Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

[IanBat]

The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5.per word. She thinks for a moment and says "Fred's dead." The man then informs her there is a five word minimum. She' says "Okay... Fred's dead; Boat for sale"

How much is the boat?

 

[IanBat]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I have a little Satnav[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's 60 kilometres an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[IanBat]

[FONT=&quot]Walmart Job Application

NAME:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
SEX:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
DESIRED POSITON: [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
DESIRED SALARY:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
$150,000 a year plus share options and an Obama style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
EDUCATION: [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Yes.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
LAST POSITON HELD:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Target for middle management hostility.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
PREVIOUS SALARY:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
A lot less than I'm worth.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
REASON FOR LEAVING:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
It was a crap job.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
PRFFERRED HOURS:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
If I had one, would I be here'?[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Of what?[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
NEAREST RELATIVE?:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
12 Kms[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Oh yes. absolutely.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]

 

[IanBat]

[FONT=&quot]After landing my new job as a Walmart "Greeter" - a good[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
"Good morning and welcome to Walmart."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
I then said,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
"No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]

 

[IanBat]

[FONT=&quot]Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. [/FONT]

 

[randmhall]

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake. The priest tells his two colleagues, "I left my fishing rod in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat.
The rabbi stares at this in amazement. 30minutes later, the minister says, "I need to go to the toilet." He, too,gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room, walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand on
the beach." He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH, he goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!! Again, he is dragged out and again he decides to try.
As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks are?"

 

[MonacoMike]

Thanks to our new posters!!!

MM

 

[MonacoMike]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a BJ?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

 

[MonacoMike]

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

 

[MonacoMike]

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

 

[IanBat]

Hey Mike, just for you, I think there has been 40 posts.




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

 

[IanBat]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a
picture of the Holy semen flying through the air. "Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!"...

"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "....two million Dollars..."

"TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, "they must have seen you coming!"


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

 

[IanBat]

Hey Mike here's some more photo's just for you!

How to improve tradies bum crack




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

 

[Daddubo]

 

[Daddubo]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif][FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif]

Florida A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go.." The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. Georgia​ The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings." Louisiana​ A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world." Mississippi​ The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." North Carolina​ A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." Tennessee​ A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?" Texas​ The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' I Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]

 

[Daddubo]

[FONT=&amp]OBAMA FLOWERS[/FONT]

(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaFlowers, My name is Trina. How can I help you? (Customer) Hello, I received an email from Professional Flowers stating that my flower order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your website, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number. (Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the website. It should be fixed by the end of November. But I can help you. (Customer) Thanks, I ordered a "Spring Bouquet" for our anniversary, and wanted it delivered to my wife's work.. (Receptionist Interrupting) Sir, "Spring Bouquets" do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with Red Roses. (Customer) But I have always ordered "Spring Bouquets", done it for years, my wife likes them. (Receptionist) Roses are better, sir, I am sure your wife will love them. (Customer) Well, how much are they? (Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package. (Customer) What's the difference? (Receptionist) 6, 12,18 or 24 Red Roses. (Customer) The Silver package may be okay, how much is it? (Receptionist) It depends sir, what is you monthly income? (Customer) What does that have to do with anything? (Receptionist) I need that to determine your government flower subsidy, then I can determine how much your out of pocket cost will be. But if your income is below our minimums for a subsidy, then I can refer you to our FlowerAid department. (Customer) FlowerAid? (Receptionist) Yes, Flowers are a Right, everyone has a right to flowers. So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge. (Customer) Who said they were a Right? (Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional. (Customer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding Flowers as a Right. (Receptionist) It is not really a Right in the Constitution, but ObamaFlowers is Constitutional because the Supreme Court Ruled it a "Tax". Taxes are Constitutional. But we feel it is a Right. (Customer) I don't believe this.... (Receptionist) It's the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir? (Customer) Forget it, I think I will forego the flowers this year... (Receptionist) In that case sir, I will still need your monthly income. (Customer) Why? (Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be. (Customer) WHAT???? Your can't charge me for NOT buying flowers!!! (Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income..... (Customer)interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $9.50.. (Receptionist) Sir, it is the $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater. (Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? What a ripoff!! (Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%. (Customer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressmember to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it. (Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone your are using. (Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING???? (Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates sir (Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door) (Receptionist) That would be the IRS sir. Thanks for calling ObamaFlowers, have a nice day...and God Bless America .

​

​

​

​

​

​

 

[1990-270-da-lover]

That would be hilarious if it weren't true!

OBAMA FLOWERS

(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaFlowers, My name is Trina. How can I help you? (Customer) Hello, I received an email from Professional Flowers stating that my flower order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your website, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number. (Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the website. It should be fixed by the end of November. But I can help you. (Customer) Thanks, I ordered a "Spring Bouquet" for our anniversary, and wanted it delivered to my wife's work.. (Receptionist Interrupting) Sir, "Spring Bouquets" do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with Red Roses. (Customer) But I have always ordered "Spring Bouquets", done it for years, my wife likes them. (Receptionist) Roses are better, sir, I am sure your wife will love them. (Customer) Well, how much are they? (Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package. (Customer) What's the difference? (Receptionist) 6, 12,18 or 24 Red Roses. (Customer) The Silver package may be okay, how much is it? (Receptionist) It depends sir, what is you monthly income? (Customer) What does that have to do with anything? (Receptionist) I need that to determine your government flower subsidy, then I can determine how much your out of pocket cost will be. But if your income is below our minimums for a subsidy, then I can refer you to our FlowerAid department. (Customer) FlowerAid? (Receptionist) Yes, Flowers are a Right, everyone has a right to flowers. So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge. (Customer) Who said they were a Right? (Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional. (Customer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding Flowers as a Right. (Receptionist) It is not really a Right in the Constitution, but ObamaFlowers is Constitutional because the Supreme Court Ruled it a "Tax". Taxes are Constitutional. But we feel it is a Right. (Customer) I don't believe this.... (Receptionist) It's the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir? (Customer) Forget it, I think I will forego the flowers this year... (Receptionist) In that case sir, I will still need your monthly income. (Customer) Why? (Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be. (Customer) WHAT???? Your can't charge me for NOT buying flowers!!! (Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income..... (Customer)interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $9.50.. (Receptionist) Sir, it is the $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater. (Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? What a ripoff!! (Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%. (Customer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressmember to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it. (Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone your are using. (Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING???? (Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates sir (Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door) (Receptionist) That would be the IRS sir. Thanks for calling ObamaFlowers, have a nice day...and God Bless America .

​

​

​

​

​

​

 

[Daddubo]

 

[Daddubo]

Something about when people go to Washington their brains go to their ass

 

[Daddubo]