IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
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Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em
- Thread starter The Bill Collector
- Start date
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
[FONT="]We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the n[/FONT][FONT="]ight[/FONT][FONT="], so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, saying 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not **** in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.[/FONT]
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the n[/FONT][FONT="]ight[/FONT][FONT="], so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, saying 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not **** in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
[FONT="]A man is driving down a deserted[/FONT]
[FONT="]stretch of highway[/FONT]
[FONT="]when he notices a sign[/FONT]
[FONT="]out of the corner of his eye...[/FONT]
[FONT="]It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
[/FONT]10 MILES
[FONT="]He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
[/FONT]NEXT RIGHT
[FONT="]His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you! my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY[/FONT]
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
[/FONT]10 MILES
[FONT="]He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
[/FONT]NEXT RIGHT
[FONT="]His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you! my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY[/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT="]SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER[/FONT]
Trucky
New Member
- Jun 26, 2011
- 380
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- 1999 210SD SunDeck / 2002 Ford F250 CC Lariat 4X4, slightly tweaked 7.3L
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- 5.0 Mercruiser220hp/Alpha I
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
boltman
Active Member
- Dec 28, 2005
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Omg I can't stop laughing the Sarah palin one is killin me
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Air O'Nautical
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- Feb 5, 2008
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Hurth straight shaft 630's,
Westerbeke 7.0 BCG
S
Summer Fun II
Guest
Mark, That was funny. :smt043
Chris Nowell
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- Nov 28, 2011
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- '05 622 Hardtop w Alaska Bulkhead, 270 Mercury Marine sport inflatable, pulled by a 6.0L Silverado
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Affordable pool for retirees now on sale at Home Depot;
MonacoMike
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8.2 Mercs
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260hp Alpha 1
First, it was a ripoff that was done by the "Love Brothers" on Bob and Tom radio. This is much funnier to me.
[video=youtube;NxMl4ZXNqDc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=NxMl4ZXNqDc[/video]
Second, is it appropriate to use young children in such an adult skit? Not to me...
MM
Last edited:
Chris Nowell
Active Member
- Nov 28, 2011
- 1,520
- Boat Info
- '05 622 Hardtop w Alaska Bulkhead, 270 Mercury Marine sport inflatable, pulled by a 6.0L Silverado
- Engines
- 4.3 MPI Merc w Alpha I drive, 5 hp 4 stroke Merc aux.
SOMETHING FOR YOU TO LEARN EVERYDAY
In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, his supporters have proven to
be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
The survey was carried out for Democrats by a leading soap and toiletries firm.
The results revealed that 86% of Obama supporters said that they have had sex in the shower.
The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings tears to your eyes..
In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, his supporters have proven to
be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
The survey was carried out for Democrats by a leading soap and toiletries firm.
The results revealed that 86% of Obama supporters said that they have had sex in the shower.
The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings tears to your eyes..
CONFESSIONAL BOX
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
A Cowboy and an Indian on the range....
Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief!)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement!!)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."
Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief!)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement!!)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."
Chris Nowell
Active Member
- Nov 28, 2011
- 1,520
- Boat Info
- '05 622 Hardtop w Alaska Bulkhead, 270 Mercury Marine sport inflatable, pulled by a 6.0L Silverado
- Engines
- 4.3 MPI Merc w Alpha I drive, 5 hp 4 stroke Merc aux.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The old fellow in the big cowboy hat got a standing ovation
The Sierra Club and the U S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here.
These coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep;
They're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never really got back to order.
The old fellow in the big cowboy hat got a standing ovation
The Sierra Club and the U S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here.
These coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep;
They're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never really got back to order.
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
BritLady
Active Member
- Jul 30, 2011
- 2,424
- Boat Info
- 2006 - 340 SeaRay Sundancer, Garmin 840XS GPS & Garmin 7401XS GPS
2019- Zodiac 300 RIB Dink 10'- 5"
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PUNOGRAPHY · I tried to catch some fog. I mist. · When chemists die, they barium. · Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. · A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. · I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. · How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. · I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. · This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. · I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. · I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. · They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. · This dyslexic man walks into a bra . · PMS jokes aren't funny, period. · I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. · A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils. · When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. · What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. · I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! · Broken pencils are pointless. · What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. · England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . · I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. · I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. · All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on. · I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. · Velcro - what a rip off! * Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. |
Chris Nowell
Active Member
- Nov 28, 2011
- 1,520
- Boat Info
- '05 622 Hardtop w Alaska Bulkhead, 270 Mercury Marine sport inflatable, pulled by a 6.0L Silverado
- Engines
- 4.3 MPI Merc w Alpha I drive, 5 hp 4 stroke Merc aux.
Spare a thought for the guy who told his wife that he was going on a business trip to China aboard that ill-fated Malaysian flight MH 370, and now can't leave his girl friend's apartment!
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
Chris........ssshhhhhhhhhhhhh, I fly Cathay to China anyway
IanBat
New Member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2,297
- Boat Info
- Pro Tournament 36' 1999
- Engines
- Twin Cummins 5.9L 370hp B Series
A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied:
"When white fella found the land, black fellas were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty kangaroo,
Plenty fish,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."
Then the elder leaned back and smiled: "Only white fella bloody stupid Enough to think he could improve a system like that."
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied:
"When white fella found the land, black fellas were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty kangaroo,
Plenty fish,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."
Then the elder leaned back and smiled: "Only white fella bloody stupid Enough to think he could improve a system like that."
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Chris Nowell
Active Member
- Nov 28, 2011
- 1,520
- Boat Info
- '05 622 Hardtop w Alaska Bulkhead, 270 Mercury Marine sport inflatable, pulled by a 6.0L Silverado
- Engines
- 4.3 MPI Merc w Alpha I drive, 5 hp 4 stroke Merc aux.
IanBat;746708 No taxes said:
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary, and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly-tailored black suit. The mortician asks the wife of the deceased how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man looks quite good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day, and to her delight, she finds her husband’s body dressed in a handsome blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever the cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he replies.
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she insists.
“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician confesses, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice, so I just switched the heads.”
The woman returns the next day, and to her delight, she finds her husband’s body dressed in a handsome blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever the cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he replies.
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she insists.
“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician confesses, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice, so I just switched the heads.”
