Suggestions? (non boating)

dwna1a

dwna1a

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Apr 23, 2012
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Folks...I need some suggestions on how to get my 83yo father to give up his VA drivers licence. His driving is bad, he is going to kill himself or worse, someone else. His doctor can't help even though he has two brain anurisams and his eye sight is shot. I'm sick over having to do this. Are there any members that have been through this that might be able to give me some suggestions? VA DMV hasn't been much help.
 
DW, When is your Dad up for renewal ?.

We took Mom to the DMV for her renewal.
She failed her eye test and POOF her license was gone on the spot. :smt038
 
This may not be a PC suggestion but it definitely worked when we were trying to get my mom to stop driving. She had refused all our pleadings, beggings, beratings, etc. until one day I say down with her and was very blunt. Let me set the stage a bit. She was born and raised in MI. and grew up in a very racially prejudiced home and the "N" word was frequently coming out of her mouth. She hadn't had a drivers license since the 60's because she couldn't pass the vision test even with glasses. This was now in the 90's when I was talking with her, so she'd driven for 30+ years without a license.

What final got her to give up driving was this comment....

"You know Mom, if you get in an accident and hit someone, you're going to get sued. When they do, they'll own everything that you now own and you'll be forced out of your home to satisfy the legal obligations. How would you feel about having a black family living in your home and enjoying everything you've loved for many years?"

She got made mad at my comment but also realized what I was saying was true. We sold her car and she started taking taxi's everywhere she needed to go.
 
I feel for you.

There is no easy way, my wife and I have my parents, 87 & 83, and her Mum about 78 with Alzheimer's. We are basically it for both sets. My parents live down the coast 3 hours away, in a small town with little services, nearest shop, 2 miles and nearest supermarket, 5 miles, doctor 10 miles, etc etc.

My Dad's driving scared the crap out of me. The hardest thing, was they used to look after our daughter, and I basically said she could only stay with them if they didn't take her out anywhere.

He ended up handing his licence up voluntarily, it was only after that, that I got the full story. I knew he had panicked one day and ended up driving into the side of the house. But Apparantley after that he hit a car at the shopping center. Then a couple of weeks later at the same centre, pulled into a car park, went to get out of the car, and had not taken it out if drive, or put the handbrake on, went into the back of the car in front.

He scared himself that he might of killed someone, so cancelled his licence that week.

My mum, we were driving into town one day, and she said she was thinking of cancelling her licence, I took her straight to the motor registry and did it. She had not driven for 30 years, was scared stiff in a car, ANC a couple of weeks earlier had asked me if I would go down and sit in the car with her whilst she went around the block. I had refused.......there's not that much scotch in the world.

The mother in law, well she passed out on the floor, and was down for 36 hours before found. Mini strokes and blackouts. So her doctor took her licence off her.

I was preparing myself for the conversation, it was not going to focus on them, it was going to focus on the family in the other they may hit. I knew I wouldn't be forgiven, but I was going to have to do it. I was saved.

It isn't easy, and all three of them constantly still say, I just wish I still had a car.

I have never forgotten the words of a police commissioner, it changed my view on my licence.

He said, people think their licence is a right, it's not, it's a privilege.

Good luck, try and do it with love and caring, but no matter how you do, be prepared for the guilt, but stay strong as to why you are doing it.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
I feel for you...we are in the early stages of dealing with the same with my father. The only thought I can throw in here is to ask if there is a trusted family doctor who could help you convey the message. Sometimes these things are more palatable coming from a non family member.
 
Here's a start.

http://granddriver.net/

His physician should have a direct input to this.

Are discounted cab fares available in the area?

Where I live, there are a few airport shuttle type busses the city runs just for seniors.

I'll keep wringing my brain. I know I will be doing this with my Mom in the future.
 
A couple years before my Dad passed in 2010 we had similar experience. My Mom suggested he take a driving awareness test, a voluntary exercise, by some program here in State of MD. What they didn't tell My Mom or Dad was that of they fail they had to notify the DMV. Now here we are telling Dad who has been traveling salesman all his life, Ex Marine, Father, Granddad, etc that DMV was taking his license away and it all stemmed from the suggestion from Mom that he go to this voluntary class........ These were not happy days, weeks, or months and he fought the crap out of it and the system. The fact that he could not drive was giving up his independence. Something he had and worked for his whole life. I get it! I don't look forward to it when I go thru it. But once he hit that curb on a street he traveled everyday of his life with Mom in the car, and she refused to ever get in car with him again....that's when he handed over the keys... and the license never renewed.... I feel for ya. This will not be easy..
 
I went through this with my Dad a few years ago. Most of my talking fell on deaf ears, but his doctor finally got through to him when I was with him at an appointment. The doctor said something to him like "Joe, you're old and have lived a good life and you know your time is numbered on earth, so if you get in an accident and kill yourself, that is sad, but not cheating you of too much. I would be sad that you died, but would realize that you lived a full life. But, if you get in that same accident and hurt or kill any of my family, now I'm really pissed off, because it could have been avoided if you had stopped driving, which you know you should. You can't control which accident you're going to get into no matter how much you would like to think you can." Somehow, that did the trick for him and he stopped driving after that.

On a side note, I've learned of this organization which is dedicated to providing transportation to older people nationwide. They're trying to add new chapters all the time,and might benefit some of you.

http://www.itnamerica.org/

Mike
 
I guess I'm somewhat lucky, my step mom will be his driver in and around Hampton. We talked to his doc he said he can't help us. I'm going to DMV next week to seek their help. Dad hasn't hit anyone yet but he has run into the ditch out front here and hit many curbs. He has had many mini strokes. He's going to kill someone. I wish it was as simple as just taking the keys, but it's not

Just one addition, this man started out in the USAF working on Mustangs then onto Saber's, rebuilding one of his own birds for Hampton Air and Space when no one else could, and ended his working life being one of only four simulator engineers at NASA...stopping him from driving a car is going to be hell
 
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Google this:

Can a doctor force a patient to surrender a driver license in Virginia?

It's a roundabout way of doing things but some of what you find may be of assistance. What I saw said the Doc could not take the DL away, but could be instrumental in its suspension via DMV because of impairments that may cause harm to others.
 
Been through this. Talking never worked although we tried various persuasive arguments (moved it because cars were being stolen, sidewalk cleaning truck coming in the morning,etc.) Gave him a fake key once which really pissed him off (tpold him his door lock must've broken.) We took the keys away and tried the best we could to alleviate his concerns. Eventually he forgot about the car (we sold it long before then). Good luck. The most important thing is to make sure she doesn't drive. Lying and arguing are a better option albeit no fun at all.
 
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