Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Daddubo said:
Other uses for Dyson Vac

th_DysonVac.jpg
Click to expand...

I couldn't figure this out for a moment, it does not indicate it is a video. I bet Dyson loves the nod even though it is an LG ad. MM
 
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to abank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enoughto have it published in the New York Times.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways . I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters,--- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank ,by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THESTAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my livingroom in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroomin case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toiletin case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobilephone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer,a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to youat a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and tolisten to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint orinquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever soslightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


And remember:

Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
 
Last edited:
All,

Not sure if this had been posted before so excuse me if it has:

MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month
Hi John,
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
 
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor...The employee behind the counter says to him, "How can I help you???"
The Dalai Lama replies "Can you make me one with everything???"
 
COFFEE HURTS





I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?" She said "It's President's Day!"





She is a smart kid, so, I asked her, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.





She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."





You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
 
Your Tools Explained





DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh sh--!'


SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.


BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheeting into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your new
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to ream out Phillips
screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.





HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit. Also has the tendency to blacken finger nails.



UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes and fingers in the way, but only while in use.


SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab
and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Hope you found this informative. It's coupled with a Community Service
Project I am assigned to, so there is no need to send me a thank you note.






















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​
 
VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES


How do you turn afox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you donewrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never beable to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closerto the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the requiredpressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
REMEMBERto
Sendthis to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who don't own a gun. (orat least do not know how to use it - YET)
 
[h=2]Getting old!!!![/h]
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.



MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.



I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.



COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?



UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.



THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.



AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..



'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.



WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.



HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'



YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.



HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.



THEN, THAT UGLY,



OLD,



BALD,



WRINKLED FACED,



FAT-ASSED,



GRAY-HAIRED,



DECREPIT



S.o.B


ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???​
 
Geometric Logic


Never quite saw it this way - but, it's an interesting assessment

The Wonder of it All

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
 
The Light turned yellowjust in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.."

Priceless!
 


Subject: Incredable talent
. Questions:

Is this what people really think?

Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway..


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why​



Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
Are not on sale?


Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?​

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. ​
​
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ​
​
​
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>​
 
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama (in a heavily accented southern voice) said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack in Mobile, and I am callin' to tell y'all that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation, "there is
myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole
dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in
my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow" said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"

Sure enough the next day, Archie called again. Mr. Obama, the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie that I have 16,000
tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above" said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. President Obama!
I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir" said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long
chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
 
Subject: Fwd: IRS Inspector



At the end of each tax year, the IRS office sends an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice

you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and

every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he

went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left

over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on,

"What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them

to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
 
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