Son wants to use the boat

C

Captain Quest

New Member
Jul 25, 2011
55
Ontario
Boat Info
1989 Sea Ray
Engines
Twin
I am really agonizing over this one. We have had our 340 Cruiser for about three weeks, (common law wife & myself). We invited my two children this past Sunday for a bbq diner at the marina & a trip out on Lake Ont in the afternoon. Needless to say they fell in love with the boat. During the course of the afternoon my son asked if he could use the boat sometimes & take a couple of his friends out on it. I immediately answered no & explained that I am not comfortable with that.

My son is 30, a licenced auto mechanic, responsible in many ways, has his boat operators licence, (he got it at a boat show before the more stringent test came in). He has very little boating experience, enjoys a few beers (as his buddies also do) & my mind went into instant overload when he asked me. I presented a few reasons why e.g. insurance, what happens if......accident, breakdown, alcohol related incidents, how much onus is really on me & the list goes on. He replied with offers to repair & maintain the boat, to pay for any gas they use etc

My answer was still no as I am only comfortable with me being on board when the boat is moving. He approached his Mother (my ex wife) on the issue saying that my reluctance to let him use the boat is disappointing & unreasonable. She now tackles me on the issue saying that I am being selfish & unfair & that he will take an interest in the boat as in looking after it & repairing it etc.

I responded with some other ingredients.....my now partner also has two children of similar ages & there is my own daughter. What ever you do for one child you do for all of them so they all feel treated equally. I explained to her that I would have to give all four a set of keys so they could share the usage between them meanwhile I am paying for the boat, insurance, slip fees, winterizing, storage etc & will likely never get to use it as everyone else will be

My son & I have always had a great relationship but this has already put a wedge between us & caused & little rockiness between the ex & myself (I have tried hard to maintain good relations as we have children in common)

I am at the point of not wanting to keep the boat simply because of what has happened. Sorry for the long post, wondering if any of you have run into a similar circumstance & how you dealt with it

All input would be appreciated
 
Having done the long learning curve on large boat handling my concern would be can your son handle this boat (docking, etc.). It takes plenty of practice. Try him out and see if he can work this boat and then decide.
 
Your concerns are all correct (IMO) but what comes to my mind is the value of your relationship with your son. He is more important than a scratch (or worse) on the boat. It's just a thing. So consider completely reversing your approach and making the boat something that brings the two of you closer together. Boating does that. How many thirty somethings out there have a real common interest and look forward to sharing time/hobbies with their Dad? Its a gift. By all means, establish some rules/guidelines and work together to bring his skills up to par. Let him know that you need that so you feel comfortable about his safety. As to the other siblings, most of them will likely not be interested. If so, your son's level of interest, investment is learning docking etc will make it clear why he can and they cannot. Good luck.
 
I'm a son that grew up on the water on Dad's boats. He started off by letting me steer in the lake and that turned into one day letting me dock the boat. All these years I took an honest interest in boating and tried to better my skills in all departments. He allowed me to start taking buddies to a local bar on the water on the weekends. When I look back at just that basic idea I don't know how the hell he could trust me going there. He knows I'm careful but crap happens! Luckily it never did and there were plenty of opportunities. I always returned the boat back to better than I left condition. I know I could never entertain the idea of letting a son of mine take my boat no matter how careful I thought he was! Today's world of lawsuit happy people I'd be careful. Again, anything can happen no matter how careful.
 
Tough one. Does he have anything of equal value you could ask to borrow, (Prize corvette?) I see come kids at the local tiki bar piers on these high dollar yachts, and cring at the thought of that being my boat. I say this, while my stepdaughter has been borrowing my car since July 4th when she totaled hers. I don't mind loaning out my car, but the thought of someone using my boat, NO WAY! Bottom line, its your boat, you paid for it.
 
You had the discussion with your son, he presented his case, you presented your reasons for refusing.
This should be the end of discussion as far as your adult son's available options.
His attempt to influence you by having your ex apply "pressure" is more characteristic of young children trying to play parents against each other.
IMHO, a supportive ex-spouse would have said something like "It's your father's boat, therefore his decision, take it up with him".

I would stand my ground.
I would respond to any further attempts by the ex to inflict emotional blackmail with something like "Unless you share the payments/responsibilities, you have no say in the use".
I would inform my son that this is a matter between the 2 of us, and no one else.

I would also make it clear to all my kids they are welcome any time as passengers/guests on my boat.

Good luck and enjoy what you have earned.
 
I have the reverse problem. My dad wants to borrow my boat. I said NO WAY. He wanted to dock the boat... NO WAY. I let him steer the boat for a couple of hours, that was it. He was upset, I told him now he knows what it felt like when I was 16, get over it.
 
I was in the same boat, I told my son he was welcome aboard anytime I was taking it out.

We as owners have a lot of time and money invested in these boats, it's not fair or right for someone else to think we "owe" them the use of it. They should be happy we take them along when we use the boat.

Anything short of that I would tell them to grow up.

I have offered to let him use the jet boat when we take out the sundancer. If I'm out to unload and load the boat I don't worry about it. He's been running the boat on the lake since he was old enough to reach the steering wheel in my lap. Gee, that was back in 1990.

I trust him completley and we have worked on the jet boat together for years. I still wouldn't cut him loose with it anytime he wanted to go. It's still my boat and my responsibility.

I wouldn't just take something someone else owned no matter who it was.
 
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Not a chance I let this happen until I have gone on several trips with him to see what his skill set is.

Can you imagine him trying to dock a boat for the first time after a long day out with his friends (and perhaps they had a few drinks), the music blasting...etc.

You need to set MANY ground rules but not until after you have gone out with him a few times and show him some tricks of the trade.

This isnt meant to treat him like a baby, since afterall he is 30, but you have a lot of skin in the game and need to make sure you are minimizing your risk.
 
I don't have kids but. I have a bunch of friends that may as well be and my answer is a stern NO!
I tell them, Feelings get hurt and over time will resolve them selves. Boats sink to the bottom and stay there.

My boat, My money, My hard Work, My call, I am the captain now set down and shut the H up about it!
 
Just give him the boat with empty tanks. he'll get to the fuel dock and probably won't have enough cash in his pocket to go very far.
 
Probably the best way to explain it to them would be to say:

"Buy your own boat then you'll understand"
 
He's 30 years old so he should be able to understand no when he hears it and not act immaturely about it. I'd say no. Later on, if you have greater confidence in his maturity, as evidenced by his reaction to being told no, and how he handles the boat and his drinking, you can reconsider, but until then, no. Good luck, I know this is difficult.
 
Turtlesboat said:
Just give him the boat with empty tanks. he'll get to the fuel dock and probably won't have enough cash in his pocket to go very far.
Click to expand...
That is a good Idea but they they will just put a few gallons in and run out 5 miles off shore. LOL Back to the point.
 
I have to agree with the majority here.
I also have a few boys about the same age. In the past they have ended the day on our older /first boat without us.
We have since upgraded to a newer more expensive model & they are happy to enjoy the day with us. They have the best of both; Great day wakeboarding, free lunch, and the ****heads don't pay a penny usually. I do insist that they prep the boat & also help with post clean up and unloading. Overall it's well worth the expense to have a great family day with the kids.
 
Based on my insurance you nead a real boating course (Power Squadran or equivalent) or the insurance does not cover the boat not the one you get at a boat show to drive our boat unattended. Call your insurance and see what they say, if they require a real course you have a solution. If he really wants to drive it a real course would help you relax.
 
If it was not for my dad trusting me with a 14 foot whaler, a 21 foot chris craft, a 28 foot searay, a 34 searay, etc.........I would not be in boating......With that said, I had to earn his trust and show him I am a capable captain in terms of pre departure check lists, fueling the boat, navigation, NO drinking and boat handleing......Boating is the one activity that brings our family together.....He is old enough to earn and show you his abilities and decision making. Let him take you for a few cruises and you just watch with pride...
 
I am sorry you're immature son put you in this position. At 30 years old- if he wants to boat then he should go buy one. Its one thing if he has been a regular user with you and knows the ins and outs of the boat and boat ownership, but he spent one afternoon on it and he wants dibs on your pride and joy? Nope. I bought my own boat as soon as I could afford it. My brother and I went in on it together and I have since bought him out. I too learned the love of the water from my parents who wold let me take the tiller of our first fishing boat while I was sitting on their lap. It was always their boat and their rules. If I wanted to use THEIR boat it was with their permission. I can tell you that I am a much better boat driver then my father- Even with his twin engine boat! But if I ever wanted to take out his boat I would have to ask his permission. I would never cry to my mother to try to change his mind.

Again you have been put into a crappy position. Its your boat- your rules. If you aren't comfortable with your son or anyone else using your boat then so be it. They need to respect your decision.
 
The boat the size of yours is not a toy. Taking buddies for a ride is trouble brewing. If your son wanted to take the wife and children out, I would teach him how to be safe with his family and the boat. A 340 or my 270 is not a toy to play with to impress friends. It's like driving a tractor trailer vs. a car. Multiple engines is also an issue that training is required for docking. My 22 year old son enjoys boating but does not have the passion and experience I had at 22 years old. I grew up on the water and had my own boat at 10 years old (rowboat). At 13 I was running our 16ft w 65hp by myself. At 15 I was allowed to take friends skiing but I did all the work to take care of the boat and motor. I kept the boat spotless so my Dad and Mom knew I respected it....never a problem. My son, daughter (19) and wife like to boat and drive but ask me to do the docking. I'm good with that and we spend family time on the boat. My wife has taken friends for rides but I'm at the dock to help her dock. She also follows the gps tracks so she knows where she can go without me. We are only on a river but do have traffic. Running on plane when the channel is busy is a huge responsibility.....5 tons does not stop like a 16ft runabout. Your Ex has nothing to say about your boat or decision IMHO. If you son whines to her, he's not mature enough to run your boat alone with friends. As an adult, he should buy his own boat and take care of it like you do if he want's to enjoy the rewards of boating. Sharing boat usage never works out....he'll get it dirty and you'll clean it up. Not the way I was raised, Mike.
 
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Another thought. If saying a flat no isn't something you want to do, and I'd understand that (who wants to completely cut their son out of something?), one other option is to set a series of requirements he has to meet:

1. He must have financial skin in the game, so he has to put on deposit with you the deductible on your insurance, and/or make the monthly payment on your insurance. This way, he knows if he screws up, it will cost him dearly. I've seen many people become real sober citizens once they have money at risk.

2. He must take and pass one of the more stringent boating courses available in your area. Such as a USCG or US Powerboating course.

3. He must take out a personal liability insurance umbrella policy and name you as one of the insureds. If he and his buddies hit something or someone, you need to be protected. These aren't that expensive and if he really wants to go boating, he'd have no problem doing this.

4. Lastly, he has to learn how to handle the boat and demonstrate to your satisfaction that he can do this.
 
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