

OH, come on... take a guess !!! ​

Think about it !!! ​

You're going to love this !!! ​

Everyone knows... ​

You can't kill Two Birds​

with OneStone!!!

 

[Jack F]

The Indian With One Testicle ​

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!' ​

The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.​

The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die! ​

Why ??? ​

OH, come on... take a guess !!! ​

Think about it !!! ​

You're going to love this !!! ​

Everyone knows... ​

You can't kill Two Birds​

with OneStone!!!

Very funny..

 

[VTSeaRay]

The 11th Husband...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom.. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". ​

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with
Obama's "GOVERNMENT"​

so This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."​

 

[Hampton]

#10 - Now that's funny!

 

[VTSeaRay]

#10 - Now that's funny!

I liked it! :grin::smt043:lol::smt038:thumbsup:

 

[ditto]

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful..

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.


​

 

[Arizona240DA]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK.

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack
Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?


GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

 

[bjac]

Cussing at Work

From: Human Resources
To: All Employees

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


Number 1
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

Number 2
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

Number 3
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

Number 4
INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way..
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

Number 5
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
TRY SAYING: Really?

Number 6
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

Number 7
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

Number 8
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

Number 9
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

Number 10
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

Number 11
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...

Number 12
INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
Number 13
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

Number 14
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

Number 15
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

Number 16
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks..
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

Number 17
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

Number 18
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

 

[Jack F]

The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'.

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer...'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries:Germany , Holland ,Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar.... You know....they have frozen glasses........ '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey.... At the bar... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN ****! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE FREAKIN' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOO NOT GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT **** IS OVER! GOT IT, DUMBASS?'

And they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?
MARRIED LIFE .
MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP!!!

 

[Jack F]

A smart blond, a dumb blond and santa were playing poker. Who won?























































The dumb blond the other two don’t exist..

 

[Pseudomind]

I read this today.

Clown in Chief :smt043:smt043Fits:huh:

 

[66pony]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.

 

[HUMPH]

Priceless!

Saving the best for last, here it is!

​

 

[Jack F]

Priceless!

Saving the best for last, here it is!

​

:smt043:smt043

 

[electricaldoctor]

Priceless!

Saving the best for last, here it is!

​

All that I see are square boxes with red x's in them. What's up with that?

 

[Daddubo]

Let's Offend Everybody!



Q. What's the Cuban NationalAnthem?


A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.



Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


[FONT=Century
Gothic]A. A different bar.



Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?


A. Sum Ting Wong.



[FONT=Century
Gothic]Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?


A. A speech impediment.



Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?


A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.



Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?


A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



[FONT=Century
Gothic]Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?


A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.



Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?


A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'



Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale???


A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins,.... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'



Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?


A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States


[FONT=Comic
Sans MS]OH shut up.......
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]

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