Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Military Differences:

Marine Corps Rules:

01. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
02. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
03. Have a plan.
04. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
05. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
06. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
07. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap, life is expensive.
08. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
09. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.


US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

Navy SEAL Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.


US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:

01. Have a cocktail.
02. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
03. See what's on HBO.
04. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
05. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
06. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
07. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
08. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
09. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
 
In regards to the above joke....

When I was in the Army, we always said that the day it got down to close combat warfare with the Airforce........all was lost


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In the original native culture of Thailand,
when males reached the age of 18, they had
to participate in the following community
ceremony:
They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle,
feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked
girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.
She places a blob of honey and various crushed
sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and
insects.
(This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.)
A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked
girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center
of the circle.
As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the
kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the
erect penises downwards as much as they can and
then, on a given signal from the central dancer,
release them.
The men's penises would then spring back up and go
"WHAP!" against their bellies.
This exercise was a measurement of the strength of
their masculinity .... the man who killed the most flies
was elected to the court of the King.
And that, folks, is why the current capital of Thailand
came to be named Bangkok!


I tried to check this out on Snopes and they said
I was a pervert!


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A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them,
they could ride their bikes and that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later,the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was
agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided
they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if
they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age,the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word
is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The ****in' funeral director would be my first guess.'

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?”

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"

This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honor! This American needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

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A new study has shown that Women with large backsides

Live far longer

Than Men who mention it!
 
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
 
Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning
 
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his johnson around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"
 
Now THAT is funny. That's kind of the same thing Peyton was saying as he walked that final walk through the tunnel to the locker room.
 
:DEATH OF THE OLD COW


Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a Limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a stop.


The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur "You get out and check on that poor cow--you were driving." So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.



Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there" Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.



"My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman.



The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter offered to make love to me."



"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.



Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."



Don't You just love a story with a happy ending.
 
Priest and a Rabbi


A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,



"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"



The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."



The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"



To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."



The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"



The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."



The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"



The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."



The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.



Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the **** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
 
These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, "Did you notice how small the rich kid's johnsons were?" "Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" He said you're going to die," she replied
 
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