Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A man with a ski mask walks into a bank and announces "This is a stick up, I want everyone on the floor and when I come around I want you to give me your money and wallets."

He gets to this one guy and the fella reaches up and pulls off the mans mask and gets a good look at his face. The robber puts his mask back on and shoots the guy dead.

The robber asks "did anyone else get a look at my face?"

Another man raises his hand and says "I think my wife did"
 
soooooo....The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys."
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as
I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
... cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty
solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,
then said 'oh ****,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
farted.
 
has this been posted before? I don't care who you support, this is funny.

obama-hot-air-453x604.jpg
 
In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.


This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.


The other involves a groundhog.
 
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle




Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page




Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid




Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage




Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams




Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner




Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half




Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet




Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.




Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..








Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands




Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.




Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.







 
Liberal​

Conservative​

Arsenal of Weapons​

Gun Collection​

Delicate Wetlands​

Swamp​

Undocumented Worker​

Illegal Alien​

New American​

Illegal Alien​

Currently Unregistered Voter​

Illegal Alien​

Cruelty-Free Materials​

Synthetic Fiber​

Assault and Battery​

Attitude Adjustment​

Heavily Armed​

Well-protected​

Narrow-minded​

Righteous​

Taxes or Your Fair Share​

Coerced Theft​

Commonsense Gun Control​

Gun Confiscation Plot​

Illegal Hazardous Explosives​

Fireworks or Stump Removal​

Non-viable Tissue Mass​

Unborn Baby​

Equal Access to Opportunity​

Socialism/Communism​

Multicultural Community​

High Crime Area​

Fairness or Social Progress​

Marxism​

Upper Class or "The Rich "​

Self-Employed​

Progressive, Change​

Big Government Scheme​

Homeless or Disadvantaged​

Bums or Welfare Leeches​

Sniper Rifle​

Scoped Deer Rifle​

Investment For the Future​

Higher Taxes​

Healthcare Reform​

Socialized Medicine​

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater​

Conservative​

Truants​

Homeschoolers​

Victim or Oppressed​

Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing​

High Capacity Magazine​

Standard Capacity Magazine​

Religious Zealot​

Church-going​

Reintroduced Wolves​

Sheep and Elk Killers​

Fair Trade Coffee​

Overpriced Yuppie Coffee​

Exploiters or "The Rich "​

Employer or Land Owner​

The Gun Lobby​

NRA Members​

Assault Weapon​

Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)​

Fiscal Stimulus​

New Taxes and Higher Taxes​

Same Sex Marriage​

Legalized Perversion​

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting​

Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs​

Accepted Facts​

Horse Sh-t​















​

 
Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah. If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing FOREVER!
 
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED?
Men Are Just Happier People​
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$87.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24[SUP]th[/SUP] in 25 minutes.
___________________________________

​
 
Well, it took forty years but here are the new labels being considered for liquor bottles these days.







This should be taken seriously!!!
Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel
gode.
Pass this to all your friends if you feel they may be in danger.​





























 
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."
 
Did you ever wonder why a scuba diver falls out of a boat backwards? Because if he fell forward he would still be in the boat.
 
What would you do???????????

Situational assessment...
The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with rough-looking, tatooed bikers, leaving only two free seats in the middle of the theater.

They then allowed theater management to sell tickets for the last pair of tickets to several young couples.

What would you do?

Watch till the end .....

http://www.theinspiration.com/2011/09/carlsberg-stunt-in-cinema/












​

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[h=2]How to park in NYC for $23[/h]

His name was Bubba, he was from South Central Louisiana ..... and he needed a loan, so....... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from LSU, a highly sophisticated investor and Multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.

Your investments include first tier Oil & Gas holdings, hundreds of thousands of acres in 8 states, a large number of wind turbines around the country . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied,

"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those southern boys!



 
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