Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

What do you call a man with no arms or legs...

...floating in the water? Bob
...in a pile of leaves? Russell
...on your doorstep? Matt
...hanging on the wall? Art
...under your car? Jack
...in your mailbox? Bill
...water skiing? Skip
...on the beach? Sandy
...in a hole? Phil
...sitting on a grill? Frank
 
chumbley said:
What do you call a man with no arms or legs...

...floating in the water? Bob
...in a pile of leaves? Russell
...on your doorstep? Matt
...hanging on the wall? Art
...under your car? Jack
...in your mailbox? Bill
...water skiing? Skip
...on the beach? Sandy
...in a hole? Phil
...sitting on a grill? Frank
Click to expand...

I had a dog with no legs, we called him Cigarette and we would take him out for a drag--good times, good times.
 
chumbley said:
What do you call a man with no arms or legs...

...floating in the water? F'd
...in a pile of leaves? Russell
...on your doorstep? Matt
...hanging on the wall? Art
...under your car? Jack
...in your mailbox? Bill
...water skiing? Skip
...on the beach? Sandy
...in a hole? Phil
...sitting on a grill? Frank
Click to expand...

1 correction...
 
The Italian Man of His House, With his Italian wife!

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your
House.'

He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, 'From now on, you need
to know that I AM the man of this house and MY WORD IS LAW. You will prepare me
a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me
a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kind of sex that I want. After wards, you are going to draw me a bath so
I can relax. You will then wash my back, towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then,
you will massage my feet and hands. Tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The f-n' funeral director would be my first guess.'
 
Did you hear about the guy from Iowa who carpeted his bathroom???


He liked it so much he carpeted all the way to the his house.


Let the border battles begin...
 
Do you know what a tornado and a divorce have in common in Arkansas?

Either way, somebody is going to lose a trailer house...
 
What is the difference between an Iowa cheerleader and a prize cow?



20 pounds and a mustache
 
Read in your best Minnesota accent a:

Ay dem guys from Menasooota first elect a professional wrestler fo guvner den day vote in da not so professional co median foe Seenater den dat Nobama wat kinda peoples live up dar Ay, I didn’t tink Olea an Anna was dat dumb Ay.
 
Of course to run for office in Illinois you must have a public record. ( longer the record the greater the office.)
 
You are correct we give out Governors 2 terms one in Springfield and one in Statesville Prison. Chicago controls the state and Chicago Politicians are all crooks and we all know where Obama came from now don't we!
 
Daddubo said:
You are correct we give out Governors 2 terms one in Springfield and one in Statesville Prison. Chicago controls the state and Chicago Politicians are all crooks and we all know where Obama came from now don't we!
Click to expand...


Being truthfully though, politically those of us that live in the state of Minnesota have nothing to brag about. We are unable to elect a Governor in this state. :smt021 To top that off, our outgoing one thinks he would be a good president. :smt101:smt101
 
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Jerry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

Jerry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Jerry's wife. ' Ginger ,' he says, 'Jerry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?'

'OH MY GOD!' Ginger exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!'

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A priests' wife walks into the butcher shop late one sunday evening to buy some meat for dinner.

butcher: "All we have left is some of this here damn ham"
Priest wife: "You cant swear in front of me I'm the priests wife!"
Butcher: "I know, but that's really what it is, damn ham."

So she buys it and takes it home to make dinner for her husband and the alter boy.

Priest: "Smells very good in here, whats for dinner?
Priest wife: "I'm just cooking up some of this damn ham."
Priest: "how dare you speak like that, especially in front of me!"
priest wife: "No no, thats really what it is, damn ham!"

So the priest apologizes for yelling and the three of them sit down for dinner.

Priest: "Hey honey could you pass me the damn ham?"
Alter boy: "Thats the spirit father!! Pass me the Fc'n Potatoes!!"
 

This is for the people in the Chicago area which goes from N/W Indiana to the south
1/2 way to Rockford to the west and the Wisconsin border to the north and Lake Michigan to the east.
http://www.anyairmen.com/

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-caw-go, assuming you live north of Roosevelt Rd., otherwise it's Chi-ca-ga.

Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If in Naperville, and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules: "Hold on and pray."

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "I-94." I-94 has no beginning and no end. It just IS.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11. The evening rush hour is from 2 to 8.

Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.

We had so much fun with that we have added the Elgin-O'Hare and the I-355 to the mix. (Incidentally the 'Elgin-O'Hare' does NOT go to either Elgin or O'Hare.)

All unexplainable sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Buicks, Caddys, or Lincolns have the right of way. Period.

First Ave, LaGrange Rd, NW Highway - and more, all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections

If you stop to ask directions on the West side you'd better be armed.

A trip across town (from The Lake to the West Side) will take a minimum of two hours.

Although many expressways (they are not freeways), have posted speed limits of 55, the minimum acceptable speed on expressways is 85. Anything less... get the hell out of the left lane.

The wrought iron on windows in Englewood, Lawndale and Austin are not ornamental.

The Eisenhower (Ike) (formerly Congress expressway) is our daily version of NASCAR.

If it's 100+ degrees, it's "Taste of Chicago".

If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Wrigley or Comiskey

If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western Open is in the second round.

If you go to Wrigley Field pay the $25.00 to park in "Cubs Lot."

Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.

If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run......


* You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois.

* You are annoyed by people who do

* You measure distance in minutes.

* You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines".

* Your school classes were cancelled because of the cold.

* Your school classes were cancelled because of the heat.

* Stores don't have sacks, they have BAGS.

* You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition.
(Example: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the Jewel I wanna go with.")

* You can locate Illinois on the United States map.

* You carry jumper cables in your car - and you know how to use them.

* "You drink "pop".

* You realize that I-290, I-90, I-94, and I-294 are all different roads.

* You refer to any interstate highway as "the Tollway".

* You know the names of the interstates: Stevenson, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Dan Ryan, Reagan, Bishop Ford. (Numbers? They have Numbers?)

* You refer to anything South of I-80 as "Southern Illinois" and anything west of Rt. 47 Iowa.

* You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake."

* You refer to Chicago as "The City."

* No matter where you are, when you hear the term "Downtown" you immediately assume they're talking about Downtown Chicago.

* You buy "The Trib."

* You know what goes on a "Chicago" Hot Dog, and you're permitted to berate anyone who puts ketchup on a hot dog.

* You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is.

* You know why they call Chicago "The Windy City."

* You understand what "lake-effect" means.

* You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at (oops ...ending preposition again).

* You have ridden the "L."

* You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847, 630, 773, 708, 312, & 815.

* You know the phone number for Empire Carpets.
 
WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER



If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car .

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.



Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.



As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
 
[FONT=&quot]A Calgary man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his ass. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Police suspect a cereal killer[/FONT]
 

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As
they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
was
spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear
it
would turn to politics.


As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair
reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will
smell
that and think I've been in a whorehouse.



The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?'



Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like'
 
Bedroom golf... Here are the rules of the game.

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
 
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