Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
 
"I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake; it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever." - Mitch Hedberg
 
A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."
 
The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?"

The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Way more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: Much more important.

Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"

Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
 
I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
 
A cop pulls a car over for speeding.

Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 90 zone?”

Driver: “ Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”

Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”

Driver: “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”

Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”

Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will scape!”

The cop, not believing in what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior!

At his arrival, the cop told the Sheriff all that. The Sheriff told he to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:

Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!”

Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”

Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?”

Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”

Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment”

Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”

Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”

Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you never know! That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else? That I was speeding too?”
 
An extremely rich and famous German sports star was carving up the roads one afternoon in a brand new Porsche. Passing on the right, speeding everywhere, he takes a blind corner at speed and plows into the back of a Trabant, sending them both spiraling into a ditch.

Both cars are demolished. The sports star hops out of the twisted wreckage of his Porsche, to see an elderly man climbing out of the Trabant with a jubilant smile on his face. The sports star asks the gentleman if he’s okay, if he’s in shock. The gentleman raises his arms and says “No! This is fantastic! Let’s celebrate! We’re both alive!” He opens what’s left of his Trabant’s door to see a box of Cuban cigars. “What a miracle! Such an impact, and my treasured cigars are okay! Let’s light them and celebrate our good luck!”

So the sports star and the gentleman light up, and smoke their cigars. The gentleman looks back inside, and sees his vintage bottle of Scotch and two glasses, and pulls them out. “A toast to us! Such a horrific accident and we made it through without a scratch!” He pours two very tall glasses of Scotch, and hands one to the sports star. They clink their glasses, and the sports star downs his.

He looks at the gentleman, standing there with a still-full glass. “Aren’t you having any?” he asks the gentleman. “Oh no, not until the police give you a breathalyzer.”
 
A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?” The young man replies, “A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?” “Sure,” replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!” Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says,

“You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !” The old man looks up and replies, “OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?”
 
One day a blonde comes up to a man’s door and asks him if he has any odd jobs. The man says “I’ll give you $50 to paint the porch out back.” The blonde goes to work and after 30 minutes, she comes back, and tells the man she is done. “Wow, that was fast,” the man says. The blonde replies, “yes, I know, but that wasn’t a porch. It was a Ferrari.”
 
A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies — the three passengers are wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

The officer replies, “Ma’am, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!” The old woman says, pointing to a sign next to the road.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that the sign was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
 
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I had an uncle who had the most bizarre fixation back in the day- he would drink brake fluid. Maybe back in those days it was less toxic than it is today, because he never expired of it, but we were always worried about him doing it.

I remember one time my dad told him that he was addicted and needed to cut it out, that it was bad for him.

My uncle replied “Nonsense, I can stop anytime.”
 
Dominick picks up his Fiat from his mechanic Tony. Tony says, “Dominick, you gotta think about trading this car in. It seems like it’s breakin’ down every other week. I love having you as a customer but this car is costing you a fortune.”

“Yeah, but look at it,” Dominick says. “It’s starting to rust, the tires are almost bald, and it’s got like 90,000 miles on it. Nobody’s gonna give me any money for a Fiat with 90,000 miles on it.”

“Tell you what I can do,” Tony says. “This is just between you and me, but I could roll back your odometer. That way you could maybe get at least a few hundred bucks for it.”

Dominick agrees and gives Tony $20 to roll back the odometer.

Two weeks later Dominick comes by and asks Tony to top off the oil on the Fiat. Tony looks at the car and says, “I thought you was gonna trade this car in. What are ya doin’ still driving it??”

“Trade it in??” says Dominick. “Are you nuts? This car’s only got 30,000 miles on it!”
 
Mid-80s, mired in quality issues and having its lunch eaten by the imports, Ford arranges a fact-finding tour of a Honda factory. After having the opportunity to observe various parts of the manufacturing process, the delegation finally makes its way to the final assembly line where they are taken aback by a strange sight: as finished cars roll off, a worker occasionally takes a newborn kitten out a box and puts it in a random car.

The tour guide explains: “We take quality extremely seriously. If we come in in the morning and the kittens are dead, well, the assembly is good; if they are alive we have sealing issues!”

6 month later, a GM delegation is invited to a Ford plant to observe the implementation of the Japanese best practices. As the tour is about wrap up, a similar scene unfolds: as the finish cars roll off, a worker tosses full-grown cats into random vehicles.

Tour guide proudly explains to the astonished GM delegation: “That’s one of the Japanese techniques. We take quality very seriously: if we come in the morning and cats are alive, job well done; if they are no longer in the car, we got sealing issues!”
 
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him non-stop.

From morning until night, she was always complaining and nagging about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule so he made sure he tried to plow as much as possible.

One day, he was out plowing when his wife brought him his lunch out to the field.

He drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a tree stump, and began to eat his lunch.

His wife then began nagging him again. Nag, nag, nag, it just went on and on.

Then suddenly, the mule lashed out with both back legs. He caught her smack in the back of the head killing her straight away.

At the funeral a few days later, the minister noticed something strange.

Whenever a woman mourner went to talk to the old farmer, he'd listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement.

But when a male mourner talked to him, he'd listen for a minute, then shake his head.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, he spoke to the farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
 
A young city couple are driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends one day.

They suddenly come to a muddy patch in the road and don't stop in time, so the car becomes bogged down and stuck.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they see a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen in front of him.

The young farmer stops when he sees the couple in trouble and offers to use the oxen to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepts and a few minutes later the car is free.

Afterward, the farmer says to the husband, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"

The young farmer says, "Oh no. Night is when I put the water in the hole."
 
An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond one day when he came across a frog.

He reached down, picked the frog up, and started to put it in his pocket.

As he did so, the frog said, "Kiss me on the lips and I'll turn into a beautiful farmers wife."

The old farmer carried on putting the frog in his pocket.

The frog said, "Didn't you hear what I said?"

The farmer looked at the frog and said, "At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
 
A farm boy accidentally overturned his tractor one day.

The farmer who lived on the next farm heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Joe, don't worry about it. Come in and have something to eat with us. I'll help you get the tractor up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Joe replied, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Joe thanked the neighbor for his hospitality and said, "I feel much better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be silly!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

Joe said, "Under the tractor."
 
The man couldn't avoid it and the rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the door bell.

When the farmer appeared, the man nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go and join the chickens that are around the back."
 
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