Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A New York City hipster moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

“That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied.

A week later the hipster was back again. “I need another 100 chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him.

“Yeah,” the hipster replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.”

“Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the hipster, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.”
 
Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Brien, did you tell the Police officer that you had never felt better in your life?'

O'Brien the old farmer: 'That's right, sir.'

Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr O'Brien, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'

O'Brien the farmer: 'When the Police arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.'
 
Tony and Luke, two brothers, were sitting in lawyers waiting room preparing themselves for the reading of their father's will.

The two began yet another session of bickering about which of them was the favorite son and it was getting into full flow when they were invited by by the lawyer into the office.

After a few preliminaries, including the disposal of a few small items to the cousins and old friends, the important bit came: who would inherit the farm, Tony or Luke?

The lawyer took a deep breath, looked at the eldest brother Tony and said, 'Well, Tony, the farm is yours.'

Tony turned to his brother, Luke and complained, 'See! I told you, Luke, you were the favorite.'
 
On a drive in the country, Roger, a city gent noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

'Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about,' said Roger, the city gent, 'but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?'

'Time?' answered the farmer. 'What's time to a pig?'
 
Got on a religious kick this morning. Must be Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman is amazed by a pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.

“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee.

“Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. The sight of her made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window.. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you.
 
Gofirstclass said:
Got on a religious kick this morning. Must be Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman is amazed by a pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.

“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee.

“Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. The sight of her made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window.. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you.
Click to expand...
True story here....when I was about 18 or 19 I worked at an auto parts store. It was me and my manager at the counter (he was a cool guy). A lady came in that was obviously not wearing a bra. She said her car battery was acting up. So I went to tell her I could check it for her....or test it for her. Well my words ended up getting combined....lol. Yep...I told her I could chest it for her. It was completely innocent and coincidental but when I came back in my manager busted out laughing
 
boatman37 said:
True story here....when I was about 18 or 19 I worked at an auto parts store. It was me and my manager at the counter (he was a cool guy). A lady came in that was obviously not wearing a bra. She said her car battery was acting up. So I went to tell her I could check it for her....or test it for her. Well my words ended up getting combined....lol. Yep...I told her I could chest it for her. It was completely innocent and coincidental but when I came back in my manager busted out laughing
Click to expand...

True story...

Pastor at church winding up his sermon. Really getting into his last point. On camera, the worship leader is standing behind him about to transition into the closing song. The Pastor gets to his last line and says (In error) "Let everything that has breasts give praise...". The worship leader cracks up behind him.
 
Another funny and true story... When I was in the USAF and stationed in Anchorage I worked part time in a sporting goods store, working behind the gun counter. It was a Saturday, the weekend before duck season opened and we were busier than hell. There was a crowd around the gun counter, all in good spirits because of the coming hunting season.

An attractive lady in her mid-30's came up to the counter and asked if we had duck straps. We were selling them like hot cakes. I reached behind me in the box we had at the counter and flopped one on the counter and told her the price.

She got all flustered and said "Well, how do these work?"
I told her that you hook one end to your belt, flop the head in through the metal ring and toss the whole thing over your shoulder.

She said "You must be confused, I'm looking for a jock strap for my son".

I don't know which of us was more embarrassed, me or the lady, but we certainly were the cause of a lot of laughter from all the duck hunters standing around the counter.

Here's what a duck strap looks like. Most of us know what the other one looks like.
shopping
 
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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
 
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ‘How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?’
‘Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.’
 
A boy asks his granny, “Have you seen my pills, they were labelled ‘LSD’?”
His granny replies, “Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?”
 
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
 
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
 
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
“Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”
Little BILLY replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
“Oh?” replied the man. ” Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
“No” replied Little Billy, “he minded his own f*****g business!!”
 
What is an Irish 7 course meal?
A six pack and a potato.

One day an Irishman walked out of a pub...
Hey, it could happen.

Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
A: There's one less drunk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Catherine was sitting at home when she got a knock on her door. When she answered the door, there was Seamus, her husband's work mate.

Seamus takes off his hat and holds it to his chest. He says "I'm sorry to have to tell ya Catherine, that your husband Conner died at work today."

Lord have mercy Seamus, how did it happen.

Well he drowned in a big vat of Guinness.

Did he go quickly?

Nah, he got out three times to pee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in Dublin is heading to the pub, when he sees an old drunk with a fishing pole out front with his line in a puddle.

Feeling sorry for the old man, he invites him inside and buys him a pint.

Just to humor the old man, he says "I wouldn't think that would be a good place for fishing. How many have you caught there?

"You make the fifth one today."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American and an Irishman decide to take their wives golfing so they could have a foursome. The wives start talking before the match and decide that to try to get some extra spending cash they would go pantyless and complain that they didn't have money to buy new panties.

They are on the seventh green when a wind whips up and blows the American wife's skirt up. Her husband exclaims "Carol, you aren't wearing any panties and are exposing the goods for anyone to see."
"I'm sorry Gerald, I didn't have any clean panties, and I just don't have the money to buy more pairs."

"My goodness, Carol. Here is $1000. After this game, I want you to go shopping and buy whatever you need."

They get up to the ninth green when another wind comes along and blows up the Irish woman's skirt. "Bejesus Molly, ye ain't got no panties on"
"I'm sorry Conner, but I didn't have any clean panties and I don't have enough money to buy more."

Conner pull out a comb and says "For the love of Jesus, at least smarten yourself up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy walks into a pub and there finds young Jameson who looks like he was hit by a truck. "Lord have mercy Jameson, what happened to ya?"
"Got into a fight Patrick O'Connor"
"Well it looks like he gave ya quite the beating. Did he do this bare fisted?"
"No Father, he had himself a bat in his hand."
"What did you have in your hand?"
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it is, but pretty useless in a fight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “Ye bloomin idiots, Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd.

Have you looked for the door?”

The Irishman replies “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom.

There’s a second door that goes into the closet.

And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man sits at the bar in an Irish pub and orders a Whiskey. Just then another man sits next to him and orders a whiskey and says: "Here's to the mother country of Ireland."
The first one says "Hey, I'm from Ireland too, I hail from Dublin. Let's drink to Dublin."
"Well, I'll be damned, I'm from Dublin too, where I went to St. Mary's high school. Let's drink to St. Mary's"
"I went to St. Mary's and had a crush on my English teacher, Miss Catherine"
"I had English with Miss Catherine. Let's drink to Miss Catherine."

Just then another patron walks is and asks what's going on.

"Not much, the O'leary twins are drunk again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sobbing Mrs Murphy approaches Father O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor said, "I'm sorry, Mr. Shanahan I just don't see anything wrong with you. I'm thinking now that it must be the drink."

"That's alright doc. I'm come back when you're sober.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A dog walks into a job center. ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a gig in the circus.’ ‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’
 
A police officer was sitting his car with his K9 partner in the back seat. A man walked over and asked, “Is that a dog in the back seat?” The officer said, “It sure is.” The man responded, “Wow, what did he do?”
 
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