Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.



So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
 

BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday.


Monica Lewinsky turns 44. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.​
They grow up so fast, don't they?​
 
HOW TO START A FIGHT



One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........


 
Just in case you need a laugh:



Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school
diploma to fix one a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.



After every flight UPS pilots fill out a form called a 'gripe sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding =
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
 
Gentle Thoughts for Today -​


Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then doodoo on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement ..

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'
​

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . . . ​
AMEN!​

 
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're getting granite countertops."
 
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.




​
 
1.Go to Google maps. 2.Go to "Get Directions." 3.Type 'Japan' as the start location. 4.Type 'China' as the end location. 5.Go to direction #43. 6.Laugh
 
Turtlesboat said:
1.Go to Google maps. 2.Go to "Get Directions." 3.Type 'Japan' as the start location. 4.Type 'China' as the end location. 5.Go to direction #43. 6.Laugh
Click to expand...

That's funny!!! It says the same in Italian too :grin::grin::smt043:grin::grin:
 
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold- up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.'
 
"Elk Sex"

Two guys are drinking in a bar.


One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"




"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

sorry
 
JimG said:
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold- up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.'
Click to expand...

That would never happen in Chicago the people that live there love high taxes and corruption It’s a way of life for them. Al Capone was more honest that a Chicago Politician. :wow:
 
Some of the artists of the60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.


Theyinclude:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash


Herman's Hermits ---

Mrs. Brown, You've Got ALovely Walker


Ringo Starr --- I Get By With A Little Help From Depends


The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?




Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem ---A Whiter Shade Of Hair


Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations ---

Papa's Got A Kidney Stone


Abba --- Denture Queen
"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?


Tony Orlando ---

Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall


Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore


Leslie Gore ---

It's My Procedure,And I'll Cry If I Want To



And Lastbut NOT least...

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
 
[FONT=&quot]Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Mick says, "How you doin?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]


[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of just f**kin one?"[/FONT]
 
Guy walks into the store and asks for a pound of polish sausage. The clerk says, "Your a polack aren't you?"
Quite offended the guy asks, " What makes you think i"m a polack? If i came in for a pound of italian sausage would you think i was italian? Or a pound of corned beef would you think i was Irish?"
"No not at all." the clerk says.
"Then why is it i ask for polish sausage you think I'm a polack?" asked the guy.
Clerk says, "Because sir this is a hardware store!"
 
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever thepreacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 12 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additionalchildren were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,

'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,

'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'


 
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