Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em
- Thread starter The Bill Collector
- Start date
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
*********
This ***** looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
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Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
*********
This ***** looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
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S
Summer Fun II
Guest
^^^. :smt043 .^^^.
BritLady
Active Member
- Jul 30, 2011
- 2,424
- Boat Info
- 2006 - 340 SeaRay Sundancer, Garmin 840XS GPS & Garmin 7401XS GPS
2019- Zodiac 300 RIB Dink 10'- 5"
- Engines
- Inboard 8.1 Horizon Mercruiser & 2015 6HP Tohatsu O/B.
CLEVER JURY!
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client
would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you
have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and
I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied:
"Yes, we did look, But your client didn't."
Steve S
Well-Known Member
- Jun 5, 2007
- 3,144
- Boat Info
- 2000 400 Sedan Bridge with twin CAT 3116's
2000 340 Sundancer - SOLD!
210 Monaco 1987 - SOLD!
- Engines
- Twin Caterpillar 3116's 350 HP straight drives
Chris Nowell
Active Member
- Nov 28, 2011
- 1,520
- Boat Info
- '05 622 Hardtop w Alaska Bulkhead, 270 Mercury Marine sport inflatable, pulled by a 6.0L Silverado
- Engines
- 4.3 MPI Merc w Alpha I drive, 5 hp 4 stroke Merc aux.
GHOST SEX
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in
ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those, who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever
made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us
what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "sh!t, from way back there I thought you said goats."
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in
ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those, who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever
made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us
what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "sh!t, from way back there I thought you said goats."
Last edited:
wish2fish
Active Member
What do fat girls and scooters have in common? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
I have travelled to China a lot over the last few years and am quite accustomed to this misinterpretation of English.
Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
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Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
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Gofirstclass
Well-Known Member
This is either a VERY old boat or this is a VERY busy boater....
Chris Nowell
Active Member
- Nov 28, 2011
- 1,520
- Boat Info
- '05 622 Hardtop w Alaska Bulkhead, 270 Mercury Marine sport inflatable, pulled by a 6.0L Silverado
- Engines
- 4.3 MPI Merc w Alpha I drive, 5 hp 4 stroke Merc aux.
This is either a VERY old boat or this is a VERY busy boater....
Naw,,, I bet the poor guy just has trouble making a commitment. OR,,,, he moves in with them BEFORE they see his boat!!!!! He probably shouldn't be backing it into the slip. He also might consider applying the names with a "dry erase" pen.
- Oct 31, 2009
- 3,455
- Boat Info
- 1992 370 ec
- Engines
- twin cummins 6bta's 300 hp
Rl80 pathfinder radar/chartplotter,SH 2150 matrix vhf w/ais
quicksilver 8
He probably has a hard time keeping it in the slip.
Trucky
New Member
- Jun 26, 2011
- 380
- Boat Info
- 1999 210SD SunDeck / 2002 Ford F250 CC Lariat 4X4, slightly tweaked 7.3L
- Engines
- 5.0 Mercruiser220hp/Alpha I
Is this what happens when you fail to properly pack the shaft?
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
This is either a VERY old boat or this is a VERY busy boater....
There's a young guy with a 35 riviera, 2 boats up from me, wouldn't have a wide enough beam to do that. Never seem the same girl on it twice
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Chris Nowell
Active Member
- Nov 28, 2011
- 1,520
- Boat Info
- '05 622 Hardtop w Alaska Bulkhead, 270 Mercury Marine sport inflatable, pulled by a 6.0L Silverado
- Engines
- 4.3 MPI Merc w Alpha I drive, 5 hp 4 stroke Merc aux.
Bet none o' those girls had a very wide beam though :grin:
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
You are correct, I just shake my head every time he goes out. Seriously, I've seen him there on Friday, Saturday and Sunday with a different one each time
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IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
GRANDPARENT'S ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning ..... At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theater, start talking ... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"
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Good morning ..... At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theater, start talking ... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On aBirthing Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully.
We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On aBirthing Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully.
We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F you'.
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least...
The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex. * You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
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The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F you'.
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least...
The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex. * You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Chris Nowell
Active Member
- Nov 28, 2011
- 1,520
- Boat Info
- '05 622 Hardtop w Alaska Bulkhead, 270 Mercury Marine sport inflatable, pulled by a 6.0L Silverado
- Engines
- 4.3 MPI Merc w Alpha I drive, 5 hp 4 stroke Merc aux.
Wayne and Mike were the best of friends and annually spent two weeks together camping in the wilderness.
A week into last year's trip, for some reason, they started to get on each other's nerves and decided that a short break from each other was in order.
They agreed that for one day each would hike off in opposite directions for some personal time out.
When they both returned to the camp site that evening they took turns relaying their personal adventures to each other.
Mike said that he hiked north, over the bluff, and came upon a meadow that was full of wild flowers. He spent the day lying in the meadow reflecting on life and everything that he had to be gratefull for. He told Wayne that he needed that time out and he was glad of what they did.
Wayne stated that he had hiked south, along the ridge and down into the valley below, and came upon a set of railway tracks. As he followed the tracks he spotted a woman tied to them. He explained in vivid detail how he untied her and made love to her right there on the tracks. Then he made love to her again in the gulley beside the tracks and again in the adjacent feild before he left to return to camp.
Mike, being the good friend he was, told Wayne that he was very happy for him and asked if the woman was good looking.
To which Wayne relied,
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"I don't know, I couldn't find her head".
A week into last year's trip, for some reason, they started to get on each other's nerves and decided that a short break from each other was in order.
They agreed that for one day each would hike off in opposite directions for some personal time out.
When they both returned to the camp site that evening they took turns relaying their personal adventures to each other.
Mike said that he hiked north, over the bluff, and came upon a meadow that was full of wild flowers. He spent the day lying in the meadow reflecting on life and everything that he had to be gratefull for. He told Wayne that he needed that time out and he was glad of what they did.
Wayne stated that he had hiked south, along the ridge and down into the valley below, and came upon a set of railway tracks. As he followed the tracks he spotted a woman tied to them. He explained in vivid detail how he untied her and made love to her right there on the tracks. Then he made love to her again in the gulley beside the tracks and again in the adjacent feild before he left to return to camp.
Mike, being the good friend he was, told Wayne that he was very happy for him and asked if the woman was good looking.
To which Wayne relied,
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"I don't know, I couldn't find her head".
Last edited:
