Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

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The Atheist in the Woods:

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!', 'What powerful rivers!', 'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,

reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

Instantly, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!'

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist

and even go so far as to credit my creation to cosmic accident.'

'And now you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly

ask you to treat me as a Christian now . . . but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian

instead?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head spoke thus:


'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from
Thy gracious bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
 
The Congressman

One afternoon a Congressman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
More curious than disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Congressman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the Congressman replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "but sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them along as well," the Congressman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Congressman and says,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The Congressman replies, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is almost a foot high."
 
The Haircut:

Blessed are those who
can give without remembering,
and take without forgetting.

--------------

One day a florist went to a barber for a
haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the
barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm
doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next
morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen
roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop. The next morning when the barber went to open
up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts
waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and
when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied,
'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Congressman was very
happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the
barber went to open up, there was no "thank-you" card,
but a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. :shock:

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
 
A small boy asks his Dad, “Dad, what are politics”? Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father,
"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says,
"Good, son, tell me in your
own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."
 
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