Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Re: Tax Return Audit

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."
 
Re: Tax Return Audit

[FONT=&quot]This morning, the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Pakistan Minister of Immigration[/FONT][FONT=&quot], Mohammed Omar Upperkhan, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]warned [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Australia[/FONT][FONT=&quot] to cease all [/FONT][FONT=&quot]military activities[/FONT][FONT=&quot] in Afghanistan.
He stated that if it does not stop [/FONT][FONT=&quot]immediately[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Pakistan authorities [/FONT][FONT=&quot]will cut[/FONT][FONT=&quot] off Australia's supply of [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Cab Drivers[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and if this action does not yield sufficient results, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Telstra Customer[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Service Reps will be next, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]followed by[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Centrelink Officers, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Telemarketers,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Supermarket trolley collectors and finally, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Queensland Doctors[/FONT]
 
Re: Tax Return Audit

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"This is a government job", the interviewer says.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
Re: Tax Return Audit

[FONT=&quot]A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Vicar, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The Vicar said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Vicar said, 'No ****?'[/FONT]
 
Re: Tax Return Audit

[FONT=&quot]Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

[/FONT]
 
Re: Tax Return Audit

[FONT=&quot]One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

[/FONT]
 
Superman was flying around one day.

He decided to fly by wonder woman house where he found her naked and seeming wanting.

So he flew in like only superman could, did he thing and was gone. Superman is a jerk that way.

Next wonder woman jumps up saying what the f was that... And the invisible man says, i don't know but my ass is killing me.
 
[FONT=&quot]We had a[/FONT][FONT=&quot]n[/FONT][FONT=&quot] outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She seems like a nice person[/FONT]
 
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Erie Pennsylvania were listening to the radio during breakfast.







They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.







You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".







So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.







A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,







"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."







The good wife went out and moved her car again.







The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio







Announcer says,







"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.







You must park. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "







Then the power went off. . . . . . . .!







The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.







Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"







Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice the men who are married , (and those with gray hair) always exhibit, the husband replied,







"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
 
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.

Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT *****!"
























Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."




Passenger: "Who?"




Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."




Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."




Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.

He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.

He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star.

And you should have heard him play the piano!
He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."


Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to
order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not
like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank
Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the
wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished
too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake!
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank.
He died, and I married his wife."

​








​









​
 
Re: Tax Return Audit

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
 
Re: Tax Return Audit

Hope I did this right.(I hate being computer retarded,,, or should I say "technologically challenged) This was on the A/R girl's door to her office yesterday.

image0022.jpg
 
Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest *****, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach, a jet to travel all over Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card...and bang her three times a day".

He sat down with a big self-satisfied smile.

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks:

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I thought I wanted to be a nurse...but, **** that -- I want to be Johnny's *****."




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
Re: Tax Return Audit

This is too awful not to share with you all. It was titled "Still Married?" and was sent to us from the same A/R lady who hates the math problems;



I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.

It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

*****

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

*****

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

****

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as my wife likes to call it.

*****

After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!

*******

I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

*********************************************

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

************************************************************

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!"

As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay!"

Might be a wee bit outta line here. Sorry about this guys an' gals.:smt018
 
WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon, Texas ...

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging all over town about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull****”.
 
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'
 
Irish Sugar Test

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket
and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon . He pours
some onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist . " Could you taste
this for me , please ? "
The chemist takes the teaspoon , puts it in his mouth , swills the
liquid around and swallows it .
" Does that taste sweet to you ? " , says Paddy ? ?
" No , not at all " , says the chemist .
" Oh , that's a relief " , says Paddy . " The doctor told me to come
here and get my urine tested for sugar ! ! ! "
Uh Huh ! ! !
 
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob... "But me'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
A QUEENSLAND man has reacted to a deadly snake bite in the most Australian way

Rod Sommerville, 54, thought he was going to “cark it” (die) last month when he was nipped on the finger by an eastern brown snake while moving pot plants around his backyard.

The Yeppoon man smacked the backyard dweller on the head with a shovel and called for an ambulance.

Then he grabbed a XXXX Gold (beer) from the fridge and sat down, because “if you panic if you make it worse”, the Rockhampton Morning Bulletin reports.

The newspaper reported that Mr Somerville did not wake his teenage son, who was snoozing on the couch, because he didn’t want to a cause a scene.
“I said to myself, if I’m going to cark it I’m going to have a beer,” he told the newspaper. So I got a Goldie out of the fridge and drank that.”

He was whisked to hospital for treatment but his ordeal spiralled further when he suffered an allergic reaction to the antivenom.

“The reaction nearly killed me as well, so it was a double whammy,” he said.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Forum statistics

Threads
113,262
Messages
1,429,606
Members
61,139
Latest member
howetyr
Back
Top