Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Pietro said:
The Sicily-Rome American Cemetery and Memorial is just one miles away from where I keep my boat. I know it very well and quite often I go there for a short stroll among the white marble crosses.
My father was liberated by the allies and fought against the nazi-fascists and I know well what happened then, so I do not feel arrogant when I’m there, I feel sorry for those young soldiers and for the immense stupidity of manhood.
Click to expand...

Pietro, I know there were many brave Italians that died to free your country and that the Italians are not arrogant. My son and his family love your country and wants me to come and visit him next summer up in Aviano, He and about 500 USAF men and women have been in Bulgaria for the last month helping them set up Maintaince & flight programs for their Mig 21 & 23’s. This is the first time a US Pilot has ever flown in a Mig.
I just found this on the Aviano base site it is amazing that they are still finding planes and remains after 60+ years I commend your country for doing this and honoring our fallen Hero’s
Thank you Frank

http://www.aviano.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123298824
 
A couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the woman looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The man asks "I notice you've been watching that guy for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him several years ago."

"That's remarkable" the man replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
 
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" she began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was. . ,"
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde jokes we've been hearing lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats!" Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
 
Watch Your Mailbox! Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package.
It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my a$$, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an "Obama Hope & Change" bumper sticker, and a "Blame it on Bush" poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish.
Watch for yours soon.
 
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately:
Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida...
Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. Send the dirt to New Orleans to
raise the level of the levees. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the
Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Think about this:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic
our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago,
right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked
her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse
is this: you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,'
and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians,
it creates a hostile work environment.

GET 'ER DONE!
 
Pietro said:
:thumbsup: Frank. We should all learn from the past and create friendship!
Click to expand...

Pietro, I got this back from my son:
The longer I live here the more I believe the supposed European criticism of the US is nothing more than a trumped up political ploy or at most the yahoo liberals who are about as insightful as the ones in the US.
 
Daddubo said:
Pietro, I got this back from my son:
The longer I live here the more I believe the supposed European criticism of the US is nothing more than a trumped up political ploy or at most the yahoo liberals who are about as insightful as the ones in the US.
Click to expand...

I think your son is just right!!!

The Cows, Constitution, Ten Commandments joke/truth applys to any western country, may I suggest!
 
The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday. They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars. The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
 
The DNC 2012 Convention schedule has been released, please Lock-step

04:00 PM Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
04:05 PM Singing of "God Damn America" led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
04:10 PM Pledge of Allegiance to Obama

04:15 PM Ceremonial 'I Hate America' led by Michelle Obama
04:30 PM Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire, Hillary Clinton
04:45 PM Al Sharpton Leads Castrati Choir in Singing, "Great Balls of Fire"

05:00 PM UFO Abduction Survival, Joe Biden
05:30 PM Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite
05:45 PM Tribute to All 57 States

06:00 PM Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Speech Featuring 23-Minute Question and 2-Hour Answer
08:30 PM Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
09:00 PM Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl

09:15 PM Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo, Michael Moore
09:45 PM Personal Finance Seminar - Charlie Rangel
10:00 PM Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners, Rosie O'Donnell

10:30 PM Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for Iraq & Afghanistan
11:00 PM Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration
11:15 PM Free Gov. Blagojevich rally

11:30 PM Obama Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish, Obama Presiding
12:00 AM Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher

12:01 AM Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:05 AM Celestial Choirs Sing
03:00 AM Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech

Note: There is one omission in the list above: Memorial recognition of Obama's surrogate son, Trayvon, will be in conjunction with the 12:05 AM event.
 
There have been requests for the DNC convention to be translated and put on a DVD, unfortunately, it's only being translated to Kenyan, for the home folks.
 
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (seriously?)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That could work)

Q... Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
 
This clears up a huge question,,,



The year was 1947.



Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 64 years
ago,

Numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object,

(UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just

Outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the

U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.

However, What you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948,

Nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:



Barrack Obama Sr.

Albert A. Gore, Jr.

Hillary Rodham

William J. Clinton

John F. Kerry

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer

Joe Biden

This is the consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.

I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal
Aliens.
 
^=== it's funny because more half the people reading it will have no doubt about it's veracity.
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a
while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

The policeman noticed this and stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see
if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come
and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It
used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,
"Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot
hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his
thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "OK.,
buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by
the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
 
dev6315 said:
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me, officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
Click to expand...

Gofirstclass said:
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a
while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

The policeman noticed this and stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see
if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come
and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It
used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,
"Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot
hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his
thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "OK.,
buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by
the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
Click to expand...

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. :smt043

MM
 
In church, while reverently preparing for the service, I heard a sweet
little old lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispering a prayer.
It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you. She said,
"Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my
favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman
Billy Mays, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney
Houston, and, now, my favorite announcer Dick Clark. I just wanted you to
know that my favorite politician is Barack Obama.
Amen."

 
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