Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
 
One day ole Boudreax was going out in his boat. Ole Pedro ask boudreax, ''What ya got in that boat there?"
Boudreax replied, "I got Duct tape."
"What ya gonna do with duct tape?" he asked.
Boudreax replied, "Gonna catch me some ducks.''

Sure enough that afternoon, his boat was full of ducks. The next week ole Boudreax went out and Pedro said, "Hey Boudreax what ya got in the boat there?" He told him he had crab grass.
"What ya gonna do with crab grass?" asked Pedro.
"Gonna catch me some crabs," said Boudreax.
"You can't catch crabs with crab grass," said pedro.

But sure enough that afternoon he had the boat full of crabs. The next week ole Boudreaux went out and Perdo asked, "Hey, what you got in the boat?"
Boudreaux said, "Got me some Pussywillow."
Pedro says, "Hold on man, I'm getting my hat and coming with ya."
 
An Old Pirate Captain walks in a bar with a ships wheel on his pecker. The Barkeeps says hey you know you have a ships wheel on your pecker? the Old Pirates Says Arrrg it's driving me Nuts>>>
 
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.​
 
A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.

Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.

A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone.

"Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

"We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish."

"Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."
 
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
 
Two men were out boating, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.
"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
 
2 boats are involved in an accident. Both of boats are totally demolished, but amazingly neither Captain is hurt.

As they swim near the wreckage, one says, "Wow, look at our boats, there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The other Captain replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

Then the first Captain spots a bottle floating nearby and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my boat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

He hands the bottle to the other Captain who nods in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The first Captain takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the other.

The second Captain asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The first replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the Coast Guard."
 
Don't die a Virgin......there are terrorists waiting in heaven!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
 
What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.​

While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."​
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'​

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, And whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?' ​
[FONT=&amp]
[/FONT]And thus began my life of celibacy..........
 
Last edited:
There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''
 
Her First Date

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.​
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman had ever had. The winner described her worst first date and there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah.​
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.​
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. !! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.​
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.​
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to flagpoles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her exposed flesh from the icy metal.. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what's taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. ​
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.​
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.

Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'​
Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.​
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web..

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
 
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."
 
Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love. Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,"This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy , and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well, when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist".
 
A man rushes home one morning and yells to his wife,
"pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Forum statistics

Threads
113,274
Messages
1,429,831
Members
61,147
Latest member
Boudica
Back
Top