Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

[Daddubo]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor . She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

 

[lbud]

IRISH LOGIC
An old Irishman was asked,"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinsons! Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you hid the bottle!"

 

[lbud]

Gotta love Parkinsons:

An elderly man and woman lived in the nursing home together. The elderly man liked the elderly woman very much. So one day, he asks if they could sit together outside at the benches. They sat there every day for about 3 weeks. Finally, the elderly man builds up enough nerve to ask the woman if she would hold his penis. "All you have to do is hold it, that's all." he said in his old crackling voice. The woman agrees to it. They sat at the benches every day for about 2 more weeks with her holding his penis every time. Finally, one day the elderly woman walks outside and heads to the benches. She gets curious and goes to look for him. She finds him at another bench with another woman. She waits until she sees him later and asks him, "What does she have that I don't" The elderly man smiles and says, "Parkinsons".

 

[Gimme Time]

A sweet old couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office.


The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'


The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'


The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7. :smt038


Don't you just love those Government Entitlement programs! :smt021

 

[lbud]

My Mother - in - Law is 92 years old and still drives her own car. She writes...

Dear Grand-Kids,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just came from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and I put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed,

It is a good thing someone else loves because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While sitting there, the guy behind starting honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, for the love of God! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, Go!

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the backseat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign our something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of thier cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended...but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning a goodbye as I drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through befrore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave theam all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon, Love Grandma __________________

 

[lbud]

I was in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago." [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT]

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

 

[Bucit]

 

[Steve S]

Relocating to Chicago..

Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Bob asked.
"I've been transferred to Chicago, there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

 

[Steve S]

Re: Illinois vs. Texas

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students.
It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them.
If they want to lug it in to school and talk
about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I
m going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
seed in my
Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing
I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturday's ago, my Mom
starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house
for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck
walk and groaning.) 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but
she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to
lie down in bed
like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water
flowing away.
It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,'and
breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it
was from Mom's play-center,
so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the
first place.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to
someone else to spread the laughs.
I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

"Laugh uncontrollably, it clears the mind."

 

[Steve S]

Re: Illinois vs. Texas

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked,

"Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied,

"I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted hysterically,

"Idiot infidel! I do not need such an over-priced, western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! Allah curse you and your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me OR that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice cold water you need... Go in peace."

Cursing him, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped,

"They won't let me in without a tie!

 

[Daddubo]

From a total of 44 USPresidents: Obama rated 5th best president ever.

The Democratic publicity release said,"...after a little more than 4years, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best president ever."

The details according to White House Publicists:

Reagan &Lincoln tied for first,

23 presidents tied for second,

17 other presidents tied for third,

Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and

Obama came in fifth

 

[Daddubo]

The Female Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tellthem a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came backand, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. Butthen the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot inDesert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory,and all she had was a flask of whiskey, her service .45 cal. automatic, and asurvival knife."
"She drank the whiskey onthe way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed herright in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol,until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the bladebroke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddytell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories, don't you?

 

[lbud]

I saw her standing there and I told her
she had three beautiful children.
She didn't have to get all pissed off and
threaten me with Jihad.
It was an honest mistake.

 

[Daddubo]

Ted Nugent
How Deer Think

Great Quote!
Deer Hunting Story...even if you don't care about hunting...Gotta Love Ted!


Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewedby a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came aroundto deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thoughtin the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or isit 'Are you the one who killed my brother?

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. They are verymuch like the Democrats in Congress.'

All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screwnext, and can I run fast enough to get away.

The interview ended.

 

[lbud]

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"

The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew stealing."
He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.''
...
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gave him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it just the same.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says,
"What did you do with the pastry? Are you trying to fool me?"

The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket."

 

[Daddubo]

"If we concentrated on the really important stuff in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles" By Junius P. Long Food For Thought If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally ...you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If the only school curriculum allowed to explain how we got here is evolution, but the government stops a $15 million construction project to keep a rare spider from evolving to extinction ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor or check out a library book, but not to vote on who runs the government ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If the government wants to ban stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines with more than ten rounds, but gives 20 F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If, in the largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not a 24-ounce soda because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If an 80-year-old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is "cute," but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If children are forcibly removed from parents who discipline them with spankings while children of addicts are left in filth and drug infested “homes”... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government intrusion, while not working is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing and free cell phones ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If the government's plan for getting people back to work is to incentivize NOT working with 99 weeks of unemployment checks and no requirement to prove they applied but can’t find work ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. If being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you more "safe" according to the government ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.

 

[1990-270-da-lover]

Just bought a couple of cases of ammo since there is word going around there may be shortage. Anyhow, pulled into the gas station to fill up the truck and right next to me was a gorgeous blond filling her car. After glancing in the back of my truck and seeing the ammo, she said in a low sexy voice, think you might trade some ammo for sex. and I said what kind of ammo do you have?

 

[Bucit]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to
the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies
sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
about the anesthetic,I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and
it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the
anesthetic to work.The dentist thought to himself, My
goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his
tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the
dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" ​

The man turned to his wife and said,
"Open your mouth Honey, and show him . . .​

 

[lbud]

A U. S. Navy destroyer stopped four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

 

[Gofirstclass]

22 ADULT TRUTHS ******

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times; and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of a Word document and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with "Miller Lite" than "Kay".

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18 How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because

you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Jeans? Jeans never get dirty; and you can wear them forever.

21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket; finding their cell phone; and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey...but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it took only 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.