Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

The Picture That Will Stay With Her The Rest Of Her Life.

Make-up and Hair style.............$500.00 New Dress for the show............$700.00
Giant Stuffed Bear......................$300.00

Not knowing how to hold the bear and a microphone.........priceless

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> *We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with
> the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.*
> * I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.
> Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. * *He said the bull was very
> healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him
> once per day. * *Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two
> days.*
> * All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's
> cows! * *He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a
> machine! *
> **
> * I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they
> kinda taste like peppermint.*
> **
 
[h=5]Janice found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took her to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Janice that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Janice went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Janice said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Janice replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, in that case, stay off your bicycle for about a week.[/h]
 
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses
 
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
 
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD .... Get your own f*****n blanket!!!
 
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night,
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big
hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired..
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had j ust got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back
and started hammering away."The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a
sad glance and said,"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"


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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday".



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As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're f&$&$&$g bad luck."



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A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]"Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy
in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife
telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and
guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy
in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done.

I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is
something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and
find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got
your E-mail!"
 
I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I had
lost 10 lbs. as promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you
catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape
and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same
routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I
have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to go for broke and calls
the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find a huge
muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week.

Signed,

Skinny Hugo



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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was getting a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this might be a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Tom said, 'Yep ! . . . She's pregnant too.'

-


Don't ever underestimate old guys.
 
A young guy from South Australia moves to Sydney and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in South Aussie."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd
give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and
see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came
down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to
20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue
your employment here.

We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Sydney.

One sale a day might have been acceptable in Adelaide,
but you're not in the mines anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes,
so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.

He asked (semi-sarcastically),
"So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?
What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him
a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to the automotive department and
sold him that 4x4 Hi-Lux."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife,
and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

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[FONT=&quot]Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]the night together in a hotel room and Donald[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]wanted to have sex with Daisy.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]a condom?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Donald frowned and said, "No."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]they could not have sex.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]suggested.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]hotel clerk if they had condoms.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]from under the counter and gave it to Donald.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]on your bill?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
 
[FONT=&quot]I took my son out for his first pint. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Got him a Budwieser.....he didn't like it - I had it. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It was the same with Guinness and Cider. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.[/FONT]
 
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